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Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

Maybe she would have, if she'd known you were habing an affair. Why stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? To make your life easier?

But the thing is is that women who have great sex partners don’t stop wanting to have sex at any age.,

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Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

NP. This also happened to me. Spouse denied. I played detective. Spouse then acknowledged something but lied some more. I played detective some more, and found out spouse was lying. I kicked spouse out of house and have full custody of our children, who, because lying is corrosive to all relationships, have little respect for him even though they don't know about his cheating and lying vis-a-vis me.

I'm sure my now exDH thought he got away with it. It did take about 2 years to unravel fully. It's really sad that he lied when confronted - for me, because he wasted 2 years of my life and caused me even further pain; for him, because I was willing to reconcile, and further lying really killed that, and meant that he lived those two years with a sword of Damocles over his head, which was very anxiety provoking for him, and then the shock of having lost everything.

You might think you've gotten away with it, but you have no idea what your wife knows or doesn't know. She may leave you tomorrow or 10 years from now when the kids are grown.

Also, BTW, your pathologically sick for preferring to gaslight your wife (" I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen") than to accept any consequences from your own behavior (cheating). The fact that you stated that preference so clearly is really messed up. Hope you are in therapy and striving to be honest and make amends one day, but somehow I don't think that is the case.

You sound like a psycho. Who takes full custody because of cheating?!

Signed,
DW whose husband cheated

FWIW, I did not “take” full custody. I offered 50/50 and exDH chose never to pursue custody - he has never so much as bought an air mattress for his kids, let alone invited them for regular overnights. I, however, have continued to host him in my home 2-3 times a week to have dinner and visit with the kids. I have led the horse to water, but I cannot make him drink.

So, I am definitely not the psycho, but thanks for trying to bully me.

FWIW, the same traits that lead a person to cheat - lying, lack of self-honesty, inability to empathize with others, inability to put others first, inability to communicate, inability to negotiate confluct - also often lead cheaters to be bad parents. So it was in our case. However, I say “often” not “always”. I do believe that some small percentage of cheaters are changed by the experience and tell the truth and learn some of these skills, even if my exDH did not.

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Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

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Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

Maybe she would have, if she'd known you were habing an affair. Why stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? To make your life easier?

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NP here. I think the reasons you cite ... "it felt good" "It made me feel young" and most importantly, "I wanted to step away from real life, this husband, and challenging children and have some uncomplicated, selfish me time ..." resonate with me. I have excuses, of course. I have some resentment directed at my husband for action/behavior that let me and our family down. I'm still married, but shouldn't be. I'm still married, but not a loving wife. I'm still married and faking it much of the time. Husband is a fine person. No plans to divorce. Hoping I'll curl out of the U-curve of unhappiness and discontent soon.

Whatever you do, please model respect towards your DH. I lived in a home that the two people showed in little tiny ways just how much contempt they had for each other. It really f-ed my up. Yes, my parents stayed together, but it still damaged me. The goal isn't to have an intact family. It's to have a happy loving intact family. I would suggest reading some John Gottman books. Maybe even go to a weekend workshop (given by Gottman trained therapists). Your children deserve to see two parents who love and respect each other.

There is plenty of overt respect. We work well together as a team and don't share any discontent and definitely don't trash talk each other. Yes, we are intimate.

I just don't feel it is real.

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Anonymous wrote:I want to know if you cheated,

I did.

Anonymous wrote:stay married,

We did.

Anonymous wrote:how much do you still miss

I do, quite a bit, and we are still seeing each other, albeit less frequently.

Anonymous wrote:or fantasize about your AP.

Whenever I have sex with my spouse, or masturbate (for the most part)

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Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

Why? They have a valid point. If she has sex she'll never know if he's cheating, and passing along a serious STD. It's a big risk, not to mention it's already destroyed so much.

+1 agreed. When people think about cheating, they only think about the relationship aspect. However, there are so many other issues at play. STDs, as PP mentioned, which can cause lifelong damage and harm the fetus of a pregnant woman, etc. Financial infidelity often occurs hand and hand and can destroy the innocent spouse's future. The list goes on and on and on.

Our friend died of HPV throat cancer age 43. We still talk about him. He had a masters degree, but for some reason married the bartender that was very pretty BUT promiscuous. I had her number right away, but never thought about deadly STDs. I have zero doubt she gave it to him. Now she's dating and found a boyfriend. It's something people won't talk about, nor will you see ads on TV etc. but it's out there. My other friends son-in-law died the same way. His ex gave it to him. I never knew anything about it until our friend died.

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Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

Why? They have a valid point. If she has sex she'll never know if he's cheating, and passing along a serious STD. It's a big risk, not to mention it's already destroyed so much.

+1 agreed. When people think about cheating, they only think about the relationship aspect. However, there are so many other issues at play. STDs, as PP mentioned, which can cause lifelong damage and harm the fetus of a pregnant woman, etc. Financial infidelity often occurs hand and hand and can destroy the innocent spouse's future. The list goes on and on and on.

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Anonymous wrote:I want to know if you cheated,

I did.

Anonymous wrote:stay married,

We did.

Anonymous wrote:how much do you still miss

I do, quite a bit, and we are still seeing each other, albeit less frequently.

Anonymous wrote:or fantasize about your AP.

Whenever I have sex with my spouse, or masturbate (for the most part)

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Anonymous wrote:I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

You are not and never will be happily married. Don't kid yourself and don't assume he doesn't know.

LOL maybe I wasn't clear. We were happy for most of the 25 years and he doesn't know.

You wouldn't have gotten divorced if it was a happy marriage!

Let me tell you, people catch deceitful people one way or another. If you're a cheater no doubt you're a liar and cheater in other areas as well.

The fact you believe not getting caught was essential shows the kind of person you are.

It wasn't that happy the last five years and I wasn't cheating then. But I'm very happily divorced and have been for years. I am not a liar or a cheater in other areas. I don't really care what kind of person you think I am but I do care what kind of person my ex thinks I am and he and I are good FRIENDS! You are really very smug and self-righteous. I stand by what I said, if you want to stay married hope like hell they never find out. That means your dalliance didn't cause them immeasurable pain and heartache. And by the way, my cheating consisted of a ONS and a three night fling, not a long term affair. You really don't know everything you know.

Anonymous wrote:I want to know if you cheated,

Anonymous wrote:stay married,

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Anonymous wrote:or fantasize about your AP.

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Anonymous wrote:If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

I had an emotional affair. Went to marriage counseling. He pointed out to my spouse that I had been emotionally abandoned by her long before and what did she expect?

She probably expected what any rational adult human would expect: that you use your words and talk about the issue directly, and seek counseling if needed. Instead you chose the dishonest loser route.

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Anonymous wrote:If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

I had an emotional affair. Went to marriage counseling. He pointed out to my spouse that I had been emotionally abandoned by her long before and what did she expect?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

I had an emotional affair. Went to marriage counseling. He pointed out to my spouse that I had been emotionally abandoned by her long before and what did she expect?