Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

You are totally missing the point. Your H NEVER says thanks to her but he expects a thanks. Do you get it. But he wants a thanks for doing less than the minimum.

Also, really ... stop doing your adult H laundry. You really need to teach your kids that adults do their own laundry. This is not "one less load" because he will eventually have to do it because he needs clothes.

God help me if we need to thank adults for doing their own laundry.

I really don't think you understand family dynamic if you think you have to bow down to your H for every single solitary contribution. Actually, he must do so little if you thank him for everything. I would be saying "thank you" 20 times a day.

Thanks for putting your cup in the sink.
Thanks for cleaning your own clothes.
Thanks for shaving.
Thanks for flushing the toilet.
Thanks for hugging the children this am.
Thanks for carrying your brief case to the car.
Thanks for bringing the mail in.
Thanks for putting your trash in the trashcan.
Thanks for taking the dog out.
Thanks for calling to say you forgot to feed the dog.
Thanks for turning off the tv.
Thanks for going to work.
Thanks for coming home from work.
Thanks for saying hi to me.
Thanks for telling our son his friend is at the door.
Thanks for turning off the lights before we went to bed.

Yep, I'll continue to do my DH's laundry. And he does mine. I don't think you get it, actually. I agree, it isn't fair for OP's H to expect thanks and not give it himself. I do thank my husband for a lot of those things on your list. Thanks for taking the dog out, shutting off the TV, turning off the light, calling to say you forgot something, bringing the mail in. I do all those things. I think maybe your relationships aren't built on mutual respect? I respect his time, and when he goes out of his way to do something, I say thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

You are totally missing the point. Your H NEVER says thanks to her but he expects a thanks. Do you get it. But he wants a thanks for doing less than the minimum.

Also, really ... stop doing your adult H laundry. You really need to teach your kids that adults do their own laundry. This is not "one less load" because he will eventually have to do it because he needs clothes.

God help me if we need to thank adults for doing their own laundry.

I really don't think you understand family dynamic if you think you have to bow down to your H for every single solitary contribution. Actually, he must do so little if you thank him for everything. I would be saying "thank you" 20 times a day.

Thanks for putting your cup in the sink.
Thanks for cleaning your own clothes.
Thanks for shaving.
Thanks for flushing the toilet.
Thanks for hugging the children this am.
Thanks for carrying your brief case to the car.
Thanks for bringing the mail in.
Thanks for putting your trash in the trashcan.
Thanks for taking the dog out.
Thanks for calling to say you forgot to feed the dog.
Thanks for turning off the tv.
Thanks for going to work.
Thanks for coming home from work.
Thanks for saying hi to me.
Thanks for telling our son his friend is at the door.
Thanks for turning off the lights before we went to bed.

Yep, I'll continue to do my DH's laundry. And he does mine. I don't think you get it, actually. I agree, it isn't fair for OP's H to expect thanks and not give it himself. I do thank my husband for a lot of those things on your list. Thanks for taking the dog out, shutting off the TV, turning off the light, calling to say you forgot something, bringing the mail in. I do all those things. I think maybe your relationships aren't built on mutual respect? I respect his time, and when he goes out of his way to do something, I say thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank my spouse. You thank folks at wor, a stranger who holds the door for you. Why in the hell would thanking a spouse be problematic. Think people. What's lacking in our world is basic human kindness.

You missed the point. He is not holding the door for her.

He is holding the door for somebody else and wants her to thank him.

PP, do you live alone? Because there are a lot of things that my husband does for someone/something else (bathing a kid, feeding a dog, etc.) that mean that then I don't have to do it. So yes, he gets a thanks for that. Even though he did it for someone else. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?

We are not talking about you. How is that so hard for you to grasp.

The OP's scenario is that she does almost every single solitary thing with no thanks.

Then when the H does anything he wants a thanks. Really it is easier for me to take his cup to the sink than to stroke his ego every time he does it.

Now if he genuinely did something for her... make her a cup of coffee, rub her feet, fill up her car with a tank of gas, tell her to go to bed and do everything (dishes, bedtime routine, clean up house) etc... yes say thank you.

But doing the mundane... not, it does not deserve a thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

You are totally missing the point. Your H NEVER says thanks to her but he expects a thanks. Do you get it. But he wants a thanks for doing less than the minimum.

Also, really ... stop doing your adult H laundry. You really need to teach your kids that adults do their own laundry. This is not "one less load" because he will eventually have to do it because he needs clothes.

God help me if we need to thank adults for doing their own laundry.

I really don't think you understand family dynamic if you think you have to bow down to your H for every single solitary contribution. Actually, he must do so little if you thank him for everything. I would be saying "thank you" 20 times a day.

Thanks for putting your cup in the sink.
Thanks for cleaning your own clothes.
Thanks for shaving.
Thanks for flushing the toilet.
Thanks for hugging the children this am.
Thanks for carrying your brief case to the car.
Thanks for bringing the mail in.
Thanks for putting your trash in the trashcan.
Thanks for taking the dog out.
Thanks for calling to say you forgot to feed the dog.
Thanks for turning off the tv.
Thanks for going to work.
Thanks for coming home from work.
Thanks for saying hi to me.
Thanks for telling our son his friend is at the door.
Thanks for turning off the lights before we went to bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank my spouse. You thank folks at wor, a stranger who holds the door for you. Why in the hell would thanking a spouse be problematic. Think people. What's lacking in our world is basic human kindness.

You missed the point. He is not holding the door for her.

He is holding the door for somebody else and wants her to thank him.

PP, do you live alone? Because there are a lot of things that my husband does for someone/something else (bathing a kid, feeding a dog, etc.) that mean that then I don't have to do it. So yes, he gets a thanks for that. Even though he did it for someone else. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

I will give you some credit for this. I took a seminar once about being efficient and the guy said to not send an email that simply says "thank you," so I rarely do. If someone sent me something that I had requested, then I will make an effort to say something more than just a thanks, but I personally delete any email saying only "thanks/thank you" immediately and am more annoyed that I had to delete it than I am happy to have received it. However, I think in real life, it's different. Also, if I sent someone at work things all the time and they never responded, I might stop sending them things, so I'm not saying to never email a thanks, just don't do it every single time someone write something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank my spouse. You thank folks at wor, a stranger who holds the door for you. Why in the hell would thanking a spouse be problematic. Think people. What's lacking in our world is basic human kindness.

You missed the point. He is not holding the door for her.

He is holding the door for somebody else and wants her to thank him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I am understanding little kids who don't seem to know how to say thank you. They grow up in families where the parents never say it to each other!

Exactly! My nieces and nephews never say thank you (for example, when we're at the beach for a week and I make them a sandwich and hand it to them). It drives me crazy! My kids say thank you every time someone gives them something. It takes a nanosecond and lets people know they've been noticed.

Yes. Funny, though, I have a problem with ONE of my children and not the other. It is an automatic response for one, and a labor for the other. To be fair, it has also taken a long time for my spouse to get on board with the please/thank you thing. I keep trying to pound into the kid's heads that saying please and thank you isn't just polite, it is good for them -- nobody continues to give gifts to annoying, thankless children.

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank my spouse. You thank folks at wor, a stranger who holds the door for you. Why in the hell would thanking a spouse be problematic. Think people. What's lacking in our world is basic human kindness.

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Anonymous wrote:I think that the real issue is the need for things to be equal.

I grew up with parents who both thanked each other. They had a pretty traditional relationship, but if one parent did something that benefited the whole family, the other one would thank them. "Thanks for dinner, that was delicious", "Thanks for mowing the lawn", "Thanks for taking the trash out". Since it was both ways, then it worked fine. Now, if Mom is thanking Dad, but not the reverse? Then you have a problem.