A lot of marriage is luck. You can have great sex, same values & bamm your child dies. My guess is that a lot of happy marriages are very supported ($$) and no real drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

+1.

I love my DH and kids. They make me happy. One thing is that DH and I are matched people...our goals, value systems and life principles are the same. We also have a good sex life and that is a key. There were time periods when we were studying, or had travelling jobs, or kids were little...that life was hard and exhausting....but it was always better to have my DH with me to face things. Life ebbs and flows ...but to have a spouse that is with you, connected in so many ways is absolutely wonderful.

None of what you wrote sounds like a will-power based "choice." It sounds like you're a person with low neuroticism and anxiety, who married someone similar.

DH and I dated each other for 5 years, in which 3 years he was deployed in a dangerous place. We waited for 4 more years after we were married until both of us were absolutely sure that we wanted to have kids. Some of them were absolutely choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Ok, I'd like you to make the choice not to be an ignorant a-hole, then.

Ouch, did I hit a nerve? So sorry!

Again, can you choose not to be a d*ck? Something is driving you to hector unhappy people online into believing that they are at fault for their unhappiness. Sounds like a HUGE character flaw on your part that you should CHOOSE to change.

Not PP but yeah, most of y’all ARE responsible for your unhappiness. This is your exact problem: you refuse to acknowledge your part in it/control over it. It’s apparently easier to just blame everything around you and be a victim. Sad and pathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Ok, I'd like you to make the choice not to be an ignorant a-hole, then.

Ouch, did I hit a nerve? So sorry!

Again, can you choose not to be a d*ck? Something is driving you to hector unhappy people online into believing that they are at fault for their unhappiness. Sounds like a HUGE character flaw on your part that you should CHOOSE to change.

It’s not hectoring to point out that you chose your husband and you can choose to be happy with the person you chose or you can choose to look at him as a problem. You are the one who brought nasty language into it and I could easily report your post but I’ll respond.

Some people have legitimately bad spouses who cheat, abuse them, etc., and in that case you need to leave. Sometimes life does throw big curve balls like job loss or illness, but those aren’t marriage problems. But choosing to stay with someone and being unhappy about it, that’s your choice. You liked something about this person- focus on that. It is all about choices. I say that as someone who did focus on everything negative about my spouse and have had catastrophic events during the marriage. But when DH and I decided we were the most important thing to one another we are better able to weather those storms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Ok, I'd like you to make the choice not to be an ignorant a-hole, then.

Ouch, did I hit a nerve? So sorry!

Again, can you choose not to be a d*ck? Something is driving you to hector unhappy people online into believing that they are at fault for their unhappiness. Sounds like a HUGE character flaw on your part that you should CHOOSE to change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

+1.

I love my DH and kids. They make me happy. One thing is that DH and I are matched people...our goals, value systems and life principles are the same. We also have a good sex life and that is a key. There were time periods when we were studying, or had travelling jobs, or kids were little...that life was hard and exhausting....but it was always better to have my DH with me to face things. Life ebbs and flows ...but to have a spouse that is with you, connected in so many ways is absolutely wonderful.

None of what you wrote sounds like a will-power based "choice." It sounds like you're a person with low neuroticism and anxiety, who married someone similar.

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

+1.

I love my DH and kids. They make me happy. One thing is that DH and I are matched people...our goals, value systems and life principles are the same. We also have a good sex life and that is a key. There were time periods when we were studying, or had travelling jobs, or kids were little...that life was hard and exhausting....but it was always better to have my DH with me to face things. Life ebbs and flows ...but to have a spouse that is with you, connected in so many ways is absolutely wonderful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

My DH isn't quite so extreme, but he likes to start complaining about how much money we make, the size of our house, when the kids (2 and 4) are cranky/difficult, etc. We left high paying careers for jobs that we like more, but he looks at our friends and is very jealous of their lifestyles and houses. We have two amazing young kids, a small but cute house, decent commutes, reasonable sex life (1 -2x a week), etc. It's a total bummer for me to think that things are good and then to hear him complain and be totally dissatisfied. I get it, PP.

I get it, too. I look around and think how much we have to be grateful for, but he is never satisfied. It is so frustrating.

This is my husband to a T. He wants something, we get it, and he's still not happy. On the surface we appear to have so much, but he's miserable because it's never enough or something could be better.

Sounds the husbands behaving this way are narcissists. PPs who are dealing with this should research narcissistic behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Ok, I'd like you to make the choice not to be an ignorant a-hole, then.

Ouch, did I hit a nerve? So sorry!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Ok, I'd like you to make the choice not to be an ignorant a-hole, then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

It is choices... some of you made a choice to marry a man without considering... is this a decent guy? Will he help me in the home? Does he have good relationships? Does he manage his money well? Is his family sane? Is his spiritual life ok? Does he care about his career, but not so much it will overwhelm us?

Those choices are what lead to a low stress marriage.

No, you liked the guy, the sex was good, he made good money, and you married him without considering everything that marriage is, and now you’re not happy. Tough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

It's still bullshit though. Just because you do not have kids, doesn't mean that your marriage doesn't go through extreme strain. Hell, the fact that there aren't kids is often the source the the strain. It's completely tone deaf to say that you aren't married until you have kids.

Anyone who thinks this or has the balls to say it aloud (even on a message board) SUCKS as a person.

Wow. Anyone that overreacts to something this much on DCUM has some issues.

You’re both right. And I have firsthand exp that young children will absolutely test a person and a marriage. Sure disease, elderly parent care, adultery, financial issues can too. But for those people who think raising a child and managing a household of more than 2 is easy should think again.

I’d challenge anyone to live with and have to depend on my Ex to get things done and then turn around and say it’s all about perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

Right ... it's all just "emotional choices." sounds like you should become a therapist, since you've figured out that it's so easy.

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I love my boyfriend so much and I'm looking forward to marriage but this makes me wonder what the point is.

Oh, don’t listen to the unhappy harpies. Most of us are very happy with our life partners and live a great life.
Marry a decent person, be kind to them and go have a nice life. Enjoy.