Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 17:24     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


Barf? Wow, I thought the post above was really sweet. It describes how my mother and MIL are and how I hope to be when I'm the grandma.



Sounds like slaves.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 16:32     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:Mercy! All these responses make me think more fondly of my perfume-wearing, snobby, disengaged, alcoholic MIL who thinks my DH hung the moon!

I'm sensitive to this bc with just two young sons and no daughters, I'm destined to be loathed. But I don't wear perfume and like to play with kids, so maybe those future DILs will give me a pass....




Come in "expecting to be loathed," and you've pretty much written a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just be kind and polite. Like to a peer. Because your DIL WILL BE your peer. She will not be another child of yours. Be kind and polite and good things will come to you. Respect her, respect her household and her marriage and her mothering, stay out of her business, and you'll be fine.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 13:08     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:My son and his wife are hosting my husband and I for Christmas, as well as my sister and her husband. My nephew will also attend the holiday dinner, but not as an overnight guest.

So far, it seems I've been relegated to "bring muffins and some wine" duty, which is fine. I want to be helpful, but I know they're excited to try their hand at hosting a holiday for the first time. Besides helping to watch the kids, and offering to help with the meals and household chores, what can I do? Any advice from those of you who have either hosted your ILs, or been guests of your DILs?


Nothing. You ask: once. If she and he say nothing, respect that. You have had your chance to host the holidays over the years. Now step aside and let them. Your use of "relegate" seems to convey some bitterness about that. Check it at the door.

I'll also add this: my MIL is a super nice lady. And we get along. But, she is anxious (and that bleeds to others) and can actually get in the way by trying to help. She has her way of how she did things: fine. I have mine. They are not the same and it will go faster if she just lets me be. I try to give her some small things to do and to encourage her to be with the grandkids and her son while I do the "laboring oar" work.

It's super nice of you to want to do more. And that may change in time. But if you want that, respect their wishes (it's both of them) now.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 12:54     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.


I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.


You can't "understand" because you are putting yourself in a victim role when you in fact are not a victim. "I just want to be helpful by contributing! Why won't they let me do that? It's so not fair!!!" You are like a little kid upset that you can't get your way.

Change is hard. Moving on from being the hostess to being a guest is a change and a transition. It doesn't mean you are less than, less important or are going to be forgot. You aren't being relegated to anything. You are being asked to contribute, to join in and be a part of the celebration.

Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 12:48     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Thanks for asking OP! Number one is enjoy & occupy the grandkids. That's what I like the most when my MILs (one step) visit.

The other stuff is a bit trickier. Normally, I like it when my MILs just stay out of the way with what I'm doing. If they want to completely take over dinner or dishes - fine. But I don't really want to have to deal with tandem cooking & cleaning. So my advice is to identify chores you can do completely.

On the other hand, hosting is a HUGE job, so any additional offers to help might be useful. I'd suggest identifying something concrete (peeling potatoes? baking a pie at a time when the over isn't occupied?)
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 12:39     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
I have a great relationship with my MIL and have often hosted all of my husband's family for holidays. The thing that makes our relationship work is that from the very beginning, we approached our relationship as one where we would try to love each other, no matter what. If you're genuine in this feeling, it will show up, and it will guide what you do. If you know you can't be genuine in this way, then I recommend just trying to spend as short a time as possible at your DIL's, so you both have the least opportunity to offend each other.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 12:31     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


Barf? Wow, I thought the post above was really sweet. It describes how my mother and MIL are and how I hope to be when I'm the grandma.


Me too. I hope I can be that grandma. I'm DYING to babysit my grandkids.

And a MIL isn't the same thing as a regular guest. When my mom visits, we cook the holiday dinner together with our matching aprons, favorite music and a glass of wine. We reminisce about holidays past and how she learned to bake her pies from her grandma. This year we got my toddlers matching aprons to help. That's probably what OP wants. When my MIL visits she just sits on the couch and videotapes the kids. MIL and her daughter love to cook together but they don't want me in there. They have their own rhythm, traditions and no one wants a DIL (even a nice one like me) helping.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 12:19     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
So I think the posters who identified that the OP is annoyed that she doesn't have a larger role and this makes her feel unimportant are spot on. OP's bad attitude is coming through loud and clear and I can only imagine how much worse it will be for her DIL who will experience OP's annoyed comments along with bad body language and facial expressions.

OP I suggest that you send your son and DIL a note letting them know that you know that you are a bit of an asshole. You know this and will try to keep it in check but if they notice not to take it personally.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 11:35     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


This lady is complaining that she doesn’t have a bigger role! You guys are just looking for ways to get offended. If the DIL tells you that you’re a guest and you can just relax and enjoy - you’re mad that you’re being “relegated” to a minor role. If the DIL gives you suggestions to get more involved, you get pissed of that taking care if your grandchildren is treating you like a maid and babysitter.

Honestly, no matter what your DIL does just admit you’re going to be mad about it.


+100
How many times on here do we see advice to be clear about what you want if someone offers?

MIL: can I do your laundry to help?
DIL: actually, Eileen, like you, I find laundry to be an easy task and have my preferences. Would you mind vacuuming?
MIL: nope. I only offered on my terms

MIL: it will be so great to help with the kids! (and facebook to upstage that witch Helen and all her perfect pictures)
DIL: great, you can take them to soccer and then lunch?
MIL: nope, I just need a cute picture. Now I'm gonna nap.


you completely lack self-awareness if you can't see how obnoxious this actuall is.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 11:33     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


Barf? Wow, I thought the post above was really sweet. It describes how my mother and MIL are and how I hope to be when I'm the grandma.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 11:32     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:Adding to the list

9. Do not re-arrange the furniture at night. It is disconcerting to wake up the next morning and the living room, family room and dining room are all re-arranged.

10. If you are religious and your hosts are not or are a different religion pray silently. If they invite you to pray do not do a prayer hoping that people who do not follow your religion will be spared from hell. Limit your pray to something very short, you were not invited to make an academy award speech.

11. Respect personal space. If your DIL is not a smoocher or a hugger and pulls back do not grab her and give her a gross kiss. Instead give her a welcoming smile.

12. Do not spray the children with perfume.

13. Do not spray your purse dog with perfume.

14. Do not spray the host's cat with perfume - in fact just leave the perfume home.


omg pp-- I'm dying. I thought my mom was bad...

don't offer to unload the dishwasher and literally ask every nano second, "where does this go?"

Don't sit on your rear and *not* offer to help then say "I would help but I don't know where anything goes."

Don't fill every second with observations about your current state of health- I don't want to know that the dentist thinks you have too much plaque. That is seriously gross.

Please stop suggesting everyone in the house goes to get an antibiotic because we have a common cold. You're going to die in the first wave from antibiotic abuse.

When we're in a restaurant and I've already said I haven't been here before, stop asking me "what should I order?"

These are minor things compared to spraying the dog and kids with perfume, however.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 11:23     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:My son and his wife are hosting my husband and I for Christmas, as well as my sister and her husband. My nephew will also attend the holiday dinner, but not as an overnight guest.

So far, it seems I've been relegated to "bring muffins and some wine" duty, which is fine. I want to be helpful, but I know they're excited to try their hand at hosting a holiday for the first time. Besides helping to watch the kids, and offering to help with the meals and household chores, what can I do? Any advice from those of you who have either hosted your ILs, or been guests of your DILs?


Assuming you have a good preexisting relationship with your DIL, this should not be difficult. Be a nice pleasant guest, say complimentary things about the house, their appearance, their kids and the food. Do not criticize the food even if you don't like it. Don't get into arguments even if you feel strongly about something. Always support your DIL even in funny, well intentioned arguments between your son and his wife. She will remember it and appreciate it. Help if you like, relax if you like. One thing that always pleases mothers is well-intentioned focus on their kids. Whatever I think of DH's relatives, it always warms my heart to see them playing with the kids and actually doing it, not just saying it.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 10:56     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


This lady is complaining that she doesn’t have a bigger role! You guys are just looking for ways to get offended. If the DIL tells you that you’re a guest and you can just relax and enjoy - you’re mad that you’re being “relegated” to a minor role. If the DIL gives you suggestions to get more involved, you get pissed of that taking care if your grandchildren is treating you like a maid and babysitter.

Honestly, no matter what your DIL does just admit you’re going to be mad about it.


+100
How many times on here do we see advice to be clear about what you want if someone offers?

MIL: can I do your laundry to help?
DIL: actually, Eileen, like you, I find laundry to be an easy task and have my preferences. Would you mind vacuuming?
MIL: nope. I only offered on my terms

MIL: it will be so great to help with the kids! (and facebook to upstage that witch Helen and all her perfect pictures)
DIL: great, you can take them to soccer and then lunch?
MIL: nope, I just need a cute picture. Now I'm gonna nap.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 09:56     Subject: Re:Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.


You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.


This lady is complaining that she doesn’t have a bigger role! You guys are just looking for ways to get offended. If the DIL tells you that you’re a guest and you can just relax and enjoy - you’re mad that you’re being “relegated” to a minor role. If the DIL gives you suggestions to get more involved, you get pissed of that taking care if your grandchildren is treating you like a maid and babysitter.

Honestly, no matter what your DIL does just admit you’re going to be mad about it.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2019 09:46     Subject: Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
Stay in a hotel.