Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 01:41     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My husband talked to them last night. They immediately said they were sorry to have startled me, offered to give the key back, etc. DH told them to keep the key in case of emergencies, but that they absolutely need to call first if plans change in the future. He also said if a different arrival time works better for future visits, that's fine, we just need to know.

The only weird thing is, they never explained why they arrived so early. DH didn't seem to push the issue, which is fine, but I am still wondering why they came several hours early. But it's fine, it's all settled, so we're moving on.


You can always ask them, next time you see them. They will probably apologize to you anyway (at least they SHOULD), so that would be your chance to say, "yeah, it was a bit surprising. I could have been walking around naked! At least we have an understanding now. Why were you six hours early, anyway? Did something happen?"
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 01:35     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe anyone is defending this. This is NOT okay! They didn't just arrive early bc they were trying to get ahead of traffic. They literally arrived 6 hours before they were scheduled to arrive. That means that they should have been leaving their home to start the drive 2 hours after they arrived at OP's door. They absolutely knew they would be arriving early but didn't have the common courtesy or decency to give OP a heads up. It wasn't due to traffic patterns or not stopping for lunch. During the 4 hour drive the passenger (MIL or FIL) didn't think to let OP or her DH know that they were leaving HOURS earlier than planned and would therefore be arriving 6 hours ahead of schedule? Yeah. Completely rude and disrespectful. Shows a total disregard for OP and her DH.

I'd be really ticked off and would definitely change the locks.


The only people defending this are the ones who would do it themselves.

I'm also surprised that on a forum full of lawyers nobody has yet pointed it out that it's actually illegal, too. You can't just waltz into someone's house whenever you feel like it because you were given a key to use under another set of circumstances.


I'd like to see the prosecutor that charges elderly parents for using a key given to them by their son to enter their son's house.


That doesn't make it legal.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 01:23     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
I'm glad it is resolved OP. I am very curious about why they came so early, and wonder if they have done this in the past. I don't think a big conversation about boundaries and changing the keys is necessary, but it is just very strange that they would think it's okay to plan to come early when they thought the house would be empty.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 00:56     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe anyone is defending this. This is NOT okay! They didn't just arrive early bc they were trying to get ahead of traffic. They literally arrived 6 hours before they were scheduled to arrive. That means that they should have been leaving their home to start the drive 2 hours after they arrived at OP's door. They absolutely knew they would be arriving early but didn't have the common courtesy or decency to give OP a heads up. It wasn't due to traffic patterns or not stopping for lunch. During the 4 hour drive the passenger (MIL or FIL) didn't think to let OP or her DH know that they were leaving HOURS earlier than planned and would therefore be arriving 6 hours ahead of schedule? Yeah. Completely rude and disrespectful. Shows a total disregard for OP and her DH.

I'd be really ticked off and would definitely change the locks.


The only people defending this are the ones who would do it themselves.

I'm also surprised that on a forum full of lawyers nobody has yet pointed it out that it's actually illegal, too. You can't just waltz into someone's house whenever you feel like it because you were given a key to use under another set of circumstances.


I'd like to see the prosecutor that charges elderly parents for using a key given to them by their son to enter their son's house.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 00:45     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe anyone is defending this. This is NOT okay! They didn't just arrive early bc they were trying to get ahead of traffic. They literally arrived 6 hours before they were scheduled to arrive. That means that they should have been leaving their home to start the drive 2 hours after they arrived at OP's door. They absolutely knew they would be arriving early but didn't have the common courtesy or decency to give OP a heads up. It wasn't due to traffic patterns or not stopping for lunch. During the 4 hour drive the passenger (MIL or FIL) didn't think to let OP or her DH know that they were leaving HOURS earlier than planned and would therefore be arriving 6 hours ahead of schedule? Yeah. Completely rude and disrespectful. Shows a total disregard for OP and her DH.

I'd be really ticked off and would definitely change the locks.


The only people defending this are the ones who would do it themselves.

I'm also surprised that on a forum full of lawyers nobody has yet pointed it out that it's actually illegal, too. You can't just waltz into someone's house whenever you feel like it because you were given a key to use under another set of circumstances.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2018 00:02     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:Both the entering the house unannounced AND the showing up early are inconsiderate. My ILs don't have a key, but they are not that good about giving us valid ETAs (despite constantly wanting updates when we are heading to their place).

The last time they came, supposedly arriving at 3 pm, I was 20 minutes from home and heading to errands another 25 minutes away when my husband texted and said they were standing outside our house waiting for someone to let them in at 12:30. I mean, wtf? I had to abandon several hours of errands and turn around immediately. And my MIL has no problem using her cell phone to text when she wants something.


I would have sent them to Starbucks or the library. Then called DH to deal.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 23:06     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
I cannot believe anyone is defending this. This is NOT okay! They didn't just arrive early bc they were trying to get ahead of traffic. They literally arrived 6 hours before they were scheduled to arrive. That means that they should have been leaving their home to start the drive 2 hours after they arrived at OP's door. They absolutely knew they would be arriving early but didn't have the common courtesy or decency to give OP a heads up. It wasn't due to traffic patterns or not stopping for lunch. During the 4 hour drive the passenger (MIL or FIL) didn't think to let OP or her DH know that they were leaving HOURS earlier than planned and would therefore be arriving 6 hours ahead of schedule? Yeah. Completely rude and disrespectful. Shows a total disregard for OP and her DH.

I'd be really ticked off and would definitely change the locks.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 20:27     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi Op. I would feel the same way as you. There was no reason they couldn't call or text as a courtesy to let you or your DH know they would be arriving much earlier than planned. However, to keep the peace, I think this is something DH will have to address.


+1

I wouldn't start a war over this but I would definitely talk to them about it rather than assuming they understand your boundaries.


Arriving much earlier than planned (when it's a 4 hour drive and you arrive 6 hours ahead of schedule) is almost certainly not the "emergency" that OP had in mind when she gave them a key for emergencies only. They should hang out in TJs for the day, if they choose to leave their house at the crack of dawn. OP isn't obligated to let them into her house earlier than the agreed upon time (whether she's there or not, working or relaxing, whatever) and she also has the right to not be surprised in her own home. What if she was doing something that she didn't want people to see? Her ILs are terribly rude, and I'd have DH talk to them about not arriving early again as a matter of respect for other people's time, but also change the lock so they can't accidentally forget common courtesy again.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 20:22     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:Hi Op. I would feel the same way as you. There was no reason they couldn't call or text as a courtesy to let you or your DH know they would be arriving much earlier than planned. However, to keep the peace, I think this is something DH will have to address.


+1

I wouldn't start a war over this but I would definitely talk to them about it rather than assuming they understand your boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 20:16     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Haven't read all the replies, but I'd find this super weird, super obnoxious and super creepy.

Our lock would be changed tomorrow. And they definitely wouldn't be getting a new key.

If it's a serious emergency (medical issue etc) then I'd rather someone break a window and me need to replace it later than having someone feel free to let themselves into my house whenever they feel like it.

Or just get a code lock and then you can tell someone a (temporary for emergencies, to be immediately changed) code to unlock if required.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 19:31     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Both the entering the house unannounced AND the showing up early are inconsiderate. My ILs don't have a key, but they are not that good about giving us valid ETAs (despite constantly wanting updates when we are heading to their place).

The last time they came, supposedly arriving at 3 pm, I was 20 minutes from home and heading to errands another 25 minutes away when my husband texted and said they were standing outside our house waiting for someone to let them in at 12:30. I mean, wtf? I had to abandon several hours of errands and turn around immediately. And my MIL has no problem using her cell phone to text when she wants something.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 18:35     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Anonymous wrote:They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?


How about knocking first?
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 18:05     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
No reason at all why they didn't call or text.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 15:18     Subject: Re:How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
Install an alarm system (a good idea anyway). Don't give them the code.
Anonymous
Post 02/09/2018 14:47     Subject: How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced
I really hope those of you saying it is OK to enter someone's house without knocking, and without notifying them, when you have only been given a key for emergencies seriously rethink this behavior before you become ILs! Or someone's neighbor!