Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 hours of travel with a new baby sounds miserable and its too much of an ask.

Honestly, bringing an infant that young to a wedding is a big ask even without the travel.

OP here, that's the other thing. Kids aren't invited to the wedding, but the in-laws are insistent because we live so far away and they don't get to see this set of grandkids that much, so they want us to bring the whole family back for a visit. We haven't seen them since we moved overseas last year (and that incredibly long journey with a 1 and 3 year old was a special kind of hell), so I completely understand that they want us to come and stay with them for a week before the wedding so we can all spend time together, but having had two kids already, I know that I am not at my best for a good 6-8 weeks postpartum and this trip sounds so stressful and exhausting.

Let in laws know they are welcome to come visit you any time.

Anonymous wrote:This is a call only you can make based on how highly you prioritize family. It's not a birthday party, it's hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime event for your BIL.

If you want to prioritize your family let DH go. I can't believe they expect someone with two young kids and a baby to make a trip like that back and forth.

Your DH should go, maybe take the oldest with him

Grandparents request has nothing to do with the wedding, they just want to see their grand kids and likely hoped the wedding would be an event that would lead to family being together. Depending on how much they have travelled, they may have little sense of what is involved.

If it was that important to the BIL to have them there for the wedding ceremony, he could have either done it before they moved (everyone knew the move was happening) or scheduled it for when they moved back to DC, or at the very least - NOT scheduled it for right after they freaking have a newborn baby. There are so many reasons why it would be terrible to go that seem to have more potentially serious ramifications (newborn immune system, post partum recovery of mother, nursing, etc.) than the reasons to go (make brother happy after he changed his mind about your previous agreement).

Honestly, the weird narcissistic myopia that happens with weddings is really something. The world does not stop for their party. Tell them you love them and totally get that they want you to be there, but like you discussed it's not going to work out as much as you would like it to.

A recent wedding I attended live streamed it for these exact reasons - such a beautiful way to include people and make it about including them rather than suddenly equating the occasion with test of family loyalty or whatever. They need to get their priorities straight. You made your plans clear ahead of time, and they made their own plans knowing what yours were.

This is nuts. And a totally first world, wealthy person stance. When my folks immigrated to this country 40 years ago from India, they left behind 4 sisters on one side, and 1 brother on another. My parents missed 3 sibling weddings. My mom had not a single relative from her side at her own baby shower. Not because they didn't want to be there, but because they didn't have the money to actually get back!! They were freaking poor. They sent money back home to help, and whatever was left they saved for a house. People were sad, but they understood, of course. When my siblings and I were growing up, we saw our family in India once every 3-4 years because that is all we could afford. We kept in touch with lots of letters and a phone call every month (it was expensive back then).

Guess what?!? We are all super close despite the distance! I talk to my grandparents (in their 90s) on skype now weekly, and my mom speaks to all 4 of her sisters every day using WhatsApp video. I'm actually much closer to the family in India than the family in the United States, despite the less frequent physical contact. My kids have visited their great-grandparents, great-aunts and cousins in India twice now, and write emails to them. They are 7 and 5.

OP, there are many ways of being part of family. Go and visit your family when you are physically able with your 3 children, and in the meantime, make sure they can call/skype with your children regularly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 hours of travel with a new baby sounds miserable and its too much of an ask.

Honestly, bringing an infant that young to a wedding is a big ask even without the travel.

OP here, that's the other thing. Kids aren't invited to the wedding, but the in-laws are insistent because we live so far away and they don't get to see this set of grandkids that much, so they want us to bring the whole family back for a visit. We haven't seen them since we moved overseas last year (and that incredibly long journey with a 1 and 3 year old was a special kind of hell), so I completely understand that they want us to come and stay with them for a week before the wedding so we can all spend time together, but having had two kids already, I know that I am not at my best for a good 6-8 weeks postpartum and this trip sounds so stressful and exhausting.

Persuade your in laws that they will get much more good quality time with the kids if THEY visit you.

Anonymous wrote:DH goes. Your pre-2 month vaccine NB ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT FLY FOR 30 hours. (This is especially true if you will be in airports in areas of the world where vaccine prevalence is not high and/or serious illnesses that spread via close contact are endemic.) Talk about a stupid risk to take for a party they are not invited to. Your pediatrician will absolutely take your side in this if you want "support" for your decision to quote to your ILs.

Maybe your DH brings the 4 year old if that would help smooth things over? Frankly though, with the kids not invited anyway, your ILs are being extra unreasonable. There is no reason the family trip has to coincide with the wedding when that is very inconvenient for you for very legitimate reasons.

THIS. Where are you living OP? Unless its Western Europe, no way I would chance it with my defenseless newborn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

For sure don't go and don't feel guilty. Your DH should be the only one that goes. God, family can be miserable.