Anonymous wrote:Cheaters - in marriage, or other areas of life, are not people who care about others in general. They lack empathy, so of course they don't care about how it affects kids.

If "sex" is the issue then be a grownup and ask for an open marriage or get a divorce. Cheating is the juvenile path of cowards.

This is ridiculous, yet totally emblematic of black and white judgement, thinking and advice on DCUM. Lots of people cheat at some point in their lives.... LOTS. You're saying they don't care about their kids, families, spouses? That's just absurd on its face.

One of the reasons for "cheating" is that the cheater DOES care about their family. They care about their kids and they care about their spouse, but they're maybe not getting their needs met within the relationship.

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

Then don't get married, you say? Marriages evolve, people evolve and change. Affection and intimacy wane and die, or someone works too much, or one partner stops wanting to have sex or whatever... You can script life in a logical flowchart as to how it SHOULD work, but it falls apart when you add people and real life.

Stop being so judgmental. You don't know what goes on in the hearts of the 50% of the population that cheats at some point.

Anonymous wrote:

A wife who doesnt have sex doesn't make you cheat any more than she makes you gamble, use drugs, or hit the children. You alone are responsible for your own actions.

It’s not about blame. It’s cause and effect. If you ration sex, then your husband has a powerful incentive to cheat. Blame him all you want, but you have some control over what happens.

Nope. This is all about blame and and excuse.

A wife who doesnt have sex doesn't make you cheat any more than she makes you gamble, use drugs, or hit the children. You alone are responsible for your own actions.

It’s not about blame. It’s cause and effect. If you ration sex, then your husband has a powerful incentive to cheat. Blame him all you want, but you have some control over what happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. If your wife isnt sleeping with you, there is a reason. Maybe ask her why. If the answer isnt satisfactory or actionable, then you tell her if you can live with it or not.

Btw, sex isnt a need. Go to any high school or college and you'll find literally thousands of involuntarily celibate men. They dont commit crimes, rove around raping women, or generally blame women for their lot in life. The ones that do (like you) have bigger issues in play.

Girl. If you aren't sleeping with your husband, there is a reason. Maybe tell him why. If sex is not important enough for you to clearly (in plain english) tell him your (actionable!) reason, then he is free to go elsewhere... because - by your own choice - sex isn't important, so it is no big deal when he does that unimportant thing elsewhere.

Btw, fidelity isn't a need. Go to any neighborhood block party and you will find thousands of sexless wives whose husbands have saved the marriage by going elsewhere. These women are quite content with exactly the life they have chosen: staying married while not having sex.

As to you (for no good reason) bringing up the "rape" word: you have this totally backwards. A husband who pursues sex with his uninterested wife is acting rapey. A husband who finds an interested consenting non-wife partner is NOT being rapey.

Maybe she has told him many times that she is not happy that he's not doing xyz or doing abc, but he's not listening.

Maybe sex isn't important to her, but fidelity and the family unit are, and that's why she doesn't cheat.

Fidelity is not a need, but to say that if the spouse doesn't put out, then fidelity should not be expected is saying that even if you are super angry with the spouse, you should still put out, and just lay there because he will otherwise cheat is kind of rapey.

Maybe if both sides could sit and talk rationally it might help get to the root of the issue. I think for the most part, some of these "cheaters" make very little effort to really work on the marriage, thinking they are the victims and feel they have every right to cheat.

Anonymous wrote:No one is responsible for your actions but yourself. Ever. A wife who doesnt have sex doesn't make you cheat any more than she makes you gamble, use drugs, or hit the children. You alone are responsible for your own actions. If you dont understand that, you have no business being in a relationship. Go ahead and cheat... just dont be surprised whe she dumps your cheating behind when she finds out. You are not a victim. No one is responsible for your choices but YOU.

+1 it's the "she made me do it" excuse. Grow up.

No one is responsible for your actions but yourself. Ever. A wife who doesnt have sex doesn't make you cheat any more than she makes you gamble, use drugs, or hit the children. You alone are responsible for your own actions. If you dont understand that, you have no business being in a relationship. Go ahead and cheat... just dont be surprised whe she dumps your cheating behind when she finds out. You are not a victim. No one is responsible for your choices but YOU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

Mmm, they should also know that mom is frigid too. Gotta tell the whole truth so they don't think you can get married and expect to be roommates.

I remember that my uncle blurted it out to me in front of my aunt. I never blamed him for the demise of the marriage or his cheating. He was sexually frustrated. Of course, the whole encounter was awkward.

It would be strange to do so since this is directly discussing your sex life but it's your call whether this provides a good reason why their family is dissolved. You do you.

It sounds like you have a family reference for how to handle s situations in a marriage and so you that is your goto solution as well (uncle cheating).

Anonymous wrote:Dude. If your wife isnt sleeping with you, there is a reason. Maybe ask her why. If the answer isnt satisfactory or actionable, then you tell her if you can live with it or not.

Btw, sex isnt a need. Go to any high school or college and you'll find literally thousands of involuntarily celibate men. They dont commit crimes, rove around raping women, or generally blame women for their lot in life. The ones that do (like you) have bigger issues in play.

Girl. If you aren't sleeping with your husband, there is a reason. Maybe tell him why. If sex is not important enough for you to clearly (in plain english) tell him your (actionable!) reason, then he is free to go elsewhere... because - by your own choice - sex isn't important, so it is no big deal when he does that unimportant thing elsewhere.

Btw, fidelity isn't a need. Go to any neighborhood block party and you will find thousands of sexless wives whose husbands have saved the marriage by going elsewhere. These women are quite content with exactly the life they have chosen: staying married while not having sex.

As to you (for no good reason) bringing up the "rape" word: you have this totally backwards. A husband who pursues sex with his uninterested wife is acting rapey. A husband who finds an interested consenting non-wife partner is NOT being rapey.

Anonymous wrote:^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

Also they need to learn they can come back from being betrayed by the 1 of 2 people in your life that claim they would take a bullet for you. Plus they need to learn 1 of those 2 people actually would not take a bullet for you.

Dude. If your wife isnt sleeping with you, there is a reason. Maybe ask her why. If the answer isnt satisfactory or actionable, then you tell her if you can live with it or not.

Btw, sex isnt a need. Go to any high school or college and you'll find literally thousands of involuntarily celibate men. They dont commit crimes, rove around raping women, or generally blame women for their lot in life. The ones that do (like you) have bigger issues in play.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

Mmm, they should also know that mom is frigid too. Gotta tell the whole truth so they don't think you can get married and expect to be roommates.

I remember that my uncle blurted it out to me in front of my aunt. I never blamed him for the demise of the marriage or his cheating. He was sexually frustrated. Of course, the whole encounter was awkward.

Ew. Creepy.

Anonymous wrote:^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

Mmm, they should also know that mom is frigid too. Gotta tell the whole truth so they don't think you can get married and expect to be roommates.

I remember that my uncle blurted it out to me in front of my aunt. I never blamed him for the demise of the marriage or his cheating. He was sexually frustrated. Of course, the whole encounter was awkward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one very angry man who weighs in with the "lack of sex equals permission to cheat" argument. Its clear why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. His inability to take ownership of his actions is obtuse. If your wife nags you, you don't get permission to hit her. If she stresses you out, it doesnt imply permission for you to use drugs/alcohol. If she isnt having sex, that isnt permission to cheat. Use your big boy words and say "I need more sex or I am going to find it with someone else. If you arent ok with that, we need to divorce."

There are a whole bunch of angry women who weigh in with the “fidelity is expected even when sexless” argument. It’s clear why their husbands no longer care about their needs and treat them as a room mate. If you don’t want sex, you forfeit the right to vote on opening the marriage. Use your big girl words and get a divorce.

Why are you so bitter? You are still married and are cheating and so should be happy.

^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

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Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.

If my partner cheated, I wouldn’t tell my kids. That is private. I wouldn’t talk to my kids about my sex life if my partner was faithful. No one outside my partner, my doctor and my therapist needs to know what happens in my bedroom.

Amen. I agree 100%

Your kids have a right to know what caused the dissolution of their family.
It’s treating your kids with respect by telling them the truth factually and in age appropriate manner.

Their family doesn’t dissolve because of divorce. It changes. It evolves.

I don’t get why this is so hard to grasp. The details of a divorce shouldn’t be shared. It’s private.

And frankly, it is tacky and immature to drag your children into your drama.

(Not divorced. Not cheating. Seen plenty of good divorces. And a few bad ones...)

I don’t know one kid that did not find out about the cheating. You can play it off that you were maintaining confidentiality but they will feel betrayed by both parents instead of one.

Somebody needs to step up to the plate and bring honesty to their lives and help them work through the hard time instead of ignoring the elephant in the room.