Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Thought of OP today as I had a day off from my job that I hate for the first time in months. So I was out on the first 70 degree day in a while. Went grocery shopping which took all of 45 min including driving to and from since stores are empty mid day on weekdays and you don’t fight for parking and then took myself out to lunch. Found myself thinking – who wouldn’t want this!? Alas not going to happen for me as I’m 37 and while I’ve made money and thus could contribute a lot to a home/retirement/college, I’m not at all attractive, but honestly OP go for it.

I know you say you want that but after making $$$ for 15 yrs, trust me grocery shopping wouldn’t be fulfilling.

I worked for 15 years and struggled with work life balance. I now have a new third child and very happy. I’d estimate 80% of my job was bs and 20% enjoyable. Being stuck in an office and sticking your kid in daycare when it’s gorgeous out or seeing friends on vacation was far worse. I met DH for lunch today with the baby. Will meet my older kids at the bus stop with the baby in 2 hours. Don’t have to worry about running out of PTO for spring break. Life is good.

I had fun in college and grad school. Worked for a decade before kids. Jugged work life balance for 5 years before staying home full time.

Every choice has its upsides and downsides.

Anonymous wrote:^Thought of OP today as I had a day off from my job that I hate for the first time in months. So I was out on the first 70 degree day in a while. Went grocery shopping which took all of 45 min including driving to and from since stores are empty mid day on weekdays and you don’t fight for parking and then took myself out to lunch. Found myself thinking – who wouldn’t want this!? Alas not going to happen for me as I’m 37 and while I’ve made money and thus could contribute a lot to a home/retirement/college, I’m not at all attractive, but honestly OP go for it.

Everybody wants this but when you have kids this is not the life you get. You also have to factor in the loss of autonomy and social respect. Have you seen The 100 Years Show on Netflix? Not one man in 10 million will support a woman who has no children like that artist's husband did for decades. But he believed that her vocation as a painter was more important than other things. Even so, the fact that they were unable to have biological children played a role. Chris Rock said in Tamborine that only "women, children, and dogs can be unconditionally loved" but I have only known two SAHMs not married to wealthy men who fit that description.

Anonymous wrote:^Thought of OP today as I had a day off from my job that I hate for the first time in months. So I was out on the first 70 degree day in a while. Went grocery shopping which took all of 45 min including driving to and from since stores are empty mid day on weekdays and you don’t fight for parking and then took myself out to lunch. Found myself thinking – who wouldn’t want this!? Alas not going to happen for me as I’m 37 and while I’ve made money and thus could contribute a lot to a home/retirement/college, I’m not at all attractive, but honestly OP go for it.

I know you say you want that but after making $$$ for 15 yrs, trust me grocery shopping wouldn’t be fulfilling.

^Thought of OP today as I had a day off from my job that I hate for the first time in months. So I was out on the first 70 degree day in a while. Went grocery shopping which took all of 45 min including driving to and from since stores are empty mid day on weekdays and you don’t fight for parking and then took myself out to lunch. Found myself thinking – who wouldn’t want this!? Alas not going to happen for me as I’m 37 and while I’ve made money and thus could contribute a lot to a home/retirement/college, I’m not at all attractive, but honestly OP go for it.

OP, I've been thinking about you all day as I washed clothes, attended a school event, picked up my kids, helped them with their homework, gave the feverish one medicine. It hurts to think about someone else hurtling down that wrong path. Is there a specific reason you want to SAH? All I will say is it is a bad idea to get married if you are not excited and joyful about the direction in which your life is heading. I would not commit to any serious relationship if there were something in my life that was keeping me from being my best self. Unfulfilling career, intense anxiety, alcohol/drug/food dependency, rage outbursts, even a general sense of lacking direction. What are you so certain that marriage is going to bring you that you can't get while single? I assumed marriage would guarantee me passionate, frequent sex with a loving companion. I never dreamed that lack of sex would fundamentally alter my ability to be a loving partner. I sought validation through my spouse, not realizing that my infinite need for it made giving it to me a nearly impossible task. I thought marriage meant the end of being lonely, unaware that the loneliness in which you are prohibited from seeking deeper contact can be the worst kind. How much better I would have been had I tried to fulfill my needs outside of the conjugal institution. I should have gotten laid more, learned to value and validate myself, and to deal with the loneliness that is simply part of the human experience. Please don't repeat my mistakes. I wish so much I could have a few minutes on the phone with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, not sure you're getting good advice to pursue law firm partners. From our perspective, there is a big difference between an ivy educated now sah type (status symbol) versus everyone else sah type (dead weight). As others have said, the associates in DC want the former for sure. The partners are either already married to the former, or if not, they are divorced (comes with baggage) or never married (worse baggage). While those partners are okay with the not-ivy group, and may pursue them, it comes with some serious downsides.... first being, you're stuck with a guy who is in that pool of divorced or never married with baggage. Second being, they're never going to see you as a peer or equal. I talk to these men about the women they are dating, and there is little enthusiasm besides her hotness. The partners sometimes end up moving down the inevitable path to marriage, but they are just not that into it emotionally and are just married to their jobs and other things. OP may be okay with this, but it means you have to live in a house with someone who after about 3 years is like a roommate you occasionally have sex with, and sure as shit don't be surprised when he divorces you in 10 years. They were borderline indifferent to you when you first married, so it only goes downhill from there.

Serious question: If a woman is in her 40's with children and hasn't worked in 10-15 years, how is her ivy degree from 20 years ago a status symbol? Does it ever even come up in conversation?

Agree. Though those kinds of women and their DHs drop it in conversation at the partner events so everyone knows that Joe married a Princeton grad. But no - no one is falling all over it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how much are you expecting your future DH to earn? If you are fine with someone who makes 100k, which doesn’t go far in this area with kids, it shouldn’t be too hard. You’re young enough and you can find someone online who can buildup to that income even if they don’t make that much right now. You have to be prepared to work pretty hard at home though, and you may have to go back to work when the kids are old enough to go to school. If you want someone who makes 500+, that’s a whole different ballgame and unlikely at this point, unless you come from a rich and well connected family or are a model. You should have started looking right in college for the brilliant, ambitious types.

I was once the OP. I thought I wanted what she wanted. Then I got married to a man who makes a little over 100k in a MUCH lower cost of living place than DC, and I quickly realized that unless I was ok living with a very bare bones lifestyle and crappy housing that I better keep working, which I did. However, OP already stated that she considers her salary as a teacher "wonderful" so maybe she is more pragmatic than I.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here, are there any dating websites that are geared towards people who want the traditional roles of husbands and wives? I currently work and have a wonderful salary but I'd like to be a stay at home wife and then transition to a SAHM. I really wouldn't mind getting up before my husband and children to make breakfast and lunch, clean the house, exercise, run errands, do a bit of charity work at the church and make dinner in time for my family.

Could someone who loves this lifestyle give me pointers on how you deal with this lifestyle currently? How did you meet your husband? I'd appreciate tips. This is not a troll post, please don't treat it as such. I.AM.DEAD.SERIOUS.

SAHM here. No way you will have time for exercise or charity work until the kids are in full time school. Unless you want a nanny too?

Have your tried church groups for single adults? Most men like this tend to be religious.

+1

+2. It’s not a life of luxury. Exercise and charity work? Ha.

For exercise you join a gym that provides childcare. Or push your kids around in a stroller. It's not that complicated.

Walks aren’t really exercise in my book, I’m used to more intense exercise. The only gyms near us with childcare were fairly expensive, and like most families with a SAHP, we were on a tight budget so gymmemberships weren’t an option. I did stroller walks and things like pushups and squats around the house, but it wasn’t until DD was about 2 that I got to *really* exercise again, and even that was me waking up at 4am to go to the gym so I could get home before DD woke up. It definitely isn’t the fantasy of strolling into the gym at 10am and doing yoga with your girlfriends for 2 hours.

You were doing it wrong then. We weren't on any sort of budget crunch that precluded the $200/month gym with fantastic child/infant care. 2 hours a day of care while I worked out, steamroom, shower, cafe? Yes ma'am. Sorry, but if you are such an "intense" exerciser you are usually equipped to find ways to exercise despite the challenge. For me it meant buying a double stroller and marathoning, that was pretty inexpensive too.

$ 200 per month / $ 2400 per year is not inexpensive.

No, but I bet you can’t find me more inexpensive 14 hour care a week for multiple children. I’m also an “intense” exerciser though - so I understand that if I’m too good for walks and want childcare, I’m going to pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sugardaddy.com

I'm looking to be a wife not a prostitute, thank you.

Ha ha ha ha ha. How we delude ourselves about what is being exchanged for what! And how we are different from "those" kinds of women!

So, are you calling all women who for thousands of years "exchanged" their love, support, and nurturing for husband's resources and leadership and opportunity to have a family? Were they all prostitutes? You sound like a bitter feminist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sugardaddy.com

I'm looking to be a wife not a prostitute, thank you.

Ha ha ha ha ha. How we delude ourselves about what is being exchanged for what! And how we are different from "those" kinds of women!

OP, how much are you expecting your future DH to earn? If you are fine with someone who makes 100k, which doesn’t go far in this area with kids, it shouldn’t be too hard. You’re young enough and you can find someone online who can buildup to that income even if they don’t make that much right now. You have to be prepared to work pretty hard at home though, and you may have to go back to work when the kids are old enough to go to school. If you want someone who makes 500+, that’s a whole different ballgame and unlikely at this point, unless you come from a rich and well connected family or are a model. You should have started looking right in college for the brilliant, ambitious types.

Anonymous wrote:Eh, not sure you're getting good advice to pursue law firm partners. From our perspective, there is a big difference between an ivy educated now sah type (status symbol) versus everyone else sah type (dead weight). As others have said, the associates in DC want the former for sure. The partners are either already married to the former, or if not, they are divorced (comes with baggage) or never married (worse baggage). While those partners are okay with the not-ivy group, and may pursue them, it comes with some serious downsides.... first being, you're stuck with a guy who is in that pool of divorced or never married with baggage. Second being, they're never going to see you as a peer or equal. I talk to these men about the women they are dating, and there is little enthusiasm besides her hotness. The partners sometimes end up moving down the inevitable path to marriage, but they are just not that into it emotionally and are just married to their jobs and other things. OP may be okay with this, but it means you have to live in a house with someone who after about 3 years is like a roommate you occasionally have sex with, and sure as shit don't be surprised when he divorces you in 10 years. They were borderline indifferent to you when you first married, so it only goes downhill from there.

Serious question: If a woman is in her 40's with children and hasn't worked in 10-15 years, how is her ivy degree from 20 years ago a status symbol? Does it ever even come up in conversation?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here, are there any dating websites that are geared towards people who want the traditional roles of husbands and wives? I currently work and have a wonderful salary but I'd like to be a stay at home wife and then transition to a SAHM. I really wouldn't mind getting up before my husband and children to make breakfast and lunch, clean the house, exercise, run errands, do a bit of charity work at the church and make dinner in time for my family.

Could someone who loves this lifestyle give me pointers on how you deal with this lifestyle currently? How did you meet your husband? I'd appreciate tips. This is not a troll post, please don't treat it as such. I.AM.DEAD.SERIOUS.

SAHM here. No way you will have time for exercise or charity work until the kids are in full time school. Unless you want a nanny too?

Have your tried church groups for single adults? Most men like this tend to be religious.

+1

+2. It’s not a life of luxury. Exercise and charity work? Ha.

For exercise you join a gym that provides childcare. Or push your kids around in a stroller. It's not that complicated.

Walks aren’t really exercise in my book, I’m used to more intense exercise. The only gyms near us with childcare were fairly expensive, and like most families with a SAHP, we were on a tight budget so gymmemberships weren’t an option. I did stroller walks and things like pushups and squats around the house, but it wasn’t until DD was about 2 that I got to *really* exercise again, and even that was me waking up at 4am to go to the gym so I could get home before DD woke up. It definitely isn’t the fantasy of strolling into the gym at 10am and doing yoga with your girlfriends for 2 hours.

You were doing it wrong then. We weren't on any sort of budget crunch that precluded the $200/month gym with fantastic child/infant care. 2 hours a day of care while I worked out, steamroom, shower, cafe? Yes ma'am. Sorry, but if you are such an "intense" exerciser you are usually equipped to find ways to exercise despite the challenge. For me it meant buying a double stroller and marathoning, that was pretty inexpensive too.

$ 200 per month / $ 2400 per year is not inexpensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, are there any dating websites that are geared towards people who want the traditional roles of husbands and wives? I currently work and have a wonderful salary but I'd like to be a stay at home wife and then transition to a SAHM. I really wouldn't mind getting up before my husband and children to make breakfast and lunch, clean the house, exercise, run errands, do a bit of charity work at the church and make dinner in time for my family.

Could someone who loves this lifestyle give me pointers on how you deal with this lifestyle currently? How did you meet your husband? I'd appreciate tips. This is not a troll post, please don't treat it as such. I.AM.DEAD.SERIOUS.

SAHM here. No way you will have time for exercise or charity work until the kids are in full time school. Unless you want a nanny too?

Have your tried church groups for single adults? Most men like this tend to be religious.

+1

+2. It’s not a life of luxury. Exercise and charity work? Ha.

For exercise you join a gym that provides childcare. Or push your kids around in a stroller. It's not that complicated.

Walks aren’t really exercise in my book, I’m used to more intense exercise. The only gyms near us with childcare were fairly expensive, and like most families with a SAHP, we were on a tight budget so gymmemberships weren’t an option. I did stroller walks and things like pushups and squats around the house, but it wasn’t until DD was about 2 that I got to *really* exercise again, and even that was me waking up at 4am to go to the gym so I could get home before DD woke up. It definitely isn’t the fantasy of strolling into the gym at 10am and doing yoga with your girlfriends for 2 hours.

You were doing it wrong then. We weren't on any sort of budget crunch that precluded the $200/month gym with fantastic child/infant care. 2 hours a day of care while I worked out, steamroom, shower, cafe? Yes ma'am. Sorry, but if you are such an "intense" exerciser you are usually equipped to find ways to exercise despite the challenge. For me it meant buying a double stroller and marathoning, that was pretty inexpensive too.