Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs now only care about the kids.

But they have never asked me about my career or job much. Even though I’m c-level now. It started early: I’d be at dinner with 10 years of exp in xyz and they’d ask my now-husband’s grad school roommate about it but never me!

Now I don’t care what they think about me or anything.

I'm not going to out myself because there are not many women in IT, but all I will say is that I am also C level. There is nothing more I hate than talking about work when I'm not at work. The second I close my computer my job completely melts away and there is nothing more relaxing than being mentally present with friends and family.

To each their own, but a lot of people are very curious about my job and ask a lot of questions and sometimes i just have to cut them off. I'm very grateful that my inlaws are not enamored with my job. I'd much rather talk about my kids. Heck, I'd rather talk about my MILs health problems all day before my job.

That’s kind of industry specific in your case— hey, can you check this out and fix my computer?

No.

Geography
Money
Travel styles
Divorces (ie we have FOUR sets of grandparents so Grow Up OP)
Familiarity with each other
Expectations of their role
Culture

All contribute

Anonymous wrote:Definitely!!! In my experience and from what I see- daughters need more help than sons and their moms step in to help constantly. Because sons don’t seem to need help, their moms just sit back and don’t ask or help. My mil is local, but we fly my mom in all the time when shit hits the fan. Dh is normally gone on business trips and I work too. Mil helps her daughters family.

We were sick last weekend when it snowed. My mil asked and I said we were sick. Instead of saying she hopes the kids get better, she tells us to make sure to send her snow pics to share with her friends.

You are so stupid and wrong.

Sons just cannot ask for help / won't, and everything falls on the women, and the MIL won't admit that their precious perfect boy could ever need help. Plus the woman is doing everything. The man needs WAY more help than the female

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known my ILs for going on 20 years.

They, in that time, can’t even remember basic facts about me, like my only sibling’s name or the fact that I have acid reflux disease and can’t eat spicy food.

They only have sons and they trash talk my BIL’s wife whenever they visit us, so I can only imagine what they say about me to them.

Their casual careless attitude toward ever learning anything about me extends to our children. They are only interested in our kids if one has accomplished something they perceive to brag-worthy. For years they’ve decided our daughter is a girly girl pink loving princess, when in fact she doesn’t like nail polish, pick, glitter, etc. But in their heads, she does and as a result, she’s now picked up on the fact that they know nothing about her either.

If my H doesn’t make an effort with them I’m certainly not, they’ve shown time and again that I’m not family to them.

This could be me!

My MIL can’t be bothered to remember basic things about me. My mother is going through cancer treatment and she hasn’t once asked me how she is doing. That was the kicker. I’m done with this self-centered woman. I pretend to me more interested in people I meet waiting in line at the grocery store than MIL pretends to care about me.

For healthy relationships, this is not true. But all the relationships need to be healthy (the son and his wife, his mother, and any other siblings of that son).

My mother is equally close to all of her grandchildren, regardless if the kids are her daughter's or her son's. But she has worked very hard at being the perfect grandmother. Someone is who self-sufficient, flexible, and able to see ways she can be helpful and just do what's helpful without waiting for permission. She was a working mother with three young kids and she totally remember how HARD shit was. She gets it. And she's made her self invaluable to her grandkids. The ones that live out of state (my brother's kids) she plans visit around every school break. Why? Because that's she knows they need help. If they are covered for a school break, she'll come down for a weekend visit. She lands, she goes to the grocery store, she picks up the kids and she MAKES DINNER. My brother's wife adores her! Why? Because my mom goes out of her way to make their life easier, not harder.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs now only care about the kids.

But they have never asked me about my career or job much. Even though I’m c-level now. It started early: I’d be at dinner with 10 years of exp in xyz and they’d ask my now-husband’s grad school roommate about it but never me!

Now I don’t care what they think about me or anything.

I'm not going to out myself because there are not many women in IT, but all I will say is that I am also C level. There is nothing more I hate than talking about work when I'm not at work. The second I close my computer my job completely melts away and there is nothing more relaxing than being mentally present with friends and family.

To each their own, but a lot of people are very curious about my job and ask a lot of questions and sometimes i just have to cut them off. I'm very grateful that my inlaws are not enamored with my job. I'd much rather talk about my kids. Heck, I'd rather talk about my MILs health problems all day before my job.

In my family my parents are very close with both my kids, and my brothers kids. This is because they are always willing to help us out with our kids, encourage us to both get away with our spouses while they babysit, and generally love being apart of ALL their grandkids lives. They are also good at allowing us to parent our kids the way we feel is best without giving their two cents.

Yes, in our case 100%. My parents(dad passed away recently) adore my kids, and my FIL adores his DD's kids, even though he pretty much dislikes her.

Well kids are blood, wives aren’t.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs now only care about the kids.

But they have never asked me about my career or job much. Even though I’m c-level now. It started early: I’d be at dinner with 10 years of exp in xyz and they’d ask my now-husband’s grad school roommate about it but never me!

Now I don’t care what they think about me or anything.

Similiar but different: My ILs are always beaming about how our kids are “so smart, just like DH.” Seems it never occurred to them that I had the higher test scores, grades, etc.

My ILs now only care about the kids.

But they have never asked me about my career or job much. Even though I’m c-level now. It started early: I’d be at dinner with 10 years of exp in xyz and they’d ask my now-husband’s grad school roommate about it but never me!

Now I don’t care what they think about me or anything.

I’ve known my ILs for going on 20 years.

They, in that time, can’t even remember basic facts about me, like my only sibling’s name or the fact that I have acid reflux disease and can’t eat spicy food.

They only have sons and they trash talk my BIL’s wife whenever they visit us, so I can only imagine what they say about me to them.

Their casual careless attitude toward ever learning anything about me extends to our children. They are only interested in our kids if one has accomplished something they perceive to brag-worthy. For years they’ve decided our daughter is a girly girl pink loving princess, when in fact she doesn’t like nail polish, pick, glitter, etc. But in their heads, she does and as a result, she’s now picked up on the fact that they know nothing about her either.

If my H doesn’t make an effort with them I’m certainly not, they’ve shown time and again that I’m not family to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son's you son till he takes a wife but a daughter's your daughter all your life.. yes, it is true

As a mom of only boys, this quote angers me like no other.

Be prepared and read all the posts of those who have their MILs! You may stand a chance that one of your DILs will like you.

DILs don't hate anyone if the MIL makes the DIL feel consistently welcome.

Anonymous wrote:Communication is always going to be easier and more fluid with one’s own parents. You’ve known each other since you were born!! So of course it will be easier to tell them how stuff in the house works, how to babysit the toddlers, what’s going on.

In laws you may have only met 1-3 times a year in person. Or have totally different speaking styles or ideas of privacy.

Absolutely your own adult kid owns the family of origin relationship you have with his or her nuclear family.

I agree to a certain extent, but I also think that if MIL is selfish and self centered, nothing will change. It is difficult to marry into a closed family, when you come from a family where both sides (mom AND dad and extended families of grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and great aunts and great uncles, etc.) were consistently and lovingly involved. Sometimes, if a child grows up in a family that really didn't GAF about him, and only gave him baggage, the results speak for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son's you son till he takes a wife but a daughter's your daughter all your life.. yes, it is true

As a mom of only boys, this quote angers me like no other.

Be prepared and read all the posts of those who have their MILs! You may stand a chance that one of your DILs will like you.