Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

Except that for the price of a weekly babysitter, they could both get to relax more. She could do something more fun during the day, and he could go out after work. They could even have some evenings as a family. They can literally buy happiness here, so why not.

Except that the babysitter would only reduce her obligation, not his. She still wants him to do as much as he is now, she just wants to have free time while he works.

So hire the babysitter on the weekend and both parents get a break to do whatever they want. This isn’t that hard. OP is just being a cheap bastard.

That doesn't give the wife the additional time she wants. OP already offers the wife whatever free time she wants during his non-working hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

Except that for the price of a weekly babysitter, they could both get to relax more. She could do something more fun during the day, and he could go out after work. They could even have some evenings as a family. They can literally buy happiness here, so why not.

Except that the babysitter would only reduce her obligation, not his. She still wants him to do as much as he is now, she just wants to have free time while he works.

So hire the babysitter on the weekend and both parents get a break to do whatever they want. This isn’t that hard. OP is just being a cheap bastard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

Except that for the price of a weekly babysitter, they could both get to relax more. She could do something more fun during the day, and he could go out after work. They could even have some evenings as a family. They can literally buy happiness here, so why not.

Except that the babysitter would only reduce her obligation, not his. She still wants him to do as much as he is now, she just wants to have free time while he works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

Did no one understand that is an expense that cannot be justified on the OP's current income. If the wife wants to work and earn the money for a babysitter, sure, but, sometimes we can't afford that really means that we can't afford that.

They have an income of 90K in a low cost of living place, and OP describes their financial situation as "fine." They can cut down in other areas of spending and find $100 a week for babysitting. I would not say this if their financial situation was precarious, but clearly this is an expense they can prioritize and cover. And it will be so much cheaper than divorce (been there and I know!).

I have a similar HHI and $ 100 per week is absolutely a big deal. If the DW doesn't want to care for the child herself, why can't she go back to work to pay for child care? Is there just some generic assumption here that women don't need to work?

It's less than the cost of marriage counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

Except that for the price of a weekly babysitter, they could both get to relax more. She could do something more fun during the day, and he could go out after work. They could even have some evenings as a family. They can literally buy happiness here, so why not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

Did no one understand that is an expense that cannot be justified on the OP's current income. If the wife wants to work and earn the money for a babysitter, sure, but, sometimes we can't afford that really means that we can't afford that.

They have an income of 90K in a low cost of living place, and OP describes their financial situation as "fine." They can cut down in other areas of spending and find $100 a week for babysitting. I would not say this if their financial situation was precarious, but clearly this is an expense they can prioritize and cover. And it will be so much cheaper than divorce (been there and I know!).

I have a similar HHI and $ 100 per week is absolutely a big deal. If the DW doesn't want to care for the child herself, why can't she go back to work to pay for child care? Is there just some generic assumption here that women don't need to work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your wife relax a bit/time to herself during toddler's nap time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes being overwhelmed by toddler = lack of socializing. Does your wife have mom friends/much social interaction during the day? Maybe what she needs is not more alone time, and when you get home, that's why she doesn't want to leave the kid with you, because she wants to socialize with you, as her only outlet?

Op here. My wife is super social. She has tons friends and activities. They swim, go to museums, the zoo, farms, friends houses, library story time and we have a membership to an indoor playground.

Have you ever been on a toddler playdate? They're typically not social outings for the adults, you get to chat a little bit but your conversation is constantly being interrupted by your child and their needs. Playdates don't really become relaxing social time for the moms until the kids are old enough to play relatively unsupervised.

This is BS. Toddler playdates are not exactly like going to a spa, but they are pretty low key and if you enjoy socializing, are perfectly pleasant to pass the time.

Says someone who has never been on a toddler playdate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

Did no one understand that is an expense that cannot be justified on the OP's current income. If the wife wants to work and earn the money for a babysitter, sure, but, sometimes we can't afford that really means that we can't afford that.

They have an income of 90K in a low cost of living place, and OP describes their financial situation as "fine." They can cut down in other areas of spending and find $100 a week for babysitting. I would not say this if their financial situation was precarious, but clearly this is an expense they can prioritize and cover. And it will be so much cheaper than divorce (been there and I know!).

I have a similar HHI and $ 100 per week is absolutely a big deal. If the DW doesn't want to care for the child herself, why can't she go back to work to pay for child care? Is there just some generic assumption here that women don't need to work?

She IS working. She’s caring for a toddler full time, and after hours.

I WAH AND want her my child and I still can give props.

Daycare isn’t free. Nor should her division of the labour. A WOH spouse gets to go have lunch alone with coworkers and friends. A SAH should have the same benefit, even occasionally. No, they’re not “bringing in money”, but their work should not go without cost benefit recognition.

If she has a babysitter, she isn't caring for the child. A SAH parent who takes care of their child is working. One that needs a babysitter while the spouse works is just unemployed.

Anonymous wrote:She could organize a babysitting coop.

5 moms with one child each. Meeting weekly from 10 -1. 2 moms stay with the 5 kids so they can keep each other company and confer on time-outs, etc... Other 3 moms get the three hours off to do whatever.

I started mine when DD was 18 months and did it until kids turned 4 I think.

Anonymous wrote:She could organize a babysitting coop.

5 moms with one child each. Meeting weekly from 10 -1. 2 moms stay with the 5 kids so they can keep each other company and confer on time-outs, etc... Other 3 moms get the three hours off to do whatever.

I started mine when DD was 18 months and did it until kids turned 4 I think.