Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

If he really makes 900K/year, the OP can have a clean house, hot meals and clean kids without lifting a finger. You get staff to handle that.

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

Anonymous wrote:If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.