Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:21
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?
I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).
I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:18
Subject: Re:Is wife being unreasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-
I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.
The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.
Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)
The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.
I can guarantee you you have no idea what it's like to be postpartum. The fact that you still are arguing (and even now want her to stay for christmas!) after so many posts she is right, tells me you are the unreasonable one. If your plan to watch the two year old is yourself and your parents (both involved in the wedding), I do understand her hesitation for that.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:17
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?
I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).
I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:16
Subject: Re:Is wife being unreasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-
I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.
The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.
Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)
The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.
Why? What have you done for her lately?
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:12
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
OP, you're frigging close minded. You came here for different perspectives, yet with overwhelmed HELL NO responses, you're still set your way.
I feel for your wife, and I'm a guy who is helping my wife as much as you do.
Your parents probably think the same way you do.
Grow a spine and stand up for your wife, or soon the only family you have left is your parents and sibling.
I feel for your wife, and I'm a guy who is helping my wife as much as you do.
Your parents probably think the same way you do.
Grow a spine and stand up for your wife, or soon the only family you have left is your parents and sibling.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:11
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Your wife feels like she needs to be present when 2yo is interacting with your family bc it’s clear she doesn’t trust you or your parents to supervise him properly. I imagine there are probably legitimate reasons for this.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:11
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Thanks for the update, OP.
You're still wrong.
And I don't like the tone of: "I think she should be willing to do this for me. "
That's not how I think of my relationship with my husband. He doesn't do things for me. He does things for our nuclear family (four people). This is what I do as well. And CLEARLY, this is not in the best interest of the smallest member of your family.
Stop being so relentlessly selfish. It's not "me, me, me" anymore. You're a family man now.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:09
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Oh, but of course if you do go with 2 year old, obviously you just go for wedding. You need to come home for Christmas!
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:08
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
I would not fly in Decent with an unvaccinated newborn unless it was some sort of emergency. So I'm with your wife on that. Sorry, OP. Even if that's not the reason in her mind, it's just not worth the risk.
However, I think you should push back on you taking the 2 year old. He's your son too. Your wife may dislike your parents, but unless she has a good reason to fear for your son's safety around them, she's out of line. They're his family and this is a big family event. I think it's important that he go.
Now, let's say your wife has a legitimate reason (at least in her mind) for not trusting your parents. You should still be able to take your son, and just agree not to leave him alone with your parents. Yes, this means more work for you, but if there was some incident or whatever (and reasonable minds can differ about how bad something may be), that could put her mind at ease. And if you take the 2 year old, your MIL doesn't have to go to your house and she can stay in the wedding city and help out with your son as needed.
In short, I don't think you should take your newborn. But, unless your wife has some reason to doubt your competence as a parent, you should absolutely take the toddler. Talk to your wife about her specific concerns with him going and see if you can't come to a compromise you can both live with.
It's harder to say more without knowing the deal between your wife and parents, or how legitimate her concerns may be, but I'll just throw this out there - if your wife is pregnant, that means she's hormonal. You'll likely get further if you cut her some slack and acknowledge her concerns even if you think she's overreacting. Not to say you should have to play into her overreaction, but she'll probably be more agreeable to you taking the toddler if she feels you're on the same page as her regarding whatever trust issues she has (i.e., you saying you won't leave your son with your parents won't mean much if she feels like you think she's just being petty and so will go ahead and do it anyway).
However, I think you should push back on you taking the 2 year old. He's your son too. Your wife may dislike your parents, but unless she has a good reason to fear for your son's safety around them, she's out of line. They're his family and this is a big family event. I think it's important that he go.
Now, let's say your wife has a legitimate reason (at least in her mind) for not trusting your parents. You should still be able to take your son, and just agree not to leave him alone with your parents. Yes, this means more work for you, but if there was some incident or whatever (and reasonable minds can differ about how bad something may be), that could put her mind at ease. And if you take the 2 year old, your MIL doesn't have to go to your house and she can stay in the wedding city and help out with your son as needed.
In short, I don't think you should take your newborn. But, unless your wife has some reason to doubt your competence as a parent, you should absolutely take the toddler. Talk to your wife about her specific concerns with him going and see if you can't come to a compromise you can both live with.
It's harder to say more without knowing the deal between your wife and parents, or how legitimate her concerns may be, but I'll just throw this out there - if your wife is pregnant, that means she's hormonal. You'll likely get further if you cut her some slack and acknowledge her concerns even if you think she's overreacting. Not to say you should have to play into her overreaction, but she'll probably be more agreeable to you taking the toddler if she feels you're on the same page as her regarding whatever trust issues she has (i.e., you saying you won't leave your son with your parents won't mean much if she feels like you think she's just being petty and so will go ahead and do it anyway).
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:05
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
On top of everything else, December is the beginning of cold and flu season. There is no way I would fly with my 6 week unvaccinated baby at any time if I could avoid it... but especially then. What do you do when the person sitting across from you on the flight is coughing and hacking everywhere? It will happen; it's December. Also that time of year is notorious for delays (tons of pre-Christmas travelers and terrible weather)... think of how miserable it could be if things did go wrong with the travel logistics.
I do think your wife is being unreasonable about you bringing your 2 year old to the wedding if she's really said that you can't. (I will flag here that you are very opaque about why your wife is so uncomfortable w/ your child around your parents. If there is abuse involved in any way (including substance abuse), even past abuse, then I feel differently.) So, if you actually want to bring him/her yourself (which, I admit, I'm skeptical of), then that is the case you should make. It will probably help if you start from a position of "Of course you shouldn't come if you don't want to. I get it. You don't know how you will feel. The baby will be very young. I plan to help out at the wedding as much as I possibly can, but of course -- as best man -- that might be easier said than done. However, our 2 year old..."
Now, the above said, obviously you cannot have your 2 year old stay out with your extended family and miss Christmas at home with his mom and new sibling. That would be absurd. So you need to make it clear that it'll be a quick trip for the wedding only.
I do think your wife is being unreasonable about you bringing your 2 year old to the wedding if she's really said that you can't. (I will flag here that you are very opaque about why your wife is so uncomfortable w/ your child around your parents. If there is abuse involved in any way (including substance abuse), even past abuse, then I feel differently.) So, if you actually want to bring him/her yourself (which, I admit, I'm skeptical of), then that is the case you should make. It will probably help if you start from a position of "Of course you shouldn't come if you don't want to. I get it. You don't know how you will feel. The baby will be very young. I plan to help out at the wedding as much as I possibly can, but of course -- as best man -- that might be easier said than done. However, our 2 year old..."
Now, the above said, obviously you cannot have your 2 year old stay out with your extended family and miss Christmas at home with his mom and new sibling. That would be absurd. So you need to make it clear that it'll be a quick trip for the wedding only.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 12:04
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
Anonymous wrote:I feel like the christmas thing makes not wanting to go slightly more reasonable but the fact that she won't let you take the toddler removes ALL understanding and moral high ground from her position IMO.
- Show up PP
OP hasn't said why she won't but she could have very legitimate reasons for not wanting this. For example, they could be completely incompetent at watching a toddler. Just recently I was out at a museum with my father and my two kids. One kid wanted to see a different exhibit so we agreed I'd go with him and my dad stayed with the other. Well, my dad lost him -- he just wandered off without my dad noticing (he said he just looked down at his phone for a second!). If you are not used to taking care of toddlers, which is the case for many grandparents who don't live nearby and who haven't had to watch toddlers since their kids grew up, you forget how careful you need to be. Could be a reason like this.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 11:57
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
I feel like the christmas thing makes not wanting to go slightly more reasonable but the fact that she won't let you take the toddler removes ALL understanding and moral high ground from her position IMO.
- Show up PP
- Show up PP
Anonymous
06/01/2018 11:54
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
I think you don't fully get all the logistics involved with Christmas for little kids.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 11:53
Subject: Re:Is wife being unreasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-
I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.
The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.
Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)
The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.
Um, that's a pretty big detail. And a big ask. I can understand why she may be saying no here. If she liked and got along with your parents, that would still be a big deal. The fact that she doesn't makes it really surprising to me that you think it's reasonable to stick around for the week and do Christmas there.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 11:50
Subject: Is wife being unreasonable?
OP, your 11:37 post doesn't make your case as well as you think it does.
Your DW doesn't like your parents. We have no idea why, but it seems you've tolerated her preferences in regard to limiting their contact until now...so just let that go.
The fact that the wedding is in December makes it so much more unreasonable to expect her to attend this event. I wouldn't want to drag an unvaccinated 6w onto a plane in the winter...that's just asking for trouble.
You have to just let this go. It's not NBD. It would be a lot of effort and discomfort for your DW. Some people might do it, others might not. The fact that she doesn't like your parents is probably factoring into how much effort she wants to put into your family. That makes sense; it's not unreasonable or unfair.
TBH, your attitude is mostly coming across as pent up resentment about how much she dislikes your parents. This event is just highlighting that fact. I can't fix that problem for you, but I would suggest that you decouple addressing it from the birth of your second child if you ever want to actually fix this.
Your DW doesn't like your parents. We have no idea why, but it seems you've tolerated her preferences in regard to limiting their contact until now...so just let that go.
The fact that the wedding is in December makes it so much more unreasonable to expect her to attend this event. I wouldn't want to drag an unvaccinated 6w onto a plane in the winter...that's just asking for trouble.
You have to just let this go. It's not NBD. It would be a lot of effort and discomfort for your DW. Some people might do it, others might not. The fact that she doesn't like your parents is probably factoring into how much effort she wants to put into your family. That makes sense; it's not unreasonable or unfair.
TBH, your attitude is mostly coming across as pent up resentment about how much she dislikes your parents. This event is just highlighting that fact. I can't fix that problem for you, but I would suggest that you decouple addressing it from the birth of your second child if you ever want to actually fix this.