Anonymous wrote:OP, you are getting some great advice here. It sounds like you are "settling" for this guy. Don't do it. Move on.


Side note question. What kind of treadmill did you get? I would love to lose 70 lbs.

If you decide to get rid of it (the treadmill) please post back, I'm short on funds and would love to take it of your hands. But it sounds like you need to get rid of the guy and keep the treadmill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously single Mom here, please don't do this to yourself or your son! You both deserve so much love. You have gone on a rough road, please don't accept any man as your husband that doesn't shower the two of you in love. Trust me I dated a lot of frogs. My (new) husband deeply cares for us and even though he cares about money, our well being would Trump and money issue.

I don't think she feels comfortable being showered in love. I think she wants a mutually beneficial relationship. One where she doesn't feel threatened. I think love threatens her.

OP, you don't have to answer this, but do answer in your mind very honestly:

- Do you want to give your whole self to a man?
- Do you want a man to give his whole self to you?
- Do you want to thrive in companionship, trust, love, affection, and an intimate sexual relationship?

- Do you fear intimacy?
- Are you sabotaging your chances at true love because you're afraid of it or don't believe in it? Or don't think you're worthy?
- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your son more than you love your own fears of intimacy?

I'm dying here. I wish you were my friend/relative so I could help protect you from a huge mistake.

I am genuinely curious why you don’t think I want love. Not being defensive at all. Just wondering what I said that made you think that.

I certainly want a fair amount of independence but I don’t think that comes at the expense of love. I do have problems with intimacy and trust. I’ll admit that. But what divorces person doesn’t.

I have come a long way in loving and forgiving myself but it is a work in progress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

I had this thought about your post title, too. Who or what gave you the idea that your response to his behavior is grouchy or overly sensitive? That's really worth thinking about. This kind of self-doubt and not having solid expectations about how someone treats you means that you're at risk of being with someone who doesn't treat you well enough. I'm concerned about what you've described.

I guess my confidence isn’t what it should be. My initial reaction is always “who the hell does he think he is” but then I start to question my reaction and he starts to put on a guilt trip about “he is just trying to be sensible and frugal and what’s wrong with that.” I need to have more confidence.

What you need is more independence and less co-dependence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost 70 pounds. Does he appreciate that? Does he treat you better? If no, time for a new relationship.

My DH doesn't believe in psychologists and psychiatrists nor speech therapists. He gave me a lot of pushback, and it wasn't about the cost but time and effort wasted. My son needs speech therapy and it was a struggle to get him on board with that too. He's an engineer so has a logical mind, but he sure has some beliefs that I don't share. I have no doubt he loves me and our son, so this is an example I want to share with OP that maybe he simply does not believe in your son's therapy.

With that said, it does sound like you guys are going to have a lot of issues about who pays for what. Are you the only one going to pay for your kid's daycare or school costs, his food, his clothing, his activities, his toys? If yes, then yeah, he doesn't care about your son.

He didn't come out and say that he doesn't believe in therapy. The reason I viewed his behavior as passive aggressive is that he doesn't just come out and say "I think it's stupid that you're spending money on therapy." To me, that would be a more honest way, but he is smart enough to know that I would not take that well. He says about 50 other things, such as how much is it, do you really have to go once a week, when will you know if it's working, have you talked to the therapist to check on his progress, what is the incentive for the doctor to stop the therapy, and on and on and on. Coupled with his other remarks about doctors, I know what those questions mean.

I flat out asked him the other night if he thinks that therapy for my son was a waste of money and he gave me "I guess you know him better than I do and if you say he needs it, he needs it." but then immediately after that he got pissy and started saying how he is going to invest some of his money into a property in Baltimore and that would take him away on the weekends. And just like I don't like for him to micromanage my money, he doesn't like for me to micromanage his time. Mind you, I have never said anything about him investing in this property because this was the first time he told me about it.

I told him we need to have some serious conversations about expectations before we get married and that I didn't like the tit for tat nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you still have t told us what positives he brings to your life

In other ways he is extremely attentive and caring. When I am sick he is by my side getting me medicine and helping out. We do laugh a lot and enjoy similar things.

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Why would investing in property take him away?! Sorry but you guys don't sound like a functional couple.

You can do better. Getting someone medicine when they are sick and enjoying the same activities is the bare minimum for a relationship, not a reason to get married.

I would also hate his passive aggressive yet judgmental approach. Especially concerning my child,!!!!

He is buying it to flip it and wants to do the work himself. That is why. I doubt he would do it. He is just trying to prove a point in an argument.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost 70 pounds. Does he appreciate that? Does he treat you better? If no, time for a new relationship.

My DH doesn't believe in psychologists and psychiatrists nor speech therapists. He gave me a lot of pushback, and it wasn't about the cost but time and effort wasted. My son needs speech therapy and it was a struggle to get him on board with that too. He's an engineer so has a logical mind, but he sure has some beliefs that I don't share. I have no doubt he loves me and our son, so this is an example I want to share with OP that maybe he simply does not believe in your son's therapy.

With that said, it does sound like you guys are going to have a lot of issues about who pays for what. Are you the only one going to pay for your kid's daycare or school costs, his food, his clothing, his activities, his toys? If yes, then yeah, he doesn't care about your son.

He didn't come out and say that he doesn't believe in therapy. The reason I viewed his behavior as passive aggressive is that he doesn't just come out and say "I think it's stupid that you're spending money on therapy." To me, that would be a more honest way, but he is smart enough to know that I would not take that well. He says about 50 other things, such as how much is it, do you really have to go once a week, when will you know if it's working, have you talked to the therapist to check on his progress, what is the incentive for the doctor to stop the therapy, and on and on and on. Coupled with his other remarks about doctors, I know what those questions mean.

I flat out asked him the other night if he thinks that therapy for my son was a waste of money and he gave me "I guess you know him better than I do and if you say he needs it, he needs it." but then immediately after that he got pissy and started saying how he is going to invest some of his money into a property in Baltimore and that would take him away on the weekends. And just like I don't like for him to micromanage my money, he doesn't like for me to micromanage his time. Mind you, I have never said anything about him investing in this property because this was the first time he told me about it.

I told him we need to have some serious conversations about expectations before we get married and that I didn't like the tit for tat nonsense.