Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 11:21     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I am surprised at all of these responses. Isn't anyone committed to breastfeeding? My kids are grown but as I recall this was a priority for a lot of mothers.


We've collectively learned that it is irrational and harmful to be "committed" to any particular form of feeding an infant.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 11:17     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:^^ self-justification *rather* than informed reasoning.


Or, maybe we're pretty well-informed. Try reading, "Is Breast Best," or Emily Oster's book, "Cribsheet." My pediatrician - at a very science-based practice - was one of the consults on that book and recommended it highly.

Try a sample from the NYT: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/19/opinion/sunday/baby-breastfeeding-sleep-training.html
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 11:02     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
^^ self-justification *rather* than informed reasoning.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 11:01     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
People keep disparaging societal “pressure” to breastfeed. There are good reasons medical practitioners and public health experts encourage breastfeeding. Yes, many children don’t breastfeed and are perfectly healthy. It’s not do or die. But there are good benefits to breastfeeding — even beyond possible health benefits (cost, for example) — and there was a time of way too much thinking in the opposite direction based on faulty premises (see MIL’s generation).

Of course OP shouldn’t destroy her life to breastfeed, but many of these “just make it easier on yourself and ignore the ‘propaganda’ “ posters seem to be engaged in self-justification than informed reasoning.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 09:20     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I am surprised at all of these responses. Isn't anyone committed to breastfeeding? My kids are grown but as I recall this was a priority for a lot of mothers.


And that “priority” can make some people make bad decisions or prioritize breastfeeding to the detriment of all else. A part of infant mortality throughout history was due to what was labeled “failure to thrive” but was really insufficient nutrition because the mother didn’t produce enough milk. Wetnurses were not only for the nobility, but a well-producing woman would feed babies other than their own because the birth mother couldn’t. Breastfeeding is natural, but so is infant mortality. We are fortunate to live in a time and place where there are safe and healthy options. So telling women to be “committed” to breastfeeding is putting a moral value on it, and denigrating those women who don’t do it for whatever reasons as moral failures.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 09:16     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I am surprised at all of these responses. Isn't anyone committed to breastfeeding? My kids are grown but as I recall this was a priority for a lot of mothers.


Yes, it's the people who used formula who don't understand the OP's post at ll. Can't they just acknowledge that to a lot of mothers breastfeeding is very important? It might not be to them, but it is to others.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 09:11     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
I am surprised at all of these responses. Isn't anyone committed to breastfeeding? My kids are grown but as I recall this was a priority for a lot of mothers.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 18:33     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:OP, this is so so so minor in the scheme of things.

I’m not sure why the presence of formula can ruin your resolve to breast feed.

My child struggled with breast feeding and I with supply. Guess what? Formula helped us. Formula was useful for calming him down so he could work on latching without screaming.

Child rearing is about learning balance and perspective. Right now you have neither.



Well said. All of it but especially the bolded.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 16:10     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
She could be trying to be pushy, but she may also just see you struggling, see the demands/judgment society puts on women these days, and want to help by A) saving you $20 and a trip to the store and B) giving you “permission” (for lack of a better word) to give yourself a break if you need one. Probably best to assume the kinder option especially since you are exhausted and probably not thinking straight. Unless you know your MIL to be the type to do something mean on purpose, she probably was just trying to help even if it didn’t come across quite right.

Best of luck with the BF thing. FWIW I was basically EPing at 3 weeks with my first, in serious pain, meeting with multiple LCs and then he just got it around 5 or 6 weeks, so maybe something will click for your LO.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 15:54     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
I don't think you were too sensitive. It depends a lot on your pre-existing relationship and if she has made disparaging remarks previously, like mine... Otherwise, it sounds like she is trying to be supportive even if she should have slipped it to your husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 15:42     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I’m currently breastfeeding but we are struggling. I’m choosing to stick with it three more weeks until baby is 6 weeks old. Baby has some latching issues we are working on but I’m pretty much exclusively pumping at this point. My MIL has been present during and is aware of the struggles, and she’s been pretty vocal about how she feels BFing isn’t necessary, baby will be fine if I choose to switch to formula, etc. She didn’t BF. She showed up to visit yesterday and before she left she pulled out a tub of formula. She have it to me and told me basically, here’s this, one day you might get desperate, and you’ll have it. I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing. DH says to ignore it, she’s just trying to help. I feel she’s trying to insert herself and thinks she’s right. Before I proceed, am I just being sensitive?


I think DH is right - your MIL is just trying to be helpful. I had trouble breastfeeding myself and was pretty much exclusively pumping and supplementing with formula. You need to do what is right for you. It's very easy to get sensitive during this post-partum period, but don't knock yourself - you're doing great!
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 15:06     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are so many that push breastfeeding and no one really says its ok not to breast-feed. She is trying to help and be supportive. That's nice she got you some so if you don't pump baby does not go hungry. Worst case you don't use it.


+1 It is okay not to breastfeed. I think your MIL is wonderful for trying to be supportive and helpful. There is so much pressure on new moms and your MIL sounds like she is trying to be there for you without being in your face.


So when you’re trying to teach your kid to tie his shoes and he’s struggling, and MIL comes by and drops off some Velcro shoes because it’s silly to stress over learning to tie a bow, you’ll be happy for her support? Velcro is just as good and a shod child is a happy child.


Get a grip, crazy. In your scenario that would also be fine, and you would simply not use the Velcro if you didn't want to.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder how any of you make it through your days.


Uh your response makes no sense. Would she just put the shoes aside?

A lot of people think breastfeeding is way better for the baby. Some people who think that also have a hard time breastfeeding and don't want to give up at it. While I think what the MIL did is not outrageous, I see why some would think it's probelmatic. It's like offering chocolate cake to someone trying to lose weight, just in case they have a weak moment.

I think the issue is that so many people on this board have no idea how to deal with a variety of personalities and situations. If it's not exactly the way you think it should be or exactly how you imagine someone should act, it's a problem. Very brittle personalities on DCUM.


So you put the formula on the shelf. Check the expiration date. If you don't use it when you get about 2 months out from expiration, donate it or post on FB that you have it and ask if anyone wants it and give it away.

It's not an insult or a challenge to you if you need it. It's like having spare batteries or light bulbs around if you need it. As long as you are BF enough or pumping enough, you don't have to use it. If you find that your infant is hungry in the middle of the night and cannot get any milk, then you have it without having to go or have your spouse find a 24-hour CVS at 3am. Its great if you never need it and can donate it.

Accept it as an offer to help you when you are struggling and seem exhausted.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 14:51     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:She is trying to help, and you are sensitive. I struggled so hard with breastfeeding, wept through multiple PACE meetings, spent literally thousands of dollars on pumps and rentals and different sized flanges and LCs and books and supplements, and still get really upset when I think of how much it sucked that I couldn't make it work. If I knew someone struggling to BF right now I wouldn't say anything but I would REALLY REALLY REALLY want to say: just stop, you are allowed to stop, the baby will be fine and healthy and you will be happier. I wouldn't say it, because I remember how much it hurt when people said stuff like that to me, even though now I think they were right. Your MIL had babies when the pressure to BF wasn't as strong and if it sucked for her she has enough distance from it for it not to be fresh. She does mean well. It still hurts, I know.

You're doing a good job.


This. All of it, but especially the bolded.

In a couple of years you will look back on this from a much calmer perspective OP.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 14:28     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:[
Anonymous wrote:My SIL would say to your MIL "Your heart is in the right place, but this is hurtful." She's a better person than I am because.....

I would say "F*$& YOU!"

I have not patience for the whole good-intentions-bad-delivery thing. YOU are recovering from childbirth---only 3 weeks ago! YOU are trying to adjust to this needy little newborn. YOU need support, emotionally and physically, not not have people openly questions and judging you, which is what your MIL is doing. There's a way to show support for a new mom struggling with BFing--that's so not what your MIL is doing.

Let's put aside, MIL and her ill-mannered self. Are you taking care of you? Have you been able to see a lactation consultant? Has baby been evaluated for various latch issues? Is someone around to quite literally support you--bringing you tons of water, healthy food, take baby off your hands so you can sleep or pump or take a shower? Do you need MIL around less? I know my MIL sets me on edge and I cannot imagine having her around constantly in those early days.



You sound like a lunatic.

Just because you were not successful at breastfeeding doesn't mean that OP shouldn't give it her best try and get the needed support.

Anonymous
Post 01/10/2020 14:07     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are so many that push breastfeeding and no one really says its ok not to breast-feed. She is trying to help and be supportive. That's nice she got you some so if you don't pump baby does not go hungry. Worst case you don't use it.


+1 It is okay not to breastfeed. I think your MIL is wonderful for trying to be supportive and helpful. There is so much pressure on new moms and your MIL sounds like she is trying to be there for you without being in your face.


So when you’re trying to teach your kid to tie his shoes and he’s struggling, and MIL comes by and drops off some Velcro shoes because it’s silly to stress over learning to tie a bow, you’ll be happy for her support? Velcro is just as good and a shod child is a happy child.


Get a grip, crazy. In your scenario that would also be fine, and you would simply not use the Velcro if you didn't want to.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder how any of you make it through your days.


Uh your response makes no sense. Would she just put the shoes aside?

A lot of people think breastfeeding is way better for the baby. Some people who think that also have a hard time breastfeeding and don't want to give up at it. While I think what the MIL did is not outrageous, I see why some would think it's probelmatic. It's like offering chocolate cake to someone trying to lose weight, just in case they have a weak moment.

I think the issue is that so many people on this board have no idea how to deal with a variety of personalities and situations. If it's not exactly the way you think it should be or exactly how you imagine someone should act, it's a problem. Very brittle personalities on DCUM.