Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:27     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he really does really want to marry you but his social skills and emotional maturity and executive functioning and really low. Do you want to compensate for those deficiencies for the rest of his life, like you are doing now? Knowing that it will likely hold him back professionally and limit his salary? Knowing that his relationship with his family may also be yours to deal with? Knowing that if you have children they may be similarly impaired, or worse?


This. Marriage is in sickness and in health. What if you get sick, OP, and need a partner who can handle the pressure and support you and the kods through it? Is he that guy? Or does he mean well but lack the ability? Two years in, you know him.


Aka high functioning autism
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:26     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Either he's just not that into you.

Or he's a low-functioning mess and you will be his social manager and life manager for life.

Go to therapy and try to understand why you would be with someone who has treated you like this. "Love" is a poor excuse.


This.

Spend a week with his parents and see if Dad is also defunct.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:24     Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."


Please report back OP.


Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.


No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.


OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.


He’s too defective to think for himself. He will fall back in cliches and one lines that he thinks are what will shut your up and what you want to hear. Sorry Op, you need your confidence and sense of self back from this mimic.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:21     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to force him to make a decision that he doesn't want to make. The problem is not that you haven't figured out how to do it yet. The problem is that he doesn't want to make that decision. Even if you do end up together, your whole life together will be like this for the rest of your life. Give up now. Move on. Find somebody else.


Even if you break up and he comes back at the last second with “what you want to hear,” dump him. He will be like this for everything. He really might have mental issues. I was certainly blindsided by an aspergers guy too late to do anything about, I made excuse a free excuse and now am screwed.


This. The problem with ultimatums is you end up married to someone who needs ultimatums to move forward. So after the wedding, what are you going to do? Threaten divorce every time you need results? It just isn't a good way to live.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:20     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to force him to make a decision that he doesn't want to make. The problem is not that you haven't figured out how to do it yet. The problem is that he doesn't want to make that decision. Even if you do end up together, your whole life together will be like this for the rest of your life. Give up now. Move on. Find somebody else.


Even if you break up and he comes back at the last second with “what you want to hear,” dump him. He will be like this for everything. He really might have mental issues. I was certainly blindsided by an aspergers guy too late to do anything about, I made excuse a free excuse and now am screwed.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:15     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.


No don’t. Get rid of him.

No ultimatum, no proposal from you.

He has shown you his true colors. I would not let a friend stay in this platonic of a relationship with this empty suit guy.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:11     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.


What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?


I'd sit him down and tell him that you're pretty concerned that you and he aren't on the same page about the things you want in life. Then tell him what you want and some timeline for it and see what happens.


I disagree. She has all the examples she needs to know that he will make a lousy husband and life.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:08     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.


What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?


You can talk to him about it but I definitely wouldn't just wait around. And DEFINITELY don't move in together, not in your 30s. You'll lose all momentum and leverage, especially since he's someone you basically have to force to move forward.

This isn't going in a good direction, OP. You can't make him want these things and that hurts.

Give him a deadline to get engaged or you'll end it. After two years in your 30s, six months is sufficient. Then keep it moving if he doesn't move forward.

Say you're 32 now. You'll spend the the next year convincing him to move in together, then another three years getting him to propose. Then he won't want to actually plan the wedding or set the date. It'll take two more years, at which point you'll be frantic because of your biological clock and you'll feel like you have sunk all sorts of time into this guy. Meanwhile, he just keeps being him, plodding along.

Find someone who is excited about you and your joint future, someone who's excited to introduce you to his family and friends from the beginning.

Good luck.


Don’t bother. Dump him. He is not life partner material.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 20:07     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He's been very, very slow to progress the relationship along. (A few examples: I had to ask repeatedly to meet his friends and family after about a year of dating before it happened. I had to request we start spending more time together instead of periodic weekend dates. I've had to sit down and ask repeatedly where we're going. I've had to really steer the relationship.) He's anxious and cautious and doesn't really have any joie de vivre, so it's not that he isn't happy to be with me; he's just content with a different level.

In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me, which is great because I'd like to spend mine with him. I asked about 4 months ago if we should start talking about moving in together since that's the next logical step. He hesitated (as I expected he would), and he said he doesn't feel like he's ready for that. He said he still feels we have some things to work out.

Things have been going well, and I slipped a little picture and note in his laptop bag a few days ago. It was just saying "I love you. I miss you very much when I'm without you, and I get so much joy from being with you." I included a line that said I'd like to revisit the idea of potentially moving in together this summer. He completely ignored it. I told him I hoped he liked his little note, and he said he did, but never said a word about anything else. Today, I told him I couldn't wait to curl up with him every night. He said, "We'll have that." I felt a little frustrated and told him I felt like a child that was being "promised" a pony by her parents. He didn't say anything.

What do I do at this point? He always tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Do I sit down and force him to tell me when we're going to make that happen? I know him, and I know that won't go well. It never has in the past when I've pressed something. I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.


GTFO of this stunted relationship.

He has issues, wake up. If he is not proactive or taking initiative on anything now, gtfo. This only gets worse if married and tens times worse if have kids w him.

Sorry, but this is like mental and emotion disabled. Like on the spectrum bad.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 19:42     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
We’ve all seen this many times; friends who waste their late 20s and much of their 30s on guys who are never going to propose to them, only to realize that at 35+. If you want marriage and kids you need to walk away from him now, not 6 months or a year from now. Realistically it will take another couple years minimum to fall in love again, hopefully get married and start a family. You said your in your early 30s, OP. It’s time to move along.

And no ultimatums. The couple girl friends I have who did that are divorced now.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 19:37     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Unfortunately, ^^^^ is right. I’m so sorry OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 19:30     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Ohhh OP. I am so sad for you. This is painful to read.

This guy doesn’t know how to break it off. You settle for whatever pieces he gives you. He needs to do nothing to keep you around. You do all the work. It’s perfect for him. It’s awful for you.

I watched my sister in law waste 6 years of her life, from 28-34, with a man she loved with all her heart, from dead end job to dead end job, to borrowing money for a class he never took or paid back, to the start up money for his own business, to their dream trip around the world, she defended him, loved him, made excuses for him ( he was depressed, he had anxiety, his parents ruined him, he was loner, misunderstood, a muse, a genius) and loved him more, to the point that when he was unemployed for a year, and then 2, she bought a house for them to live in, then a car for him to go on job interviews, then an emotional support dog. She bought herself a very nice diamond ring and he proposed to her. He got a job and she planned a wedding.
The wedding got pushed back. And pushed back. In his final act of complete disrespect, disregard, making excuses and forcing her hand, he cheated on her with prostitutes, that she paid for, and left the evidence right in front of her to find.
Because he didn’t have any reason to break up with her, she set up a life for him time and time again, fixed his mistakes, defended his honor, and loved him fiercely.
OP, don’t be another woman begging for a life.
I wish I knew you and I could sit you down.
You’ve gotten amazing advice on here, especially the poster who laid out what your future will look like dragging him to buy a house, have kids, pick them up, etc.
Give him a week to make a move. As in, you move in there in a week or you are gone.
It’s enough.
And then cry your heart out, like we all have at one time or another, endure that excruciating pain of breaking up with someone you love, you can do it, and move on.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 19:30     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
He has feelings for you but not the kind of feelings that will push him to marry you.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 19:11     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Men don’t dump women they like but don’t love; they drag their feet. Men don’t drag their feet with women they truly love; they pursue and go all in. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you live him.


I hate to say it, but this is true.

A man dragging his feet is the tell tale sign that he’s not that into you. I would bet my house that once this guy meets someone he’s truly in love with, he will get married right away. Maybe it won’t be a big elaborate wedding, it might be a spontaneous elopement on vacation or a courthouse wedding. When men want to be with a woman they commit. Your guy is no different. He likes you and cares about BUT he does not love you.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 18:53     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Men don’t dump women they like but don’t love; they drag their feet. Men don’t drag their feet with women they truly love; they pursue and go all in. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you live him.