Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents are rude as f?ck for not offering anything. Do they realize your grocery bill among other things will go up?

I'm sorry that you didn't grow up in a kind, loving, supportive family. Your attitude is NOT normal.

No. The parents are rude AF. They really are.

I lived with my 10 years older cousin for a summer when I was doing an unpaid internship in college. We paid her nothing, I had a credit card from my parents and occasionally paid for food, and I cleaned up after myself/helped with chores, but I was maybe 19 and out of the house a lot. I'm still very close with this cousin (because of that summer), so as far as I know, there was no resentment or anything.

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Anonymous wrote:I would either tell her she’s on her own for groceries and cleaning, (and follow through to make sure the cleaning happens) or I would charge a nominal amount like $400 to cover groceries and extra housekeeping visits.

Uh... $400 is NOT a nominal amount, are you crazy??

She's staying for 2 months, not being put on the lease.

DP. $400 is not a lot for DC. Maybe in Wisconsin or something, but it doesn't sound like you live around here and have an understanding of what many families spend.

Most people don't have housekeepers and you wouldn't need an extra visit. $200 a month is reasonable. She has the house and paying rent/mortgage anyway so the extra utilities and food.

Anyone who thinks this kid will only be spending $50/wk on food is living in lala land. Most kids these days can blow through $50 in a weekend. If the girl has Asperger's and seriously does not pick up on social cues that is all the more reason to hammer these details out in advance. Don't wait until she is in your home telling you that she only wants to eat take out food every day.

Her parents are the ones responsible for providing for their daughter and it is not o.k. for them to offload that responsibility completely onto Op.

You are clearly spending way more on groceries than we do. She'll probably be eating breakfast and dinner at home and lunch out. Aspergers is a non-issue. If she was parented well, she'll have the common sense to know basics of living with someone. If she wants take out or eat out every night she or her parents can pay for it. Simple. OP shouldn't be expected to pay for meals out every meal for a college kid. The kid will probably come with spending money and/or credit card.

You can not assume that this kid is coming with a dime much less a credit card. Her parents have not mentioned a thing about sending their daughter with some spending money. They haven't mentioned a thing about offsetting some of the costs of this visit for Op. That is why Op needs to hammer that out BEFORE the girl comes to stay with her. If she shows up asking Op for bus and cafeteria money, that might be a problem.

You are projecting. Most college kids have spending money or a credit card. This family clearly has some money. Most people would not offset the cost and anyone decent would get a gift card or nice gift when the child leaves. Most of us would not take the money but would at least like the offer. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what they need/want. This is a 19/20 year old not young teen.

No you are projecting. You assume that because you would send your college kid with a credit card and spending money to cover food/transportation/entertainment, etc that all parents would do the same. We are seeing on this thread that there are definitely some parents who just send their kid to stay with someone and let the host pay for everything.

Generally, it is not a good sign when the parent does not even offer to pay a certain amount to cover costs each month.

You have no idea whether they will offer to pay. It’s probably too early for that. But I. Would be kind of insulted if my sibling tried to pay me . Just as we have traded off babysitting for free when kids were little; you only say that you can do it if you can afford to. In fact, if OP is intending to charge rent, she should let them know as soon as possible because that is not how families usually operate.

Has Op been trading off babysitting with her adult sibling? I don't think that she's mentioned that. In fact, it sounds to me as though Op is likely a childfree person who is not used to hosting teenagers and is just looking for a little direction in making this work out.

Anonymous wrote:Her parents are rude as f?ck for not offering anything. Do they realize your grocery bill among other things will go up?

I'm sorry that you didn't grow up in a kind, loving, supportive family. Your attitude is NOT normal.

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Anonymous wrote:I would either tell her she’s on her own for groceries and cleaning, (and follow through to make sure the cleaning happens) or I would charge a nominal amount like $400 to cover groceries and extra housekeeping visits.

Uh... $400 is NOT a nominal amount, are you crazy??

She's staying for 2 months, not being put on the lease.

DP. $400 is not a lot for DC. Maybe in Wisconsin or something, but it doesn't sound like you live around here and have an understanding of what many families spend.

Most people don't have housekeepers and you wouldn't need an extra visit. $200 a month is reasonable. She has the house and paying rent/mortgage anyway so the extra utilities and food.

Anyone who thinks this kid will only be spending $50/wk on food is living in lala land. Most kids these days can blow through $50 in a weekend. If the girl has Asperger's and seriously does not pick up on social cues that is all the more reason to hammer these details out in advance. Don't wait until she is in your home telling you that she only wants to eat take out food every day.

Her parents are the ones responsible for providing for their daughter and it is not o.k. for them to offload that responsibility completely onto Op.

You are clearly spending way more on groceries than we do. She'll probably be eating breakfast and dinner at home and lunch out. Aspergers is a non-issue. If she was parented well, she'll have the common sense to know basics of living with someone. If she wants take out or eat out every night she or her parents can pay for it. Simple. OP shouldn't be expected to pay for meals out every meal for a college kid. The kid will probably come with spending money and/or credit card.

You can not assume that this kid is coming with a dime much less a credit card. Her parents have not mentioned a thing about sending their daughter with some spending money. They haven't mentioned a thing about offsetting some of the costs of this visit for Op. That is why Op needs to hammer that out BEFORE the girl comes to stay with her. If she shows up asking Op for bus and cafeteria money, that might be a problem.

You are projecting. Most college kids have spending money or a credit card. This family clearly has some money. Most people would not offset the cost and anyone decent would get a gift card or nice gift when the child leaves. Most of us would not take the money but would at least like the offer. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what they need/want. This is a 19/20 year old not young teen.

No you are projecting. You assume that because you would send your college kid with a credit card and spending money to cover food/transportation/entertainment, etc that all parents would do the same. We are seeing on this thread that there are definitely some parents who just send their kid to stay with someone and let the host pay for everything.

Generally, it is not a good sign when the parent does not even offer to pay a certain amount to cover costs each month.

You have no idea whether they will offer to pay. It’s probably too early for that. But I. Would be kind of insulted if my sibling tried to pay me . Just as we have traded off babysitting for free when kids were little; you only say that you can do it if you can afford to. In fact, if OP is intending to charge rent, she should let them know as soon as possible because that is not how families usually operate.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would either tell her she’s on her own for groceries and cleaning, (and follow through to make sure the cleaning happens) or I would charge a nominal amount like $400 to cover groceries and extra housekeeping visits.

Uh... $400 is NOT a nominal amount, are you crazy??

She's staying for 2 months, not being put on the lease.

DP. $400 is not a lot for DC. Maybe in Wisconsin or something, but it doesn't sound like you live around here and have an understanding of what many families spend.

Most people don't have housekeepers and you wouldn't need an extra visit. $200 a month is reasonable. She has the house and paying rent/mortgage anyway so the extra utilities and food.

Anyone who thinks this kid will only be spending $50/wk on food is living in lala land. Most kids these days can blow through $50 in a weekend. If the girl has Asperger's and seriously does not pick up on social cues that is all the more reason to hammer these details out in advance. Don't wait until she is in your home telling you that she only wants to eat take out food every day.

Her parents are the ones responsible for providing for their daughter and it is not o.k. for them to offload that responsibility completely onto Op.

You are clearly spending way more on groceries than we do. She'll probably be eating breakfast and dinner at home and lunch out. Aspergers is a non-issue. If she was parented well, she'll have the common sense to know basics of living with someone. If she wants take out or eat out every night she or her parents can pay for it. Simple. OP shouldn't be expected to pay for meals out every meal for a college kid. The kid will probably come with spending money and/or credit card.

You can not assume that this kid is coming with a dime much less a credit card. Her parents have not mentioned a thing about sending their daughter with some spending money. They haven't mentioned a thing about offsetting some of the costs of this visit for Op. That is why Op needs to hammer that out BEFORE the girl comes to stay with her. If she shows up asking Op for bus and cafeteria money, that might be a problem.

You are projecting. Most college kids have spending money or a credit card. This family clearly has some money. Most people would not offset the cost and anyone decent would get a gift card or nice gift when the child leaves. Most of us would not take the money but would at least like the offer. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what they need/want. This is a 19/20 year old not young teen.

No you are projecting. You assume that because you would send your college kid with a credit card and spending money to cover food/transportation/entertainment, etc that all parents would do the same. We are seeing on this thread that there are definitely some parents who just send their kid to stay with someone and let the host pay for everything.

Generally, it is not a good sign when the parent does not even offer to pay a certain amount to cover costs each month.

Anonymous wrote:As the aunt I would ask for nothing.

As the parent, I would offer rent.

As the aunt, I would decline the money.

As the parent, I would give my daughter money for her own food. I would also get a grocery store gift card for aunt along with another nice thank you. And have daughter treat aunt to a nice meal out.

I would accept the rent offer as a way to defray any unexpected big costs. When the internship is over I might then return that rent money to the parents.

No money, but a huge burden of responsibility for an Asperger’s youngster.

You need to be upfront about cleaning/sharing space expectations with both parents and niece.

I have Aspie relatives. They get confused by diplomacy and beating around the bush. You need to use straight, direct language in a kind voice.

I am team "don't ask for rent" but that doesn't mean you are subsidizing her life. You should cover the cost of utilities (except her personal phone) and whatever meals are eaten inside your house. Transit, clothes, eating out, entertainment, etc are up to the girl and/or her parents. If she starts eating lobster and caviar you nip it in the bud.

You definitely want an understanding about visitors and guests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would either tell her she’s on her own for groceries and cleaning, (and follow through to make sure the cleaning happens) or I would charge a nominal amount like $400 to cover groceries and extra housekeeping visits.

Uh... $400 is NOT a nominal amount, are you crazy??

She's staying for 2 months, not being put on the lease.

DP. $400 is not a lot for DC. Maybe in Wisconsin or something, but it doesn't sound like you live around here and have an understanding of what many families spend.

Most people don't have housekeepers and you wouldn't need an extra visit. $200 a month is reasonable. She has the house and paying rent/mortgage anyway so the extra utilities and food.

Anyone who thinks this kid will only be spending $50/wk on food is living in lala land. Most kids these days can blow through $50 in a weekend. If the girl has Asperger's and seriously does not pick up on social cues that is all the more reason to hammer these details out in advance. Don't wait until she is in your home telling you that she only wants to eat take out food every day.

Her parents are the ones responsible for providing for their daughter and it is not o.k. for them to offload that responsibility completely onto Op.

You are clearly spending way more on groceries than we do. She'll probably be eating breakfast and dinner at home and lunch out. Aspergers is a non-issue. If she was parented well, she'll have the common sense to know basics of living with someone. If she wants take out or eat out every night she or her parents can pay for it. Simple. OP shouldn't be expected to pay for meals out every meal for a college kid. The kid will probably come with spending money and/or credit card.

You can not assume that this kid is coming with a dime much less a credit card. Her parents have not mentioned a thing about sending their daughter with some spending money. They haven't mentioned a thing about offsetting some of the costs of this visit for Op. That is why Op needs to hammer that out BEFORE the girl comes to stay with her. If she shows up asking Op for bus and cafeteria money, that might be a problem.

You are projecting. Most college kids have spending money or a credit card. This family clearly has some money. Most people would not offset the cost and anyone decent would get a gift card or nice gift when the child leaves. Most of us would not take the money but would at least like the offer. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what they need/want. This is a 19/20 year old not young teen.

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Anonymous wrote:My oldest stayed with my sister for four months. She didn’t want me to send any money. I insisted on sending $300 a month to cover part of the grocery bill.

People who don't have kids in their homes have no idea how expensive they really are. Op's utilities, food bill, transportation costs are all going to go up. I would never not send some money to help cover that for one my kids.

Finally some common sense. You are a good parent!

She can take the metro or bus and parents can pay. Utilities will be slightly more but not that much. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what ever extra she wants. We have teens stay for weeks. The utility bills and grocery bill don't go up that much. For us its a space issue, and the expectation we pay for activities and back to school clothing. And, when we eat out, us paying for two extra adult meals every time.

Why the heck to you pay for their back to school clothing? Aren't they going to school where they live? Why is that your responsibility as a host?

It boggles the mind what some of these "guests" expect from their hosts.

OP I speak as a parent of 2 kids with Asperger’s. There is a lot of individual variation in life skills. I think you need to have a conversation with the parents to understand what kind of support your niece may need during this internship. It would help to clarify expectations for everyone. If she has a counselor she works with at school, does she need to find someone locally to fill that role or will you be the one assisting her in thinking through social expectations/ situations.

I would ask about the groceries in the same vein/ joking with my sibling about my own shopping habits/ budget and asking if how niece handles those things at school. I would also ask about other preferences like shampoo/ towels etc. I like to be a good host, but it also serves to remind the parents of the needs/ complexities of their child.

Since these challenges run in families I have seen wildly varying expectations on all sides, so open conversations are definitely the way to go. I often send gift cards to people who are hosting my kids to cover incidentals. Nobody agrees to take money in advance, but my DD needs strawberries with her breakfast in the morning and I would rather defray those weird costs than have someone feel resentful. I also send my kids with enough spending money to buy dinner and instructions to clean up after home- cooked meals in any way possible.

But my Aspie who is very particular about dishwasher losing is instructed to help clear the table and load/ unload the car, entertain young children. Because nobody needs feedback from a guest about dishwasher losing.

Good luck! This can be a great experience for you and your niece!

As the aunt I would ask for nothing.

As the parent, I would offer rent.

As the aunt, I would decline the money.

As the parent, I would give my daughter money for her own food. I would also get a grocery store gift card for aunt along with another nice thank you. And have daughter treat aunt to a nice meal out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would either tell her she’s on her own for groceries and cleaning, (and follow through to make sure the cleaning happens) or I would charge a nominal amount like $400 to cover groceries and extra housekeeping visits.

Uh... $400 is NOT a nominal amount, are you crazy??

She's staying for 2 months, not being put on the lease.

DP. $400 is not a lot for DC. Maybe in Wisconsin or something, but it doesn't sound like you live around here and have an understanding of what many families spend.

Most people don't have housekeepers and you wouldn't need an extra visit. $200 a month is reasonable. She has the house and paying rent/mortgage anyway so the extra utilities and food.

Anyone who thinks this kid will only be spending $50/wk on food is living in lala land. Most kids these days can blow through $50 in a weekend. If the girl has Asperger's and seriously does not pick up on social cues that is all the more reason to hammer these details out in advance. Don't wait until she is in your home telling you that she only wants to eat take out food every day.

Her parents are the ones responsible for providing for their daughter and it is not o.k. for them to offload that responsibility completely onto Op.

You are clearly spending way more on groceries than we do. She'll probably be eating breakfast and dinner at home and lunch out. Aspergers is a non-issue. If she was parented well, she'll have the common sense to know basics of living with someone. If she wants take out or eat out every night she or her parents can pay for it. Simple. OP shouldn't be expected to pay for meals out every meal for a college kid. The kid will probably come with spending money and/or credit card.

You can not assume that this kid is coming with a dime much less a credit card. Her parents have not mentioned a thing about sending their daughter with some spending money. They haven't mentioned a thing about offsetting some of the costs of this visit for Op. That is why Op needs to hammer that out BEFORE the girl comes to stay with her. If she shows up asking Op for bus and cafeteria money, that might be a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest stayed with my sister for four months. She didn’t want me to send any money. I insisted on sending $300 a month to cover part of the grocery bill.

People who don't have kids in their homes have no idea how expensive they really are. Op's utilities, food bill, transportation costs are all going to go up. I would never not send some money to help cover that for one my kids.

Finally some common sense. You are a good parent!

She can take the metro or bus and parents can pay. Utilities will be slightly more but not that much. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what ever extra she wants. We have teens stay for weeks. The utility bills and grocery bill don't go up that much. For us its a space issue, and the expectation we pay for activities and back to school clothing. And, when we eat out, us paying for two extra adult meals every time.