Anonymous
01/03/2020 00:25
Subject: Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
IRL people keep the peace in the family and also don't speak of family issues to most friends. It's different here where posters can vent and air out petty grievances without repercussion.
Anonymous
01/02/2020 23:50
Subject: Re:Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
We don't live in the same state as our son, DIL, grand daughter. We have also never met her face to face. Travel plans are hard for them and nearly impossible for me. Life is the way it is.
This Christmas we paid for everything. All of it. We gave them $3000 in cash. I think they were shocked. The texts they sent made no sense. It was funny. We gave the money the first week in November so they could get the things they wanted early.
I also bought, with DIL's approval, a room fit for a princess. The bed, the dresser and mirror, the two nightstands, the mattress, the sheets, blanket, comforter, pillow shams plus the pillows that go in them, all the wall stuff she wanted for her little girl, a rug, curtains, a big soft chair for her room. Plus other things. Mom picked it all out, I just ordered and paid for it. All Mom's want a pretty room for their girls. No one told me to offer this. I saw a picture of her room and Grandpa didn't say anything when I told him my plan so we bought. They have a new house and I knew they couldn't get this stuff now so we did it for them. We got our son a top of the line Apple computer. He nearly fell out when he found out. He was so happy.
I send them gift cards for food, gas, clothes, shoes, whatever. We pay for our grand daughter's lunches at school. We buy her school clothes and supplies. We never miss a holiday or a birthday.
The biggest obstacle for young couples is both working and not having enough money to get some wants. We helped with those wants. Sometimes I think I do all this because I'm trying to make up for not being there. Her mother is there and sees our girl everyday. We get pictures but it's not the same.
I think my DIL likes me. I'm not sure. I tell her I love her and mean it. I do know she loves baby girl's room. It has the WOW factor.
And I keep all my opinions to myself even if I'm asked. All I want is for them to love each other and to help them when they need it. Nothing else matters to me.
This Christmas we paid for everything. All of it. We gave them $3000 in cash. I think they were shocked. The texts they sent made no sense. It was funny. We gave the money the first week in November so they could get the things they wanted early.
I also bought, with DIL's approval, a room fit for a princess. The bed, the dresser and mirror, the two nightstands, the mattress, the sheets, blanket, comforter, pillow shams plus the pillows that go in them, all the wall stuff she wanted for her little girl, a rug, curtains, a big soft chair for her room. Plus other things. Mom picked it all out, I just ordered and paid for it. All Mom's want a pretty room for their girls. No one told me to offer this. I saw a picture of her room and Grandpa didn't say anything when I told him my plan so we bought. They have a new house and I knew they couldn't get this stuff now so we did it for them. We got our son a top of the line Apple computer. He nearly fell out when he found out. He was so happy.
I send them gift cards for food, gas, clothes, shoes, whatever. We pay for our grand daughter's lunches at school. We buy her school clothes and supplies. We never miss a holiday or a birthday.
The biggest obstacle for young couples is both working and not having enough money to get some wants. We helped with those wants. Sometimes I think I do all this because I'm trying to make up for not being there. Her mother is there and sees our girl everyday. We get pictures but it's not the same.
I think my DIL likes me. I'm not sure. I tell her I love her and mean it. I do know she loves baby girl's room. It has the WOW factor.
And I keep all my opinions to myself even if I'm asked. All I want is for them to love each other and to help them when they need it. Nothing else matters to me.
Anonymous
01/02/2020 23:05
Subject: Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
Is dcum causing my mother-in-law to be a freeloading witch?
Anonymous
01/01/2020 21:51
Subject: Re:Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
Slightly different perspective. I am a SIL that had issues with my MIL but in reality it was really issues that my DW wouldn’t address. MIL was very helpful but didn’t recognize any boundaries. She made me feel like I was a quest in my own home. When I expressed my concerns to my DW she told me to “get over it”. Made for a very tough relationship all around. My MIL was a great grandmother - incredibly loving and my kids loved her so - but we never really comfortable in the same house and if my DW had the courage to talk to her Mom when we were newlyweds things would have been a lot better.
Anonymous
01/01/2020 18:01
Subject: Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
Because they have in laws
Anonymous
01/01/2020 17:25
Subject: Re:Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?
Anonymous wrote:[b]Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any in law problems. They have some in law problems with me - mostly because they think I should compensate for DH (re: calling more, thank you notes etc) which I’m not going to do because A) he should do it and B) it feels like a betrayal to him which is trauma they all cooked up together when they had an acrimonious divorce. I’ve long since decided never to adjudicate any of that and just to be 100% in my DH’s corner because that’s what he deserved then and didn’t get.
This, to a degree. Not the same scenario but:
IMO it is often that the ILs have a problem with the DIL early on (often disapprove of the marriage or the woman their son has chosen- for whatever reason) and make it known. Then they are surprised when this effects their relationship with their son and grandchildren. If this is addressed early on in the marriage it is often recoverable but the longer it goes on, the more tension there is. They don’t seem to think ahead.
I cringe when I see questions like “should I tell my brother we have concerns about his fiancé?” Etc. No good will come of that, pretty much ever. Also men are foolish and 9 times out 10 they will tell their fiancé/wife exactly what was said. Sets up a very bad scenario from the beginning. Then the ILs are shocked, just shocked, that son and DIL aren’t as close to them as they would like[/b].
I think this is common, and tends to go one of two ways when the first grandkid comes along- it is either (1) uh oh- I haven’t been very nice to DIL. I’d better change that- she is the mother of my grandchild and isn’t going anywhere! Basically, they come around. Or (2) they try to go around DIL and think they can be mean yet still expect access to the grandchild.
Basically some ILs come around eventually, and learn to get along- others don’t.
+1. My MIL made several unfortunate remarks to DH about me and my family when we were dating and in the early years of our marriage. It made me distrust her overtures to me later when our children were born. I will never make that mistake with my children’s SOs.