Paternal uncertainty is a bitch. Test early. Test often LOL

My son, his wife and baby, my daughter, husband and I went down for Thanksgiving. We have all grown close. The sisters in laws are all amazing and brothers/their kids and grandkids are just a blessing to know and love. My son/his family and my husband had never met them. It was an enjoyable and blessed time for all.

I know that not all DNA/birth family/life changed by DNA test events turn out as a happy ending. In my case, I have been gifted with more people to love and be loved by. I have found best friends and connectiveness to people that I identify with in so many ways. This does not change my relationship to the family that I grew up with. I love them all very much. What this does give me, however, is not a family to replace, but something more like God saying, "but wait, there's more!" God has given us all plenty of space in our hearts to be capable of loving many.

This has given me compassion for those that perhaps have never known their birth family and are searching. It has made me thankful that I had a wonderful dad that I grew up with.

Yes, to be sure, it rocked my world and messed with my mind thinking that the dad that I've always known is technically my "step-dad." This does not fit my definition, however. "Dad" is something earned, a title for one that loves, cares for and brings up a child. I loved my dad very much, my world was turned upside down when he died this year.

People make mistakes and that is ok. I am not ashamed of my origin. God gave me a wonderful family on every side. The most important thing, I think, when dealing with DNA/family issues like this is to have plenty of grace, forgiveness and understanding. It's important to be ok with whatever the outcome is because the most important fact is that I (you) are here and that is world changing. It is ok to spend time trying to figure out "who you are" in relation to family. However, it can be all-consuming of your thoughts and time. Remember to be who you have become and not forsake those in your life that truly love you. My prayers are with any that read this because either they are searching themselves or have loved ones that are.

I hope that this may be a help to just one person, that it can give them hope and comfort, knowing that they are not alone.

Well, OP here again, in 4 weeks we will be back in California for Thanksgiving. This time, my son and his family are going down to meet them for the first time. We mighhhht have to sneak in a Disneyland trip!!!

So I had a person just randomly start talking to me in the store regarding a whether I had heard of any of the DNA testing places. LOL , well yes, I have. They went on to say they never knew their Father. I discussed at length the complexities of the search and thought I would put some of the key points to remember if searching for birth family.

1. Be careful when talking to anyone besides the person you believe is your parent as you do not want to throw any family into chaos. You do not know what circumstances surrounded what was going on. So tread lightly. I just said that I believed that this person may have known my parents in whatever year it was and had questions for them.
2. Prepare yourself for the fact that the person may deny or be in shock and hang up. You may even be told not to call back. Be okay with that.
3. Your children, other parent, siblings, other family, etc may not be as ready to accept this "change" in your family. Give them time to process it. At the same time, there is no shame in your origin, regardless of the circumstances. You were meant to be.
4. Always err on the side of caution. Until you know for sure the person is your parent/sibling/etc. I was fortunate enough to have details that really cemented the theory into most likely true and probable.
5. Don't give up. New DNA, new items are put online every day. Do not bypass ANYTHING. If it weren't for an article that spoke of what ended up being my eldest brother and my "shot in the dark" calling him, I probably would have never found them!
6. Choose to forgive the past, whatever the circumstances, and be thankful for your life. You cannot change it, for sure.
7. Sometimes joining a support group if people in your situation will help you get through the emotional rollercoaster that DNA tests sometimes bring forth.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do your half brothers, from your mom, say about all this? The brothers you grew up with? Do they know?

My brothers that I grew up with do not know because I do not think it is necessary. It would cause hurt that is just not necessary. It does not change that they are my brothers, 1/2 brothers or otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

Happy to hear about Thanksgiving plans.

Reminds me of an Amy Bloom story called "Love is Not a Pie." It doesn't get smaller when you love new people (new family!)

Thank you very much, today seems to be a little easier for me. I talked to my step mom at length and I feel a little more peace. He's out of pain. It's just weird that he's not here to call or talk to. Death is just a breath away I guess.

Thanksgiving is going to be fun, especially since they're all meeting my son and his family. I will have to check out Amy Bloom's book, thank you!

OP, what do your half brothers, from your mom, say about all this? The brothers you grew up with? Do they know?

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

Happy to hear about Thanksgiving plans.

Reminds me of an Amy Bloom story called "Love is Not a Pie." It doesn't get smaller when you love new people (new family!)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your bio Dad slipped your mom a Micky, raped her in a hotel room....and his family is welcoming you with a family reunion?

Wow, pp! Why do you have to be such a jerk? Did you not learn along the way- if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Especially when it is none of your concern.

Eh, as I posted above about stupid posts like that one, I just shake my head at the fact that someone has to post something so stupid because of their brokenness. I do not even give that type of post a moment to reside in my brain or my heart. It's not worth my time. Thanks, though! There are too many real issues in the world to let idiotic posts bother me

Anonymous wrote:So your bio Dad slipped your mom a Micky, raped her in a hotel room....and his family is welcoming you with a family reunion?

Wow, pp! Why do you have to be such a jerk? Did you not learn along the way- if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Especially when it is none of your concern.

My husband, daughter, son, daughter-in-law and grandchild are all going for Thanksgiving down to the So. Cali. family Thanksgiving. We will spend Christmas at home with the rest of my family. This will be a first introduction of my son and his family to everyone. I feel like my son will be surprised how very much we have in common with that side of the family. Not just looks and mannerisms but preferences, life choices, faith, etc. He really didn't say much about this when i had first told him. I basically said I felt he had a right to choose whether he wanted to know this side of the family or not. It was hard, I think, because he was so close to my dad (the one that raise me.) I gave him as much space and choice as he needed and did not push anything. When the oldest brother said the family wanted to treat us to flying down there for the family Thanksgiving and I told my son, I was surprised that he wanted to go! So, I'm certain they will talk on the phone with the family between now and then, but it's going to be a nice time!

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe s CEO would answer your phone call. The brothers are probably weary you will ask them for money.

On the contrary. The first thing I said when I was revealing that we are most likely related is that I am not wanting anything except to know the family that I didn't know I had. To understand that part of me. Something had connected even before all of this. It was comfortable. Very hard to explain.

I can't believe s CEO would answer your phone call. The brothers are probably weary you will ask them for money.

Well tomorrow I leave with my kids, husband and 2 brothers to go to my dad's funeral. My other 2 brothers will join us at the location as they are coming from the eastern part of the state. We had planned on meeting at Multnomah Falls, having a meal then hiking to the top of the waterfall, but the wildfires have all but decimated the area. All because a kid and his friends thought lighting fireworks was a good idea. Even more infuriating is that they recognized there was a possible fire but did not make a move to do anything about it. Thankfully, another hiker saw the whole thing happen.

Meanwhile, because of the highway closure, my group will be picking up lifelong friends of my stepmom at the airport and taking them with us the long route to where we are going. While we are sad that we cannot be together to reflect at the waterfall, we are more saddened by the loss of this beautiful forest, any homes or property damage to families/businesses and the emotional toll on those affected.

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the poster of a newer thread about my husband who may have a sister he never knew. We have decided he should do the DNA test. I read this with interest and I'm glad that your story has turned out so well.

My best to him! I have found myself blessed to have these new-found brothers. It is weird at first, trust me. When you realize that you've been related all along yet have such different lives and experiences. Then you start talking and realize how much you have in common. Likes..........disklikes............mannerisms. I know that I have come to realize where some of my traits came from. Please let me know if you need any help with navigating the different sites/dna tests/research, etc.