Anonymous
10/25/2019 13:08
Subject: Re:Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told DH to tell his brother and let his brother tell his wife. DH spoke to his brother and his brother does not want to tell his wife. BIL is afraid that if he tells his wife then his mother will out him for continuing to sneak meat. Whenever BIL goes to his parents house without SIL, he will eat meat. Yes, the guy is having an affair with a roast He will also drink a milk shake with a straw while he is there without her.
Straws are a whole other thing with her. Whenever we are at a restaurant with everyone, SIL will make a point of telling the waiter to NOT bring anyone straws. The first time this happened is started a 10 minute debate between FIL/MIL and SIL. FIL/MIL had never heard that straws are bad. FIL wanted a straw and then demanded a straw. Our kids chimed in asking whether they could have straws. SIL responded before I could and told them no-which was rude. FIL snapped that she had no right to deny him or his grandchildren straws and by god damn it they were having straws. SIL got up and left. BIL had to follow. My DH was in the bathroom for this and missed the whole thing. To be fair to SIL, I think she got up and left because FIL was so loud and angry and less about diving on the straw hill. To be to fair to FIL, SIL was very rude and overly bossy about the straw thing.
SIL is not a vegetarian for religious or health reasons. She is very open that she is a vegetarian for environmental reasons. I don't think MIL would do this if she had allergies. We have an extended relative with GF intolerance and MIL is very good in coming up with GF alternatives. MIL is proud of her GF recipes and has shared them with others for this relative .I'm not saying that I agree with what MIL is doing to SIL but I don't think she is a danger to others who have physical reasons for avoiding certain foods.
MIL just thinks that SIL's reasons are not valid. SIL will not ride in a SUV. If we are all going somewhere together, she will not get into MIL/FIL's big SUV or our smaller SUV. She will insist that she and her husband drive separately in their electric car. To MIL this is stupid because everyone can't fit in their electric car and since we are driving the SUV anyways, how does it help the environment for SIL to be riding separately in an electric car?
I try to be a nice person and have never been annoyed at anyone for having special food requests. Our family does do our part for the environment. We turn lights out, always recycle, I cook more from scratch than buying lots of processed or packaged foods, we compost, we plant trees, and I don't buy straws for home so I am not anti-environmental. `I will fully admit though that my weaknesses are being a coward where interpersonal drama is involved and guilt. So now I am between both. I feel I have done my duty in having DH tell his brother but since his brother will not say anything now I will have to sit through every future family meal knowing that MIL is lying to SIL or dealing with the wrath of both of them.
While it isn't the most popular opinion, I think I will just go with the MYOB posters and not say anything.
Wow. That family is crazy. Your BIL is incapable of standing up to both his wife and mother.
Not telling SIL would weigh on my conscience regardless of how annoying or unpleasant she may be. But you do you.
Sounds like he does not want to mess with crazy. He lives with her, he knows best.
SIL can be crazy as all get out. It still doesn't make continual lying to her by everyone in this family ok.
Her reasons are irrelevant. You do not get to make those decisions for her and lie to her about it. I personally find the folks who can't be bothered to make any sort of informed choices about what they put in their bodies to be not making valid choices. But, you don't see me forcing my food choices down their throats through lying or deception.
And honestly, your SIL isn't wrong. While I wouldn't be as blunt about it, she's 100% right. Your FIL, on the other hand, sounds like an outright ass. But, regardless, neither he nor anyone else should be disrespecting her diet choices. Regardless of the reason.
With all due respect, SIL cannot control food prep outside of her home. Whether it's due to a mistake, carelessness, not knowing/remembering I can guarantee you she is getting animal byproducts in many meals consumed outside of home. This may be the only time I will say go MIL. Your SIL sounds uppity and highly controlling, yikes.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:45
Subject: Re:Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:And honestly, your SIL isn't wrong. While I wouldn't be as blunt about it, she's 100% right.
Wait what?? How is the SIL 100% right??
Its fine for her to not use straws but to announce that no on else at the table should get a straw and then argue with everyone about it is ridiculous. Demanding to drive separately because you won't get into an SUV is making a statement not being an environmentalist. It is perfectly fine if you wish to make these choices but its wrong to constantly force them on others.
I have a cousin like this. She will volunteer to bring the paper plates and utensils to a potluck, She will show up with boxes of actual plates and silverware so now there are a ton of dishes to do after the potluck .She insisted on signing up to bring the burgers which the host thought was odd but didn't question her in advance. Cousin only brought plant based veggie burgers.
Ok, I'll engage the deflection. Her positions re: environmentalism are right. There is a reason other countries and some areas in the US are getting rid of single use plastics. Similarly, riding in SUVs are environmentally damaging. She may be annoying, a hypocrite, wrong in how she approaches the issues, etc. That doesn't mean she's wrong on the principle.
But that is neither here nor there. By not disclosing the mean in the dishes, OP and her inlaws ARE in fact "forcing it on others." Since you seem to acknowledge how horrendous that is, then you will agree OP needs to fess up immediately.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:42
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Essentially what you are saying is that MIL and BIL requiring OP to be complicit in a lie that everyone recognizes SIL will be upset about when - not if, but when - it is discovered. I don't know how you conduct your life, but if I was OP, I would be pretty annoyed that I was being made to go along with the lie. I value honesty and if someone asks me to lie, I cannot trust their honesty anymore. It would color my entire relationship with them. In fact, the reality that SIL will be very upset would make me LESS comfortable with going along with the lie. It is clearly important to her, and her husband and MIL are essentially saying that what is important to her does not matter to them. Even if she is a piece of work (which she sounds like she is with the won't ride in SUVs and thinks straws are evil), it is not in any way acceptable or ethical to disregard her values in this way. I think that the lot of you who are saying that it's not OP's responsibility are overlooking the reality that MIL made it OP's responsibility when she instructed OP to lie. At that point, OP had a choice: be a liar or be truthful.
You guys are telling OP basically that it's okay for her to lie because SIL is unlikeable.
You must be posting over and over because you keep using complicit. Are you the same person?
No, Nancy Drew. I'm a DP and used it in a different post from whoever else is also using it.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:38
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Essentially what you are saying is that MIL and BIL requiring OP to be complicit in a lie that everyone recognizes SIL will be upset about when - not if, but when - it is discovered. I don't know how you conduct your life, but if I was OP, I would be pretty annoyed that I was being made to go along with the lie. I value honesty and if someone asks me to lie, I cannot trust their honesty anymore. It would color my entire relationship with them. In fact, the reality that SIL will be very upset would make me LESS comfortable with going along with the lie. It is clearly important to her, and her husband and MIL are essentially saying that what is important to her does not matter to them. Even if she is a piece of work (which she sounds like she is with the won't ride in SUVs and thinks straws are evil), it is not in any way acceptable or ethical to disregard her values in this way. I think that the lot of you who are saying that it's not OP's responsibility are overlooking the reality that MIL made it OP's responsibility when she instructed OP to lie. At that point, OP had a choice: be a liar or be truthful.
You guys are telling OP basically that it's okay for her to lie because SIL is unlikeable.
You must be posting over and over because you keep using complicit. Are you the same person?
I posted yesterday, but not today. I didn't post the above "complicit." It's not an uncommon word. Is there a word you would prefer that means the same thing?
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:22
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Essentially what you are saying is that MIL and BIL requiring OP to be complicit in a lie that everyone recognizes SIL will be upset about when - not if, but when - it is discovered. I don't know how you conduct your life, but if I was OP, I would be pretty annoyed that I was being made to go along with the lie. I value honesty and if someone asks me to lie, I cannot trust their honesty anymore. It would color my entire relationship with them. In fact, the reality that SIL will be very upset would make me LESS comfortable with going along with the lie. It is clearly important to her, and her husband and MIL are essentially saying that what is important to her does not matter to them. Even if she is a piece of work (which she sounds like she is with the won't ride in SUVs and thinks straws are evil), it is not in any way acceptable or ethical to disregard her values in this way. I think that the lot of you who are saying that it's not OP's responsibility are overlooking the reality that MIL made it OP's responsibility when she instructed OP to lie. At that point, OP had a choice: be a liar or be truthful.
You guys are telling OP basically that it's okay for her to lie because SIL is unlikeable.
You must be posting over and over because you keep using complicit. Are you the same person?
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:19
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
OP, I think you could avoid telling SIL about what she's already eaten. What's done is done, and not much good will come of that. I do think, however, that you should talk with MIL before the next family gathering and explain that you are not comfortable being complicit in feeding meat-products to a vegetarian. Volunteer to bring something else, or have BIL work with SIL so that they bring something assuredly vegetarian for themselves.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 12:03
Subject: Re:Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
And honestly, your SIL isn't wrong. While I wouldn't be as blunt about it, she's 100% right.
Wait what?? How is the SIL 100% right??
Its fine for her to not use straws but to announce that no on else at the table should get a straw and then argue with everyone about it is ridiculous. Demanding to drive separately because you won't get into an SUV is making a statement not being an environmentalist. It is perfectly fine if you wish to make these choices but its wrong to constantly force them on others.
I have a cousin like this. She will volunteer to bring the paper plates and utensils to a potluck, She will show up with boxes of actual plates and silverware so now there are a ton of dishes to do after the potluck .She insisted on signing up to bring the burgers which the host thought was odd but didn't question her in advance. Cousin only brought plant based veggie burgers.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 10:20
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Essentially what you are saying is that MIL and BIL requiring OP to be complicit in a lie that everyone recognizes SIL will be upset about when - not if, but when - it is discovered. I don't know how you conduct your life, but if I was OP, I would be pretty annoyed that I was being made to go along with the lie. I value honesty and if someone asks me to lie, I cannot trust their honesty anymore. It would color my entire relationship with them. In fact, the reality that SIL will be very upset would make me LESS comfortable with going along with the lie. It is clearly important to her, and her husband and MIL are essentially saying that what is important to her does not matter to them. Even if she is a piece of work (which she sounds like she is with the won't ride in SUVs and thinks straws are evil), it is not in any way acceptable or ethical to disregard her values in this way. I think that the lot of you who are saying that it's not OP's responsibility are overlooking the reality that MIL made it OP's responsibility when she instructed OP to lie. At that point, OP had a choice: be a liar or be truthful.
You guys are telling OP basically that it's okay for her to lie because SIL is unlikeable.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 10:08
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
BIL doesn't get to tell OP what to do in this situation. He is not her superior and his wife is not a minor child that he is responsible for. Give me a break.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 10:06
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Maybe if you tell your SIL about the shitty things MIL is doing to her behind her back, she’ll then tell you about all the shitty things MIL is doing to YOU behind your back.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 10:00
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Is there some statutory hierarchy in place that requires someone to go through their spouse here? No.
You're either a decent person or your not. NOT telling her is not decent. You're an awful person.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 09:57
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!
I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?
What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?
Anonymous
10/25/2019 09:55
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I would tell SIL as soon as possible and apologize profusely for not alerting her to this issue as soon as I found out about it. MIL can live with the consequences.
But it's not just MIL living with the consequences. It's OP, OP's husband, BIL, SIL and any kids who have to live with the consequences. Chances are good that MIL is awful enough in other respects that there isn't a decent relationship anyway, but if there is any kind of relationship, it could take years to recover. And for what? It could even be the case that SIL would rather not know (like some spouses would rather not know that their spouse had a one night stand -- another thing I would not feel compelled to tell people if I happened to find out, btw, but I guess DCUMers would feel it is their duty to butt into everyone's lives).
The amount of self-serving explanations to justify lying to someone is off.the.charts. You're a coward. Plain and simple. And complicit in deception.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 09:54
Subject: Re:Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told DH to tell his brother and let his brother tell his wife. DH spoke to his brother and his brother does not want to tell his wife. BIL is afraid that if he tells his wife then his mother will out him for continuing to sneak meat. Whenever BIL goes to his parents house without SIL, he will eat meat. Yes, the guy is having an affair with a roast He will also drink a milk shake with a straw while he is there without her.
Straws are a whole other thing with her. Whenever we are at a restaurant with everyone, SIL will make a point of telling the waiter to NOT bring anyone straws. The first time this happened is started a 10 minute debate between FIL/MIL and SIL. FIL/MIL had never heard that straws are bad. FIL wanted a straw and then demanded a straw. Our kids chimed in asking whether they could have straws. SIL responded before I could and told them no-which was rude. FIL snapped that she had no right to deny him or his grandchildren straws and by god damn it they were having straws. SIL got up and left. BIL had to follow. My DH was in the bathroom for this and missed the whole thing. To be fair to SIL, I think she got up and left because FIL was so loud and angry and less about diving on the straw hill. To be to fair to FIL, SIL was very rude and overly bossy about the straw thing.
SIL is not a vegetarian for religious or health reasons. She is very open that she is a vegetarian for environmental reasons. I don't think MIL would do this if she had allergies. We have an extended relative with GF intolerance and MIL is very good in coming up with GF alternatives. MIL is proud of her GF recipes and has shared them with others for this relative .I'm not saying that I agree with what MIL is doing to SIL but I don't think she is a danger to others who have physical reasons for avoiding certain foods.
MIL just thinks that SIL's reasons are not valid. SIL will not ride in a SUV. If we are all going somewhere together, she will not get into MIL/FIL's big SUV or our smaller SUV. She will insist that she and her husband drive separately in their electric car. To MIL this is stupid because everyone can't fit in their electric car and since we are driving the SUV anyways, how does it help the environment for SIL to be riding separately in an electric car?
I try to be a nice person and have never been annoyed at anyone for having special food requests. Our family does do our part for the environment. We turn lights out, always recycle, I cook more from scratch than buying lots of processed or packaged foods, we compost, we plant trees, and I don't buy straws for home so I am not anti-environmental. `I will fully admit though that my weaknesses are being a coward where interpersonal drama is involved and guilt. So now I am between both. I feel I have done my duty in having DH tell his brother but since his brother will not say anything now I will have to sit through every future family meal knowing that MIL is lying to SIL or dealing with the wrath of both of them.
While it isn't the most popular opinion, I think I will just go with the MYOB posters and not say anything.
Wow. That family is crazy. Your BIL is incapable of standing up to both his wife and mother.
Not telling SIL would weigh on my conscience regardless of how annoying or unpleasant she may be. But you do you.
Sounds like he does not want to mess with crazy. He lives with her, he knows best.
SIL can be crazy as all get out. It still doesn't make continual lying to her by everyone in this family ok.
Her reasons are irrelevant. You do not get to make those decisions for her and lie to her about it. I personally find the folks who can't be bothered to make any sort of informed choices about what they put in their bodies to be not making valid choices. But, you don't see me forcing my food choices down their throats through lying or deception.
And honestly, your SIL isn't wrong. While I wouldn't be as blunt about it, she's 100% right. Your FIL, on the other hand, sounds like an outright ass. But, regardless, neither he nor anyone else should be disrespecting her diet choices. Regardless of the reason.
Anonymous
10/25/2019 09:54
Subject: Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?
Yikes OP your SIL in a spoiled brat SJW. She seems impossibly bossy and attention seeking. I agree MYOB because she’s going to make the scene from h!