Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Oh, FFS. Going to Al-Anon to equip oneself is the exact opposite of being co-dependent. You are so ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your in-laws have no hold over you and your husband except for blood ties. As in, that's their only leverage. They have nothing to leave to their kids or grandkids so why bother to maintain ties with them? Maybe they can have a relationship with your kids but that's it. Just don't put up with their nonsense anymore. It's also quite unusual for white American parents to demand that their adult child takes care of them in old age so I was wondering what your husband's cultural background is. At the same time, I can't imagine it being other than white because coddling addicts doesn't exist in other cultures (I'm Asian FWIW and cannot understand this 'addiction is a disease' mentality either).

OP here. DH is the only reason I bother with my in laws. He is very malleable especially where his father is concerned. I made the bulk of the money they are scheming on before I ever met him, so it’s not his to dispose of. But from time to time, he talks about how we should sell some shares and buy a multifamily house so his parents can “help out” with childcare. I say GTFOH and he comes to his senses again. My in laws live 10 minutes away and have little interest in helping out beyond trying to hand our kids to SIL to prove she is responsible. And yes, they are white. And yes, I agree that fawning over addicts is such a white thing (as long as the addicts are white too).

Beg to differ. Fawning over addicts happens in all cultures and among all races.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

+1 I attended Al-Anon and found it very helpful and was frustrated for years that my mother wouldn't go. I finally had to look at her as if she were an alcoholic and let go of wanting her to try Al-Anon. It was never going to happen and accepting that did improve my relationship with her (although YMMV). OP, the fact is that you are the relative of an addict and attending a group like that might help you deal with the fact that your husband is a straight-up co-dependent who is enmeshed with his parents. Sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

That's crazy. The grandparents can have a perfectly fine relationship even after OP refuses to provide support for an addict. Using the kids would be a blackmail tactic. Do you think that's right?

Only someone who has/had an addict relative can possibly understand how hard this situation is.

I watched my parents throw away thousands of dollars to keep my brother out of jail. He'd never admit he had a problem until he was in trouble and then he'd cry and beg for help to get into a rehab program. He'd complete it and celebrate with a drink.

My parents are in their 60s and have a 30-something adult child living with them because they just enable, enable, enable. He has no license and has to rely on them or Uber for rides. He has no credit card, so their credit card is attached to his Uber account. My mom made a passing comment when I redoing my home about not turning an extra guest room into my office because when they were gone, it would be my responsibility to care for my brother. I told her that was not happening under any circumstances. I'm the only one in my family who calls him out on his addiction and doesn't enable him. There's zero scenarios I can think of where I'd let him live with me. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize that I matter and putting myself first doesn't mean that I care about others less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All of the replies here are really helpful. I kind of chuckled at the responses calling upon me to have more sympathy because I used to be have such lofty standards too until I actually had real life experience with an addict.

Now, I know that, in most cases, the selfish, asshole traits come first and contribute to addiction, not the other way around. Funny how all this sympathy for and rationalizing of addiction didn’t exist in the 80s and 90s when blacks were the face of addiction.

Anyway, I am working on getting DH on board. It will take many talks, I think. His parents are very manipulative and have been priming him to take over care of them AND SIL in order to give themselves peace of mind. They don’t care about the ramifications for us and our children. The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree as far as SIL’s selfish ways go.

I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

I don't have any advice, OP, because I thankfully don't have to deal with these issues. But, if I were you I would make clear to your husband - now - that you are not OK with subsidizing his parents when they run out of money because they are feeding it to your SIL. Reiterate this whenever appropriate. It looks like their plan, such as it is, is to present him (and you) with a fiat accompli - they are out of money, it doesn't matter how it got that way, and you need to help them so [insert dire consequence] doesn't happen. If he won't tell them now that isn't going to happen, you at least need to make it very clear to him that you are not OK with spending family assets on this, and you certainly aren't going to cash out stock for them. Then, when it happens (and it will), you have a long history of this position, so he can't pretend he never knew you felt this way.

Anonymous wrote:Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

I don't see how refusing to supply an addict with money to kill herself damages the relationship with the grandparents. If anything, OP is the only voice of reason here. The enablers are slowly but surely helping to speed up SIL's death.

Anonymous wrote:Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

Probably as sad as they will be if OP leaves them in her ILs care and they let their crackhead aunt babysit.

Anonymous wrote:Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

Not nearly as sad as you are writing this dumb, guilt-tripping post. Shoo! Be gone! Adults are talking.

Anonymous wrote:Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

What nonsense. OP has never said anything about damaging her children's relationship with their grandparents. She is only concerned about their safety and her ILs pawning her kids off to their daughter who is a known druggie is SICK. Children don't need to witness such crap.

Think about how sad yout kids will be if you damage the relationship with their grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:*Yawn*. You sound really dramatic.

Quit trying to provoke people and get a life.

*Yawn*. You sound really dramatic.