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Anonymous wrote:^^ I don’t understand this. He’s able to control his bladder when he’s out doing errands but not when his DIL is taking a shower???

If anything, errands take longer than a 10 minute shower.

This totally makes it creepy... DH shouldn’t subject his wife to this.

+1. There is a lot about that story that is not adding up.

It sounds like FIL is a creeper OR he is in the beginning stages of dementia and can't handle a temporary change.

We spent 3 days in the home where DH grew up. His parents have lived there for over 30 years, and I'm pretty sure they've not washed the bath mats in either bathroom that entire time (I'm only sort of exaggerating). Every flat surface in the house is piled with junk. There are pathways through all the rooms, around the piles and piles of stuff that they have accumulated over the years. Nothing ever gets tossed or donated. The house is sorely in need of a vacuum and a dust rag.
Oh, and we have a very active toddler. Never again. Next time, we stay at a hotel. I don't care how far away we have to go to find one.

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Anonymous wrote:This is all incredibly strange to me. At my parents house and my ILs house, everybody is welcome to eat what they want when they want
No asking necessary. Do I want to eat what is at my ILs? Hell no! Do my kids? Hell yes! Chocolate and peanut butter cereal ( who can eat anything that sickly-sweet for breakfast?), tons of candy and chips, and no fruits or vegetables. I really don't get how they have lived so long (mid-90s), because I have never seen MIL or FIL eat any fruit or even a taste of a vegetable. I have brought fruit with us, and always, always, always bottled water (they live in FL - don't understand how anyone can drink the nasty stuff that comes out of their tap!).

But no one in any of our homes (ours, my parents, my ILs) ever asks permission to get food of any kind. We are close family, not guests. Even my genteel, southern ILs would be offended if I asked.

Who says people only ever stay with their parents or their ILs? Some people are staying with aunts/uncles, friends, friends of the family, cousins, the list goes on. Asking before you take something or use something in your host's home is a pretty basic standard good guest behavior. Doesn't everyone know that? Not asking is "incredibly strange" to me.

I once asked my mom if my DS could eat some blueberries (he easily can take down most of a pint in one sitting). She said no, she was using them to make blueberry French toast casserole the next day, but to help ourselves to bananas and other fruit. Good thing I asked, even in my mother's home.

-np

This. My parents and inlaws are very generous and hospitable but they don't expect a ravening hoard to come in and eat all of the XYZ they bought for themselves. If it's something like cereal or peanut butter that I can see they have multiples of, I don't ask. But if it's strawberries or cheese, I ask if my kids can have it because maybe they are saving it for something. I appreciate when they do the same visiting us, because I typically go food shopping only once a week and buy only what we expect to need for the week. (Tiny kitchen, no pantry, and cook mostly from scratch; and young kids and work full time, which makes it hard to do spur of the moment shopping.) The time MIL ate most of my prunes in one sitting I was upset (though didn't say anything, of course) because I rely on them for, ahem, digestive purposes, and didn't have enough left for the week. Now I stock extra for her when I know she's coming, so she can eat however much she wants!

Actually, since both my parents and inlaws are within driving distance, what we do now is either bring a bunch of food or just go food shopping the first night after the kids go to bed. So much easier to get what I know we'll eat and not have them try to do it ahead of time. My mom never gets the right food even when she tries ("what do you mean my skim Lactaid milk is not the same as whole milk?" "you wanted a dozen eggs? oops, I only bought 6"). And my MIL has a lot of food that I don't mind my kids eating as treats, but don't want them to subsist on for 3 days, which they would if I didn't supply something else.

Anonymous wrote:This is all incredibly strange to me. At my parents house and my ILs house, everybody is welcome to eat what they want when they want
No asking necessary. Do I want to eat what is at my ILs? Hell no! Do my kids? Hell yes! Chocolate and peanut butter cereal ( who can eat anything that sickly-sweet for breakfast?), tons of candy and chips, and no fruits or vegetables. I really don't get how they have lived so long (mid-90s), because I have never seen MIL or FIL eat any fruit or even a taste of a vegetable. I have brought fruit with us, and always, always, always bottled water (they live in FL - don't understand how anyone can drink the nasty stuff that comes out of their tap!).

But no one in any of our homes (ours, my parents, my ILs) ever asks permission to get food of any kind. We are close family, not guests. Even my genteel, southern ILs would be offended if I asked.

Who says people only ever stay with their parents or their ILs? Some people are staying with aunts/uncles, friends, friends of the family, cousins, the list goes on. Asking before you take something or use something in your host's home is a pretty basic standard good guest behavior. Doesn't everyone know that? Not asking is "incredibly strange" to me.

I once asked my mom if my DS could eat some blueberries (he easily can take down most of a pint in one sitting). She said no, she was using them to make blueberry French toast casserole the next day, but to help ourselves to bananas and other fruit. Good thing I asked, even in my mother's home.

-np

Anonymous wrote:All the dishes taste like their plastic shelf liners.

Why are you tasting dishes?

This is all incredibly strange to me. At my parents house and my ILs house, everybody is welcome to eat what they want when they want
No asking necessary. Do I want to eat what is at my ILs? Hell no! Do my kids? Hell yes! Chocolate and peanut butter cereal ( who can eat anything that sickly-sweet for breakfast?), tons of candy and chips, and no fruits or vegetables. I really don't get how they have lived so long (mid-90s), because I have never seen MIL or FIL eat any fruit or even a taste of a vegetable. I have brought fruit with us, and always, always, always bottled water (they live in FL - don't understand how anyone can drink the nasty stuff that comes out of their tap!).

But no one in any of our homes (ours, my parents, my ILs) ever asks permission to get food of any kind. We are close family, not guests. Even my genteel, southern ILs would be offended if I asked.

All the dishes taste like their plastic shelf liners.

Didn't stay there this year, but most of the windows at FIL's house are painted shut. In a warm climate where you can have windows open much of the time in the winter.

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Anonymous wrote:Not allowed to go in the kitchen between meals. My 10 year old went in and was rummaging around looking for a snack and the host threw a fit.

Wow. You allowed your child to rummage through your host's kitchen w/o express permission from the host to do so? That's pretty bad .

+1. That is a HUGE no-no. Even if it is your own parents or siblings (or DH equivalent), but especially if it is anyone more removed than that.

NP. The child should ask for more if he’s hungry, but please don’t host if you don’t intend to feed your guests enough. My ILs don’t fix nearly enough food, and we’re all left starving after each meal.

No one said the child was wrong for being hungry, or the parent was wrong for meeting that need. BUT ASK FIRST, duh. Common courtesy. Literally Being a Good Guest 101.

What part of the above post did you not comprehend? The PP said the child should ask, and you’ve added nothing to the conversation except snark. Read and try to understand before you post.

You clarified a point no one muddied. NO ONE said hosts shouldn't provide food.

LOL. Given that the child was scrounging for food and hungry, it was a valid point. And it was also valid for a poster to share an experience of stingy in laws who weren’t offering enough food. Sharing such things is the point of the thread.

Yeah, so anyway, all guests should ASK before rummaging around in anyone's kitchen. Point blank period. If you don't think your hosts provide enough food:

1) ASK for some
2) If it's repeated, STAY IN A HOTEL (fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...)
3) Or if you don't want resulting hotel drama, bring some of your own food

Again, please refer to the original message. NOBODY said the kid shouldn't ask...in fact, everyone has agreed that nobody should be rummaging through kitchens without permission. And I suppose everyone's story here could be shut down by "STAY IN A HOTEL, DUH" but the point of this thread is to share anecdotes to blow off steam. It sounds like you're really taking it personally because you're one of those stingy food hosts. There are entire threads about you on DCUM!!! Since we're handing out advice now: If you don't want someone in your home, and if you can't be a gracious host to them, then don't offer. If you're just going to be passive aggressive and controlling by offering them nothing to eat, and then get angry and offended because they went out for pizza, or if you declare your kitchen off-limits because you think nobody should eat lunch in your home, you are not the kind of person that should have guests. "Point blank period."

Agree to all this. The only people who would have a problem with this is people who shouldn't be hosting.

I fully agree that people who can't feed their guests and provide decent accommodations shouldn't host, 100%.

But here's the reality--not everyone lives up to this, in practice. As evidenced by literally hundreds of threads on hosts (usually relatives) who don't provide decent mattresses, or even sheets/towels, or plentiful food. So knowing that reality by having stayed with a bad host one time, you have a choice. Either talk to them and see if you can get what you need ("Mom, I know you don't like people in the kitchen after 8, but Timmy is really hungry. Can I get him some cereal); or bring your own sheets/towels/food/whatever; or stay elsewhere. It's not rocket science.

What shocks me the most is saying "even if it's your own parents' home." Are you really a GUEST in your parent's home? I'm not. I am their child. I can't imagine a relationship where you would feel you have to ask to open their pantry.

Yeah, me neither. My parents are very welcoming and casual. But hey, as we know, some parents, ILs and other relatives are batshit crazy, eh? Best to avoid any potential confusion or toe-stepping. The rule of thumb is to always ask before helping yourself to anything in your hosts' home. They may well say, "Of course, help yourself to anything at all for the rest of the visit." But you are still showing respect and good manners by asking the first time.

Even with parents whose attitude is "mi casa es su casa," you don't want Little Timmy inadvertently eating a huge chunk of the banana bread that was supposed to be for tomorrow's breakfast. Asking first is never a bad idea! Communicate.

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Anonymous wrote:Not allowed to go in the kitchen between meals. My 10 year old went in and was rummaging around looking for a snack and the host threw a fit.

Wow. You allowed your child to rummage through your host's kitchen w/o express permission from the host to do so? That's pretty bad .

+1. That is a HUGE no-no. Even if it is your own parents or siblings (or DH equivalent), but especially if it is anyone more removed than that.

NP. The child should ask for more if he’s hungry, but please don’t host if you don’t intend to feed your guests enough. My ILs don’t fix nearly enough food, and we’re all left starving after each meal.

No one said the child was wrong for being hungry, or the parent was wrong for meeting that need. BUT ASK FIRST, duh. Common courtesy. Literally Being a Good Guest 101.

What part of the above post did you not comprehend? The PP said the child should ask, and you’ve added nothing to the conversation except snark. Read and try to understand before you post.

You clarified a point no one muddied. NO ONE said hosts shouldn't provide food.

LOL. Given that the child was scrounging for food and hungry, it was a valid point. And it was also valid for a poster to share an experience of stingy in laws who weren’t offering enough food. Sharing such things is the point of the thread.

Yeah, so anyway, all guests should ASK before rummaging around in anyone's kitchen. Point blank period. If you don't think your hosts provide enough food:

1) ASK for some
2) If it's repeated, STAY IN A HOTEL (fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...)
3) Or if you don't want resulting hotel drama, bring some of your own food

Again, please refer to the original message. NOBODY said the kid shouldn't ask...in fact, everyone has agreed that nobody should be rummaging through kitchens without permission. And I suppose everyone's story here could be shut down by "STAY IN A HOTEL, DUH" but the point of this thread is to share anecdotes to blow off steam. It sounds like you're really taking it personally because you're one of those stingy food hosts. There are entire threads about you on DCUM!!! Since we're handing out advice now: If you don't want someone in your home, and if you can't be a gracious host to them, then don't offer. If you're just going to be passive aggressive and controlling by offering them nothing to eat, and then get angry and offended because they went out for pizza, or if you declare your kitchen off-limits because you think nobody should eat lunch in your home, you are not the kind of person that should have guests. "Point blank period."

Agree to all this. The only people who would have a problem with this is people who shouldn't be hosting.

I fully agree that people who can't feed their guests and provide decent accommodations shouldn't host, 100%.

But here's the reality--not everyone lives up to this, in practice. As evidenced by literally hundreds of threads on hosts (usually relatives) who don't provide decent mattresses, or even sheets/towels, or plentiful food. So knowing that reality by having stayed with a bad host one time, you have a choice. Either talk to them and see if you can get what you need ("Mom, I know you don't like people in the kitchen after 8, but Timmy is really hungry. Can I get him some cereal); or bring your own sheets/towels/food/whatever; or stay elsewhere. It's not rocket science.

What shocks me the most is saying "even if it's your own parents' home." Are you really a GUEST in your parent's home? I'm not. I am their child. I can't imagine a relationship where you would feel you have to ask to open their pantry.

Anonymous wrote:^^ I don’t understand this. He’s able to control his bladder when he’s out doing errands but not when his DIL is taking a shower???

If anything, errands take longer than a 10 minute shower.

This totally makes it creepy... DH shouldn’t subject his wife to this.

+1. There is a lot about that story that is not adding up.

This happened 15 years ago at my parents house but not much has changed.....the first time we were visiting my parents new home. My husband got up early with our toddler and was letting me sleep in. He was in the kitchen getting DS a bowl of cereal. Bowl, cereal and milk were no problem. Now to find a spoon. He opened a few drawers and found no less than 200 spoons. All different sizes. He grabbed one and breakfast started. Grandma walked in at this point and went a bit crazy over the fact that dd was not using a cereal spoon! She was using an ice cream spoon. Only in my mother's eyes is this a problem. To this day she sets out cereal bowls and spoons every night we visit so we don't make that mistake again.

^^ I don’t understand this. He’s able to control his bladder when he’s out doing errands but not when his DIL is taking a shower???

If anything, errands take longer than a 10 minute shower.

This totally makes it creepy... DH shouldn’t subject his wife to this.

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Anonymous wrote:Oh god- I'm so sorry I'm not the only one:

Air Mattress in the basement, b/c DH old bedroom is too full of stuff for us to stay there.

Brown carpet in my FIL's bathroom, which is the only bathroom with a shower.

Said shower has two temperatures- scalding or arctic.

And FIL has a bad habit of coming in to use the bathroom without knocking, occasionally catching me in the shower. (and, when he flushes, I get scalded).

Therefore, I avoid bathing at their house. Unfortunately, it's unavoidable at Christmas, so we've developed a complicated scheme of getting my FIL to run an errand, so I can shower in peace.

MIL stores food outside- either in an old cooler or directly on the picnic table, b/c the fridge is full.

And some of the food in the cabinets expired last century. Literally.

On the bright side, the air mattress is always nicely made with sheets and blankets when we arrive. And my MIL won't let anyone go hungry. And they are really lovely people, who just aren't used to sharing their space anymore.

Your FIL is a gross man. At the very least, your dh should be standing guard outside that bathroom while you take a shower in peace. Honestly, I would get aa hotel room or go home early!

He's really not- he's just old and when he has to pee, he has to pee. He heads to his bathroom like usual, and the doorknob lock is ineffective- you just have to jiggle the doorknob and it pops open. I don't think he can really hear the shower going, or maybe he thinks it's DH in the shower. He's very apologetic when he realizes what happened (and there is a solid shower curtain- it's not like he can see anything), he just can't wait any longer.

Complete bullshit.

Just put a SIGN ON THE DOOR. And if he ignores that, you have a control freak or a creep-o on your hands. It IS avoidable to stay with them for Christmas: avoid it by NOT STAYING THERE.

"Dad, even with a sign on the door and being reminded, you invade Jane's privacy when she is in the shower. So we won't be staying here again. What's that? You promise it will never happen again? OK, we'll give it one more try, but if you come in while Jane is showering, we will never be staying here again."

How nice for you that you don’t have elderly relatives in your life whose bodies don’t work perfectly. My FIL is like PP‘s. When he has to go, he has to go, or he WILL PEE HIS PANTS. Are you suggesting that is an acceptable burden to put on an elderly person in their own home? Get some compassion. Luckily for us, my ILs have an extra bathroom so we don’t have this issue at their house, although we do when we vacation with them. You learn to plan around it, like making up errands to get him out, or you of course could choose not to stay there. But that doesn’t make her FIL a control freak or a creepo.

Anonymous wrote:^^ yes, last word poster. Say "choice" one more time...

Keep complaining about your own decisions, and I'll keep saying the word choice for sure.