Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you are struggling. I wish you the best.

Also, I'm going to say this bluntly, but hopefully gently as possible: handling things this way makes you a poorly functioning employee and a bad fit for this company at this time. To be clear, it's not the situation you are in (deployment, etc.) that makes you a poor employee, and it's not the idea of making that situation clear, as a regular adult would. It's the way you are choosing to handle it.

And yes, I know you have had a hard time and feel you have been treated poorly. Honestly, that doesn't matter to being good in your position -- it's your choices that are relevant to the fit, not the reasons for them.

But this is something you can change, if you find a way to tackle this in a way that hos the possibility of working out for everyone. Your therapist hopefully can help.

Good luck.

Yes. I know I'm a bad fit. So why would I continue working on at a company where I can't meet the requirements? They can replace me with someone who has no home life and no schedule conflicts.

Anonymous wrote:“Hey deployed spouse. Not to stress you out or anything. But we are going to have to live on just your salary because it was better that I don’t tell people about our personal problems and your deployment. So it was best that I quit my job rather than reaching out for help. “

I think there's a bit of stereotyping going on here. I don't need to work, financially. DH tells me this all the time. - says I'd have a better chance of making friends if I didn't have a set schedule.

Satellite phone. <mic drop>

OP, didn’t you post a few months ago before you all moved to this remote location with some similar work/life issue? I remember pages of suggestions and a million excuses why none of them would work.

This thread is BONKERS. OP, people have given you so many good suggestions, the best of which is to open your mouth and tell your boss what's going on.

Wait OP you teleworked for 14 years? And now you are afraid to ask to join a weekly 30 minute meeting remotely? I would think this history supports your case as you were able to be effective out of the office for so long. This meeting is such a little ask in comparison. I think refusing to tell your boss you need this because it's "personal" is really unreasonable. It would be like refusing to tell your boss you need maternity leave or sick leave because those are "personal." Life does impact work occasionally.

OP, I know you are struggling. I wish you the best.

Also, I'm going to say this bluntly, but hopefully gently as possible: handling things this way makes you a poorly functioning employee and a bad fit for this company at this time. To be clear, it's not the situation you are in (deployment, etc.) that makes you a poor employee, and it's not the idea of making that situation clear, as a regular adult would. It's the way you are choosing to handle it.

And yes, I know you have had a hard time and feel you have been treated poorly. Honestly, that doesn't matter to being good in your position -- it's your choices that are relevant to the fit, not the reasons for them.

But this is something you can change, if you find a way to tackle this in a way that hos the possibility of working out for everyone. Your therapist hopefully can help.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move kid drop off and do the phone call at home?

Drop-off is a 15 minute window during the call. If I had cell phone reception all the way home, I could do it, but the reception drops 10 minutes out, so there's a gap in connectivity. With all companies, unfortunately.

How old are your kids? Is there a school bus option?

She's only 5. DH isn't cool with the bus yet (and I agree).

Ok, my sympathy is fully at an ebb now.

You have shot down every suggestion made and are now self-inflicting this pain. Your kid can ride the bus ONE day a week if absolutely won't speak up and say that 0700 is a conflict. She will be fine, I promise.

It's a ridiculous ask, unless this is some project sprint or something. And there are 20 people? There's no way this is crucial.

Frankly, your manager is probably going to feel like a huge jerk when she realizes that she told you to "make it work" with a deployed spouse and 5 year old.

As a manager, I would be APPALLED if this were the situation and I didn't know about it and someone quit because of one meeting! I work in a super demanding job where we will often be on 7am calls with London and 10pm calls with Tokyo. There is always a workaround. There have been many great suggestions, but this ultimately comes down to OP voicing her concerns. Any reasonable person would try to find something that worked better for the team and took into account people's personal lives to the extent that was possible. OP is overcomplicating this; this is the OCD talking, OP.
I've let people out of meetings for like, alumni events they had previously scheduled. I've also had to deal with employees who have had to toss me the ball and leave for weeks at a time because of important things like suicide attempts in the family. It's a manager's job to manage. Period, end of story. They're crap to begin with if team success is dictated by an hr long meeting and the attendance of one person, time of meeting inflexible. Tell them the situation and let them work it out and come up with the plan. By not voicing your concerns it's not even on their radar.

Anonymous wrote:OK. So it looks like I can't do this alone. Not without letting someone in on personal stuff, and that's just not acceptable. Sorry I asked.

OP, just to show you how disordered your thinking is, look at the rules for FMLA. There is a federal law that protects families like yours from discrimination over needing allowances for a deployment. You really need to read this. It says exactly why there are laws, because families exactly like yours are facing problems every day because a family member, like your husband, are doing their duty to our nation, protecting our rights and freedoms. And we, as a nation, owe him the responsibility to take care of his family while he is deployed.

You need to read the guide. Childcare and schooling for the deployed family member's children is so important that a section of the Family Medical Leave Act was written specifically to discuss how employers are expected to make allowances for the dependants of deployed military. So, you really should not consider this as letting someone in on personal stuff, but that you are using protections for your family that were written into law to protect the family of deployed military. You are actually helping your employer follow the law in this instance. Your employer is large enough that they are expected to make allowances for the family of a deployed soldier. They can't do this if you won't disclose that your spouse is actually deployed. Your husband deserves the protections in the law without you having to sacrifice part of your family income over this issue. Talk to your boss and let him know that your husband is deployed and that means that you cannot make the new meeting time until the end of the school year.

https://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/2013rule/fmla_military_guide_english.pdf

From the guide:

Military families can find themselves facing great challenges. Caring for an injured service member, arranging for alternative childcare when a spouse is deployed to a foreign country, or attending arrival ceremonies when a loved one returns from a deployment may present family members with difficult decisions about time spent at work versus with family.

If your spouse, parent, son or daughter is a military member who is deployed or has been notified of an impending deployment to a foreign country, and you work for a covered employer and are an eligible employee, you may be entitled to qualifying exigency leave. Qualifying exigency leave allows you to take up to a total of 12 work weeks of FMLA leave for qualifying exigencies, such as making different day care arrangements for the military member’s children or attending official military ceremonies as your family member prepares to deploy. See page 4 for more information on qualifying exigency leave under the FMLA.

Qualifying Exigency Leave
To address certain childcare and related activities concerning the military member’s child that arise from the military member’s covered active duty. These could include arranging for alternative childcare; providing childcare on a non-routine, urgent, immediate need basis; enrolling in or transferring a child to a new school or day care facility; and attending certain meetings at a school or a day care facility. This provision allows for the arrangement of alternative childcare. It does not allow you to take leave for routine childcare, such as to become the primary caregiver while the military member is on covered active duty. [/b]

What's funny is that because the Europeans just want to leave work a little early and OP refuses to speak up for herself, she will quit. Even though she claims that the mere idea of affecting her colleagues makes her feel I'll, but she is to blind to see that other's actions impact her. Also, quitting will affect them more than asking to move meeting half hour.

Speak up for yourself OP.

Anonymous wrote:“Hey deployed spouse. Not to stress you out or anything. But we are going to have to live on just your salary because it was better that I don’t tell people about our personal problems and your deployment. So it was best that I quit my job rather than reaching out for help. “

I'd go even further - this isn't a "personal problem." It's a scheduling conflict, which is a thing many, many people have. And most of them don't go so far as to think about quitting their jobs before they figure out a totally workable solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there cell reception at your DD's school? If so I would just get there early and have her get out of the car at the start of carline and then park until the meeting is over.

Have you called the school to see about before care options?

This is a great idea, or get out of your neighborhood and to school early and let her watch a show with headphones or something.

People have given you plenty of good suggestions! Plus, seems like she could just take the bus. I think you’d rather be the martyr.

It's pretty obnoxious to insist that a 5 year old should "just" take the bus when that's never happened before, obviously mom is uncomfortable with it, her father is also uncomfortable with it and is deployed. Just because her boss wants to have a meeting at a random time outside of work hours suddenly. It's not like the family doesn't have enough stress.

Ugh. No it is not. Obviously you don't just wake her up tomorrow and tell her she's taking the bus, but this is the hugely obvious solution. Small children ride school buses every day of the week in America and 99.999999999% are just fine. You could even *gasp* ask that she sit near the front of the bus.

“Hey deployed spouse. Not to stress you out or anything. But we are going to have to live on just your salary because it was better that I don’t tell people about our personal problems and your deployment. So it was best that I quit my job rather than reaching out for help. “

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move kid drop off and do the phone call at home?

Drop-off is a 15 minute window during the call. If I had cell phone reception all the way home, I could do it, but the reception drops 10 minutes out, so there's a gap in connectivity. With all companies, unfortunately.

How old are your kids? Is there a school bus option?

She's only 5. DH isn't cool with the bus yet (and I agree).

Ok, my sympathy is fully at an ebb now.

You have shot down every suggestion made and are now self-inflicting this pain. Your kid can ride the bus ONE day a week if absolutely won't speak up and say that 0700 is a conflict. She will be fine, I promise.

It's a ridiculous ask, unless this is some project sprint or something. And there are 20 people? There's no way this is crucial.

Frankly, your manager is probably going to feel like a huge jerk when she realizes that she told you to "make it work" with a deployed spouse and 5 year old.

So you came here to find some magical incantation so you can both drop off and attend the meeting at the same time. You need to get into therapy to figure out why you don’t want to reach out to people for help.

You can’t do both. So you either need to reach out to school/friends to help out with drop of. OR you reach out at work and tell them the current constraints you are under. Pick one.

And if DH is deployed, isn’t there a military spouses group that can help you?