If a woman feels overwhelmed, undervalued, and just tired, she might lose interest in sex. And often women feel that way because men don't help out around the house enough (studies show this, look it up).

Men who think their wives are suddenly withholding sex: take a look in the mirror, maybe it's you and not them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Again, please read the prior summary of what read here: sex is the most important thing to a man in a marriage. After sex, men can be interested in other things like work, kids, food, alcohol etc. Men will not worry about women getting to other tasks as long as sex is good. UMC men will likely cheat anyway because of opportunity (ego, variety etc.).

Doesn’t this summary comport with what you’re saying? I don’t think this dismisses your concern about sex at all. As I say, this is what should be taught to next generation of women.

PP you are responding to, and I can hold multiple things important at the same time. Again, this isn't a black or white issue. For example, my kid's health is the most important thing to me and sex is trivial in comparison.

The question you are asking is whether the sexual aspect of the marriage is the most important. It's hard to quantify other than to say it's essential and for most men, including me, there is no marriage without it. Yes, I still love my wife and care about her, but its not a romantic connection and the heart moves on to others when the sex dies.

I’m the pp poster you are responding to. I have to tell you that although I’ve been married for over 25 years, all of this has been a learning for me. I have daughters and this is a bit disconcerting. I see many LTR around me and it seems that those men around me have a bit more balanced view of life/relationships but who knows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Some wives lose interest in sex. Unsurprisingly, their husbands lose interest in monogamy. It all evens out though.

The older I get, the clearer it becomes to me that wives lose interest in sex WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.

It's so sad that many women here are shrugging their shoulders and saying "yeah if you want to keep your man happy gotta put out even if you don't feel like it, I'm teaching my daughters the same thing." Good grief.

Ladies you can do better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman but I know my husband would say it's false. He and his brothers also want somebody to talk to, an equal partner in a relationship, somebody they can admire as far as work and ambition (even if that's just being a stay at home mom), somebody who is a good enough mom to their kids, and of course they want to be good people themselves and provide their wives with what their wives need need. And of course they want financial success, fun hobbies, kids, friends, all that. Yes, lots of sex is something they want but it's just one of many things.

I think men who think that men only want one thing and that's sex are emotionally stunted and need therapy.

If he's not getting sex, all those other good things are going to pale into insignificance, and yes, he will start looking for ways to get sex elsewhere.

Women who think sex is not necessary to a successful marriage are stunted and need therapy.

I never said that sex isn't necessary to a successful marriage, but it's actually not. If the two partners are comfortable with the frequency of sexual activity, there is no problem. And if a guy isn't happy with it and decides that an excuse to go seek sex elsewhere instead of working through the issue, good riddance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The question you are asking is whether the sexual aspect of the marriage is the most important. It's hard to quantify other than to say it's essential and for most men, including me, there is no marriage without it. Yes, I still love my wife and care about her, but its not a romantic connection and the heart moves on to others when the sex dies.

So, I'd add a caveat to this - sex in the marriage would not be the most important aspect to me if it went away due to reasons beyond either of our control. If my wife got a debilitating disease, for example. While I'd miss the sex, I would still love her and would value the marriage as something very much worth preserving even if it was sexless. I think this has to do with the "love language" thing. If it feels like she's deciding not to show me love through physical touch, it makes me feel unloved. If she's not being affectionate in that way because she can't, it would not make me feel unloved.

I think this is all very hypothetical. You don’t really know how you would feel. You may very well feel unloved even though you know it doesn’t logically make sense.
My husband had an orthopedic surgery a few months ago and wasn’t able to have sex for about six weeks because it caused him a lot of pain. He pretty much lost interest in the marriage until he healed. He did, conversely, become more interested in the kids. I don’t know what to make of that.

Anonymous wrote:

The question you are asking is whether the sexual aspect of the marriage is the most important. It's hard to quantify other than to say it's essential and for most men, including me, there is no marriage without it. Yes, I still love my wife and care about her, but its not a romantic connection and the heart moves on to others when the sex dies.

So, I'd add a caveat to this - sex in the marriage would not be the most important aspect to me if it went away due to reasons beyond either of our control. If my wife got a debilitating disease, for example. While I'd miss the sex, I would still love her and would value the marriage as something very much worth preserving even if it was sexless. I think this has to do with the "love language" thing. If it feels like she's deciding not to show me love through physical touch, it makes me feel unloved. If she's not being affectionate in that way because she can't, it would not make me feel unloved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Again, please read the prior summary of what read here: sex is the most important thing to a man in a marriage. After sex, men can be interested in other things like work, kids, food, alcohol etc. Men will not worry about women getting to other tasks as long as sex is good. UMC men will likely cheat anyway because of opportunity (ego, variety etc.).

Doesn’t this summary comport with what you’re saying? I don’t think this dismisses your concern about sex at all. As I say, this is what should be taught to next generation of women.

PP you are responding to, and I can hold multiple things important at the same time. Again, this isn't a black or white issue. For example, my kid's health is the most important thing to me and sex is trivial in comparison.

The question you are asking is whether the sexual aspect of the marriage is the most important. It's hard to quantify other than to say it's essential and for most men, including me, there is no marriage without it. Yes, I still love my wife and care about her, but its not a romantic connection and the heart moves on to others when the sex dies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why so many women here are struggling with the logical concept of "necessary but not sufficient".

Men regard sex as necessary to ensure a good marriage (fun fact: so do women).

Men do not regard sex as sufficient to ensure a good marriage (fun fact: neither do women).

No, men don't "only" want sex - they want other things too - but they think it is necessary, and if you take it away, the marriage will fall apart.

Not really struggling. Just summarizing. Sex is the most important thing. Other things like work, food, alcohol, kids can be important. Women should prioritize sex over any other item for happy relationship. Men may be more forgiving if women don’t do those other things if sex is good.

This is what men and women need to teach their daughters based on many of the threads on this board.

Man here. Guilty as charged. Sex is THE most important thing to me and my gender. Yes, Teach your daughters and the world will be a happier place, divorce rates will plummet.

Oh I think most women know this but will never truly understand. For most women, the kids would rank as most important. At least that is putting someone else first. But sex first...seems very selfish. Important sure but first? No, women will never truly understand that, no.

I'm a PP woman who has stated that, yes, sex is #1 for men even as they do of course love their children... and I agree with your post. It is selfish. That's why I stated that most men would be fine with never having kids so that they don't have to be responsible for another human being other than themselves. IMO, men are inherently selfish in this regard. I don't know if it's biological or cultural, but it just is.

And women don't understand it, can't grasp the concept of not having children as the #1 priority in life, and that is why so many parents with younger children are unhappy. I say "younger" because as the kids get older, you don't have to prioritize the kids' needs/wants as much, so you can start focusing on each other. That's where we are at now, and yes, now sex is much more of a priority. It wasn't to me when the kids were younger.

IMO, it's a two way street.. women need to understand where men are coming from, but men, too, need to understand the woman's wants/needs if they want a happy relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Again, please read the prior summary of what read here: sex is the most important thing to a man in a marriage. After sex, men can be interested in other things like work, kids, food, alcohol etc. Men will not worry about women getting to other tasks as long as sex is good. UMC men will likely cheat anyway because of opportunity (ego, variety etc.).

Doesn’t this summary comport with what you’re saying? I don’t think this dismisses your concern about sex at all. As I say, this is what should be taught to next generation of women.

We’ve already agreed with you so why don’t you go away now and get busy teaching the next generation of women?

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I am pretty sure my husband would die for our kids, but he isn’t really invested in their day to day. More like George Bailey than Atticus Finch.

Catcher in the Rye quote: "The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Again, please read the prior summary of what read here: sex is the most important thing to a man in a marriage. After sex, men can be interested in other things like work, kids, food, alcohol etc. Men will not worry about women getting to other tasks as long as sex is good. UMC men will likely cheat anyway because of opportunity (ego, variety etc.).

Doesn’t this summary comport with what you’re saying? I don’t think this dismisses your concern about sex at all. As I say, this is what should be taught to next generation of women.

Men need sex to feel loved. It's the primary way many men feel loved in a relationship, through physical touch

So reframe the question and ask if love is an essential part of marriage and emotional happiness and then you realize why men prioritize sex

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Some wives lose interest in sex. Unsurprisingly, their husbands lose interest in monogamy. It all evens out though.

Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

+1