Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 11:08     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


Have you talked with your sister directly?

Realize, if your sister really feels this strongly, she's rather setting herself up to be disappointed.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 11:04     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.


OP, I'm the poster who wrote about MIL wanting to hit my child (which is why I have never left my children in her care EVER). In your case, I would be more concerned with your IL's ability to do 24 hour care. It's a lot. Heck my kids are in middle school and I honestly could not handle care of a toddler without a break myself at this point. I think you have a really good plan. I was also wondering if your sister dictated her wedding be no children? I assume she is not having flowergirls etc?


You are correct. She asked for no children. Not to get into that relationship - but shes had a difficult time accepting the fact that my other sister and I have little ones and can't give the amount of attention she'd like to her wedding planning/bachelorette etc. this is not the post to get into that.


Oh, but it is. You're tip-toeing around your sister's unreasonable feelings rather than doing what is best for you and your child, what feels right. If your sister was the kind of person who said, "I understand, you do what you need to do," I would be more inclined to say put yourself out there for her. It sounds like your sister is taking emotional hostages here.

But expecting you to say definitively whether you could come to remote locale without your baby while you're pregnant? That's not really a fair question. Heck, I wouldn't have had a week of PTO to use a year out from having my first, because of all the illnesses and the PTO I used to cover maternity leave.

Take a moment to examine what keeping your sister happy (or happy-ish) costs you, not just in this instance, but others.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 11:01     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.


She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.


So you're putting everyone's feeling and desires ahead of your own sense of what you want for your baby. Does that make sense?
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 10:59     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.


She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.


Not your issue. Your MOM is putting avoiding discomfort with your sister, over your sense of duty towards your baby. Again, get a spine. Nobody has the right to force you to make decisions you are not comfortable with about your child.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 10:57     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


You need go get a spine! Do what you think is best for the baby and let everyone else have whatever their reactions are. Your job is taking care of your baby. You are not responsible for their feelings.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 10:42     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Oh man your sister is a pill. She's holding your family emotional hostages. Your mom sounds like the classic enabler, giving in to her ridiculous demand to keep peace.

At first I thought your H's family is the problem, but with the added info I just think your family dynamic is wacked.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 10:08     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.


She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:55     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.


Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:40     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.


I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:12     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
PP here. Truly cannot believe what I’m reading. If it’s sooo difficult to take care of a baby why are so many of you trusting others to take care of yours? How many of you are SAHMs?

This thread is crazy talk.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:10     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Just relax and check in as frequent as you can for peace of mind. Similar situation this week for my children but they older. They are with my IL's who tend to do their thing. They do ask for my opinion on certain things. DH did a great job at easing my anxiety about it. Have checked in and video chatted and they are Happy as can be .

They raised your husband and his siblings (if he has any) so I would personally prefer ILs over a strange caregiver.

I totally understand your concern though, yours is a lot younger.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:08     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.


OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.


Op, I definitely agree with you on one thing: this is the wrong forum for seeking this kind of advice. The majority of the responses clearly are from working mothers as anxious as you. Ridiculous suggestions that you skip the wedding or that your husband skip the wedding, etc., are crazy. Everything is going to be fine, and the other posters should be telling you that. I really worry about this generation’s children. You are all babying your babies is too much. Not sure if it’s because you feel bad working and leaving them all day — which you shouldn’t feel bad about at all — or what.

You’ve now clarified that your concern isn’t your baby’s safety but how happy she’ll be. She will be FINE! In fact, she’s not even going to remember it. She’s one lucky baby to have you — and those grandparents.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:07     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Test run. My very active able bodied step-mom watched my girl for 8 hours straight one day and was surprised how exhausted she was, and was heading home and straight to bed. I quested whether child gave her a rough time. Nope, just that she was go go go most of the time, and that the responsibility of keeping her safe was emotionally exhausting too.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 09:02     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
I would move heaven and earth to take the baby with me on the trip.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2018 08:51     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:Clearly they don’t follow your rukes so I wouldn’t leave them with her. Do you really think they are going to take her to daycare?


They won't lie to us. I do trust them that much. If they tell us they'll take her to daycare/follow our routine, they will. They would never hit her, yell at her, be mean to her, or ignore her. They just want to take care of her outside of her normal home and daycare. Which is the reason I was seeking advice.