Anonymous
12/20/2019 12:00
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and DH is thrilled. We have a teen and when her friends are over, it’s loud and sometimes messy. I love DH and like to try to give him a lot of attention when he walks through the door. Guests are very distracting. It works great if he can delay 30-60 min so the teens clear out and I can tidy up. The same if I’ve run a lot of errands and have groceries and other things scattered about.
This wins the most pathetic post award. When your DH gets home, the house must be tidy, and he has to be showered with affection?
We can guess what your home looks like and how touch starved your marriage is.
I have a clean home and my spouse and I are very affectionate toward one another. What dies that have to do with not feeling the need for my spouse to never see - gasp - groceries on the counter?
Anonymous
12/20/2019 10:15
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.
Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.
The problem isn't that you aren't good at multi-taking. The problem is you have both a bad relationship with your husband and an incredibly unhelpful husband. You should be able to talk to him about this. And he should be able to come home and be a useful parent. Why couldn't he come home and clean up the toys while the kids ate? Or even just gone upstairs and not been helpful?
Np here. If my husband came home at that time, he would be helping me set the table, watching the kids, offering drinks for my guests or I would have him cook the food while I entertain. I mean we eat dinner everyday. It isn’t like I just serve him. He helps get dinner on the table.
OP here. DH tries his best to come home earlier just so he can try to have dinner with us - but that also means he has to finish up work at home - so he's simply unavailable while I'm prepping dinner, setting the table, watching the kids. He's on the couch on the computer or on his phone.
Also I have at least tried getting DH and kids involved in at least setting the table - because I feel it will make the process of getting everyone to the dinner table a smoother transition. But it has never worked. DH is distracted or something and it sounds silly but I think he actual has some invisible handicap that impairs his ability to set a table - I could explain a million times, but it never gets through. My 5yo son is actually better at it than he is - he and I seem to be the only ones in the house with the skill, so he or I usually do it.
And then getting DH to come to the table is always another challenge, and so the kids follow suit and don't want to sit to eat either. He's always finishing up something.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 10:13
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:I know this is a bit of an inane question, but I'm curious. If your spouse asked you (ONE night) to come home a bit later from work because of an extended playdate and dinner, would you be upset? Spouse was non-specific about why - merely explained that it would make things a little easier for the playdate.
Yes, I would be fine with it. If a man comes home and there is a group of women in his living room with babies, does he want to hang out with them? Is he just going to sit there and it will be awkward?
Anonymous
12/20/2019 08:34
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.
Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.
The problem isn't that you aren't good at multi-taking. The problem is you have both a bad relationship with your husband and an incredibly unhelpful husband. You should be able to talk to him about this. And he should be able to come home and be a useful parent. Why couldn't he come home and clean up the toys while the kids ate? Or even just gone upstairs and not been helpful?
Np here. If my husband came home at that time, he would be helping me set the table, watching the kids, offering drinks for my guests or I would have him cook the food while I entertain. I mean we eat dinner everyday. It isn’t like I just serve him. He helps get dinner on the table.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:30
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and DH is thrilled. We have a teen and when her friends are over, it’s loud and sometimes messy. I love DH and like to try to give him a lot of attention when he walks through the door. Guests are very distracting. It works great if he can delay 30-60 min so the teens clear out and I can tidy up. The same if I’ve run a lot of errands and have groceries and other things scattered about.
This wins the most pathetic post award. When your DH gets home, the house must be tidy, and he has to be showered with affection?
We can guess what your home looks like and how touch starved your marriage is.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:29
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.
Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.
I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.
I remember that too. I honestly feel that most of the people on that thread either had helpful spouses who were typically there for bedtime and would actually take over some of the bedtime routine, or they didn’t have children at all.
Well yes, I wouldn't marry someone who isn't interested in taking care of his children. YMMV.
Well, since perfect you married the perfect spouse, perhaps you shouldn't weigh in. This thread is for imperfect humans trying their best to deal with imperfect situations.
The fact that you think that someone who is INTERESTED IN TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILDREN is the perfect spouse is so very sad. I know tons of imperfect humans and parents. But at least they all take care of their children.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:28
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.
Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.
I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.
What about the father who wants to see his kids?
Sorry, didn't you get the memo? Dads don't matter here on DCUM. They're just supposed to go to work and make money and then show up at one thing a year so the wife can crow about how involved he is.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:26
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.
Really? Whenever my spouse comes home at bedtime, it pushes the kids' sleep by at least 30 minutes. Then the kids are crabby and I have to spend longer time putting them to bed. It's not too much to ask that they be considerate of that when the kids are really young.
I'm with you. I'm the one who posted above about DH starting a tickle war after the kids were peacefully tucked in falling asleep. We're still married, but it was a close call after that (I kid. Mostly.) Did you miss that whole long thread a while back? People were outraged at the thought of asking the spouse (usually it's dad) to come before or after bedtime but not in the middle, but I totally get it. Not only is it annoying for the parent who is doing bedtime, it can negatively affect the kids for all of the next day. Not fair to anyone.
I remember that too. I honestly feel that most of the people on that thread either had helpful spouses who were typically there for bedtime and would actually take over some of the bedtime routine, or they didn’t have children at all.
This is every single family I know, with the exception of one. One. The fact that you think this is normal is honestly pathetic.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:24
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Also, things just get extra crazy when DH comes home. For various reasons.
He usually is short on patience already from his work day, and often has to finish work a bit. Kids are exhausted by end of day, they are trying to get DH's attention in whatever way because they haven't seen him all day, whether positive or negative, and get upset if he's not paying attention. Also DH is the wild fun friend who has a natural talent of bringing out the pent up crazy in kids and part of his routine is to roughhouse with them because it helps him get his frustrations from the day out as well. He also gets a little upset if the kids don't give him a big warm welcome or get excited about him coming home, which I understand, but at the same time, sometimes the kids are just exhausted or distracted. Also kids get extra punchy and borderline rude when their friends are over - especially to DH - it's like they are showing off that they can be rude to their dad for laughs.
So when DH gets home, I feed him and ask him about his day, remind the kids to be respectful to their dad or stop harassing him while he is trying to get his work done. For me, while I'm at my max, it's just extra stuff on my plate I have to manage, and I am not good at managing multiple things at a time.
There's a lot to unpack here. I suggest you and your husband go to therapy. Both individually and alone. The fact that your husband gets upset when his kids don't give him a big enough welcome when he comes home (?!?!?) is a major issue. He's acting like a child, and it's clearly putting a lot of stress on you. I'm assuming that you don't work? You may want to have a discussion about the dynamic in your house unless you want to continue to be Betty Draper. I mean, honestly, what does your husband do for you? You feed him and ask about his day and wrangle the kids while he ... pouts that they aren't excited enough to see him? This is a super messed up dynamic, OP, and I genuinely hope you get some help with it.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:21
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:OP here and yeah, I'm realizing I offended my spouse. I am the one who asked DH to come home an hour later than usual. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why, and I didn't want to answer specifically because I knew it would only make it worse and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I was just very vague.
Basically I suck at multi-tasking - so while I enjoy playdates, managing a house full of young kids, setting the table, cooking dinner, keeping an eye on them, getting them fed, cleaning up after dinner and all the toys, and maintaining some order while letting them have some fun is about my max of what I can handle. If he came home at his usual time, he would have come home just as I was getting dinner on the table and getting the kids to clean up and come to the table - the most crazy time for me.
The problem isn't that you aren't good at multi-taking. The problem is you have both a bad relationship with your husband and an incredibly unhelpful husband. You should be able to talk to him about this. And he should be able to come home and be a useful parent. Why couldn't he come home and clean up the toys while the kids ate? Or even just gone upstairs and not been helpful?
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:18
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:OP here again. No there's no surprise involved. Spouse hates surprises. The explanation was that it would just make managing the playdate and dinner a bit easier with a house full of kids with their friends in the middle of the week.
This seems to indicate there's a lot more going on, in a number of ways. Mostly though, they have terrible communication issues. If the working spouse has a tendency to get kids all riled up, for example, then I can see the point of at home spouse. However, this isn't an issue to be avoided by making a non-specific request. It's an issue to be talked through. I can't think of anything that I do that would be easier without my spouse there except taking a quiet bath. If I had a house full of kids I'd want him there to help.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:17
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:I’d assume the kids we’re doing some sort of Xmas gift project or something.
If that’s the case, just say so!
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:14
Subject: Re:Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:I always ask my spouse to come home a little later if they were going to come home in the middle of bedtime routine. Either come home before bedtime routine or after they’re in bed but not in the middle.
So if they get stuck in traffic both they and the children are not allowed to say goodnight? I'm Type A but this is way severe. Chill out.
Anonymous
12/20/2019 07:02
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and DH is thrilled. We have a teen and when her friends are over, it’s loud and sometimes messy. I love DH and like to try to give him a lot of attention when he walks through the door. Guests are very distracting. It works great if he can delay 30-60 min so the teens clear out and I can tidy up. The same if I’ve run a lot of errands and have groceries and other things scattered about.
This wins the most pathetic post award. When your DH gets home, the house must be tidy, and he has to be showered with affection?
Anonymous
12/20/2019 06:26
Subject: Spouse asks you to come home from later
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be upset. I’d do a drive bye to see if she’s getting banged by someone...
Cheating, a$$, $lut, hoe, wife of mine.
2020, I’m gone and thank goodness we have no children.
Why wait 10 more days? You can file today! And have a truly Happy New Year.