A dream job doesn’t destroy marriages and families. Within three months he finds a new job with hours that build the family and marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is still reading this or not but is there a reason no-one has suggested getting a nanny or au pair for the kids? Someone to help out during the hours you are working and he's not home? And to babysit one night a week so you can go out on a date night?

Previous poster here. Usually the nanny/au pair would be a good solution but there were so many issues going on that wouldn’t be addressed by that. The OP wants to spend more time with her DH and for him to spend more time with the kids and outsourcing wouldn’t help that. It sounded like when he did have free time he prioritized other things.

Also, anytime someone decides to follow their bliss when they have kids and financial obligations, it unfairly puts the burden on the other person unless there is agreement ahead of time/well thought out plan/timelines involved. It didn’t sound like the OP’s DH got agreement ahead of time, has a timeline, or has a plan of how financially this puts the family ahead of where he was or had things to help mitigate the extra work this put on his spouse. While nanny/au pair in theory could help, if he is making even less than before and they spend more on getting extra help, there may have needed to be compromises somewhere else for that to work.

I don't know if OP is still reading this or not but is there a reason no-one has suggested getting a nanny or au pair for the kids? Someone to help out during the hours you are working and he's not home? And to babysit one night a week so you can go out on a date night?

OP - can you keep your job (or a similar job) and still move to live with or near your mom?

Regardless of what you do, you need a job. I'm not a lawyer, but I would imagine you would not get alimony or child support if you are the one who left, because you could have been earning all that money but you gave it up for no reason.

Interesting bump but it reminded me this was on topic that tugged at my heart and I really like OP and was rooting for a good solution for her.

My first instinct when I start browsing here is to attempt to be funny/snarky in my replies. Sometimes I decide it's funny but too mean and just move on to a different topic. This one made me want to help OP in any way I could. I'd love an update at some point OP so we know you are ok.

Let me first say that I am sorry you are struggling. When my husband and I were only married a few years, he also worked a lot of hours and it felt like he was away from home more than he was with us. I was so frustrated and felt so lonely all the time. Like you, I knew he was happy at his job and I feared asking him to make any type of sacrifice because if he left a job he was happy at for me and then ended up miserable at a new job, I didn't want to be blamed for it. Have you discussed how you are feeling with your husband at all? Communication is so important and I know that once my husband and I began to learn how to talk about our issues together, we were able to come up with a plan together that made both of us happy and gave both of us what we wanted and needed. This article on communication (https://bit.ly/2Kv2xSN) has been helpful for me and my husband, maybe it'll be helpful for you too! Please know that I'll be praying for you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know, since your DH unilaterally took a job that dramatically changed your family's lifestyle without consulting you, I think you just do what you need to do without consulting him. Move the family (the whole family) to be near your mother and friends. If he doesn't like it, it's up to him to decide what to do.

Simply tell him exactly what he told you when he took the job. That this will be SOOOOO much better for the family, it'll work out, blah blah blah. If he starts pushing back, just explain that you made this decision for the family - same as he did last year - and that's that. Stay married to him, be friendly and move.

+1

OP, you know, since your DH unilaterally took a job that dramatically changed your family's lifestyle without consulting you, I think you just do what you need to do without consulting him. Move the family (the whole family) to be near your mother and friends. If he doesn't like it, it's up to him to decide what to do.

Simply tell him exactly what he told you when he took the job. That this will be SOOOOO much better for the family, it'll work out, blah blah blah. If he starts pushing back, just explain that you made this decision for the family - same as he did last year - and that's that. Stay married to him, be friendly and move.