Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 15:35     Subject: Re:Help me get past his affair
OP here. DH and I have started seeing a couples therapist and have both said we want to stay together, improve communication, and end up stronger on the other side. He regrets what he did, agrees it was a selfish mistake, and says he wants to rebuild my trust. I have good days and bad days, and realize it will take time to heal. We also have no idea what is happening with the other couple's marriage, and I am really curious if they will stay together. If/when he hears from her, I will know immediately. Then he knows he must break off the friendship altogether.

I absolutely do NOT want the chaos of divorce. I saw a sibling go through a divorce three years ago and it terrified me, and they had no children! If he fails to motivate himself into a better man and betrays me again, then I would be much more likely to split up. But for now, I'm choosing to trust and rebuild.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 13:52     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.


You are assuming that they did NOT have an honest discussion. OP admitted that she was avoiding a resolution to the problem. How long should the spouse be given to ponder an important aspect of their marriage? Weeks, months, or years. The burden of this does not fall on one person's shoulders. You do not know what he did to address the issue.


Maybe they did have an honest discussion about sexual differences and OP did avoid resolution. The next step would be for the cheating spouse to say "we have not been able to improve our sex life nor have we been able to negotiate an open marriage, therefore I am filing for divorce."

There is no answer to "how long should a spouse be given to ponder the marriage". For me, I gave my husband a year to demonstrate that he had some remorse for his cheating and to get into therapy and be able to tell the truth about what he did and explain why he felt the need to do it. I accepted his efforts in to repair the marriage and moved on, but found out only 9 months later that he had told some big lies to make it seem like what he did was less problematic than it really was. After that -- time's up. I no longer consented to be in any kind of relationship with him and asked him to leave the house. He didn't get any more time to "ponder the important aspects of" his marriage.

It is the same for the spouse who is not getting sex -- you can choose how long to live with it, how to try to engage your spouse to reignite the sex life and what you want to do with it within the limits of honesty and consent. What you cannot do, is lie to your spouse about being monogamous in order to manipulate her into staying in a marriage, the terms of which she has not knowingly consented to.



All of which we do not know. We do not know if the DH asked for divorce, or if he tried. When people are under duress, they will often turn to what is easiest for relief. In this case, it was a friend's wife. Personally, I wish divorce wasn't so stigmatized. I cannot imaging waking up with a sexual urge everyday and having someone next to you who is supposed to help fulfill those needs as a couple. We deny essential parts of ourselves as humans to go along with puritanical notions of fidelity and marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 12:52     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.


You are assuming that they did NOT have an honest discussion. OP admitted that she was avoiding a resolution to the problem. How long should the spouse be given to ponder an important aspect of their marriage? Weeks, months, or years. The burden of this does not fall on one person's shoulders. You do not know what he did to address the issue.


Maybe they did have an honest discussion about sexual differences and OP did avoid resolution. The next step would be for the cheating spouse to say "we have not been able to improve our sex life nor have we been able to negotiate an open marriage, therefore I am filing for divorce."

There is no answer to "how long should a spouse be given to ponder the marriage". For me, I gave my husband a year to demonstrate that he had some remorse for his cheating and to get into therapy and be able to tell the truth about what he did and explain why he felt the need to do it. I accepted his efforts in to repair the marriage and moved on, but found out only 9 months later that he had told some big lies to make it seem like what he did was less problematic than it really was. After that -- time's up. I no longer consented to be in any kind of relationship with him and asked him to leave the house. He didn't get any more time to "ponder the important aspects of" his marriage.

It is the same for the spouse who is not getting sex -- you can choose how long to live with it, how to try to engage your spouse to reignite the sex life and what you want to do with it within the limits of honesty and consent. What you cannot do, is lie to your spouse about being monogamous in order to manipulate her into staying in a marriage, the terms of which she has not knowingly consented to.

Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 12:37     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.


You are assuming that they did NOT have an honest discussion. OP admitted that she was avoiding a resolution to the problem. How long should the spouse be given to ponder an important aspect of their marriage? Weeks, months, or years. The burden of this does not fall on one person's shoulders. You do not know what he did to address the issue.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 11:23     Subject: Re:Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

This!!
People get some self respect.


Please. Self respect will not fix the turmoil that divorce can create in her life.

Look, I am a woman who will never cheat on my husband. But I understand sexual urges. These things are wild.
Maybe her husband is the one who does not have self respect. or maybe he thought that he could get away with it(his wife would forgive him or something like that)

Is he stupid? probably. Is he selfish? Probably. It still does not mean that Op and her kids are better off without him.

Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 11:15     Subject: Re:Help me get past his affair
I don't think I would get past it. The relationship has changed forever. It does not mean that it is doomed. Many other seemingly neutral things can happen in a relationship to change it. The thing that changed yours happens to really suck- an affair.

But if he is otherwise a great husband and father, stay for your kids and for yourself. You don't need the hassle of divorce, custody and all that bullshit. Your kids don't need it either.

Going forward you can be friends with your husband, and love him and have amazing sex with him. Just don't trust him too much. If he cannot accept that(and accept the fact that you will be suspicious of him going forward, let him decide what he wants to do.

Affairs don't just happen. There is either a discipline issue or the guy weighed his options and decided the risk was worth the reward. Either way it says something about him.


I would stay. However, my husband better be ready for my suspicions and steps we'd put in place to help him avoid cheating again.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 07:04     Subject: Re:Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:Really would love to know if the best friend has found out yet.


up thread OP said BFF called DH and said you're dead to me. Clearly BFF knows
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 06:50     Subject: Re:Help me get past his affair
Really would love to know if the best friend has found out yet.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2018 02:44     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2018 20:15     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:Curious how it’s going OP. Still think your marriage can be saved and made healthy? How is his best friend doing?


+1

Op, how are you? I hoped you are well and taking care of yourself. Please give an update when you can.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2018 13:06     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Curious how it’s going OP. Still think your marriage can be saved and made healthy? How is his best friend doing?
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 17:23     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


You have no reason to think that he is even interested in OP sleeping with other men. He is ten years older than her maybe she isn’t interested in sec because her husband is old. Or are you of the impression an open marriage should just be open for the men?


+1 to your IDing the inherent sexism in the description of open marriage. In negotiating for an open marriage OP's sexual needs have to be as important and as fulfilled as her DH's, which has clearly never been the case in her marriage otherwise she wouldn't be so disinterested.

For example, my sexual need is for monogamy. Only within monogamous sex am I able to have the securing, trusting and intimate foundation I need to experience sexual fulfillment. For me, an open marriage meant that DH and I would stop sleeping with each other and seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage but remain committed to being life family partners. For DH, open marriage meant that he would be able to sleep with me and with women outside the marriage; he didn't like the idea that I also would be able to sleep with other people.

Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 17:03     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.


You have no reason to think that he is even interested in OP sleeping with other men. He is ten years older than her maybe she isn’t interested in sec because her husband is old. Or are you of the impression an open marriage should just be open for the men?
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:54     Subject: Help me get past his affair
Anonymous wrote:Really surprised how this thread has emphasized the incompatibility in sexual appetite and completely ignored the ginormous lies - to two key relationships, wife and good friend - the DH must have had to tell to be able to carry on his affair.

There is no possibility to address any sexual incompatibility when one person is lying about their sexual needs and behavior.

OP, this marriage is likely over not because there is sexual incompatibility, but because one partner has a demonstrated pattern of dealing with sexual incompatibility by lying and covering up.

The odds that your DH can summon the tremendous will and insight that it takes to talk about and negotiate sexual incompatibility (both his for you and yours for him) are extremely slim. People always focus on whether the affair details were voluntarily disclosed, because voluntary disclosure is reflective ability to tell (and hear) unpalatable truths, and that is the same quality necessary to fix a ruptured relationship.

This. Although I suspect the ppl focusing on the sexual incompatibility and ignoring who he chose as an AP is just the same person.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:52     Subject: Help me get past his affair
PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.