Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going on a date on Friday, but I he doesn't know that I have a child. Should I make that known on the first date or wait to see how things go first?

He should have known before the 1st date.

Again, it's only because I want him to give me a chance.

I hear you OP. First date is fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Admit"???? As in, confess to a crime?

I would absolutely tell him the first time I meet him. We come as a package deal, and I'm proud of my kids.

Oh dear, rereading that, it sounds horrible! I love my child more than anything, I just want this guy to get to know me for me first. Does that make sense?

I don't really get it - if you having a kid would be a deal-breaker, why is it better for him to find out later rather than sooner?

I agree with whoever said drop it in to conversation but don't make a big deal out of it.

Me, I can't imagine being in the dating world and not talking about my kids. And I would take it as a red flag if I ever met a guy who had kids and didn't mention it quickly, at least by 2nd date (although I'd probably ask on 1st date, because it's very relevant to the bigger picture).

She thinks that if he "gets to know her for her first" he will be so besotted that, if he had previously not wanted to date a woman with a child, he'll change his mind.

OP, it is so massively unfair to put him in the awkward position of being in the middle of a great date, then, upon being told that his date actually has one of the qualities that are a hard no for him, having to put up with the awkwardness of sitting with this person he's been flirting with all night and having to either a. be the "bad guy" and tell her why the air has changed, or b. try to end the date and then then email/tell her over the phone. It is emotional blackmail, and it is a pathetic woman's trick. And I say this as a woman.

That's ridiculous PP. If a woman with a kid is such a deal-breaker to him, he should have had in his ad (or said when he and OP first started talking) that women with a kid are a definite NO for him if that's how he feels. It's ridiculous to make OP feel bad about making him uncomfortable just because she brings up something important to her to share. She's not responsible for how he handles it, although if he handled it the way you describe that would be great info for OP that he should be a mega NO for her as well.

Man here.

It's a kid, not an STD. Mention it casually during the first date. Don't make it sound like you're ashamed. "Is having kids a dealbreaker" sounds like you've been rejected a lot in the past and are ashamed. "My kids are my world, so you need to know that upfront" is also a bit overdone and sounds like there's no room for the new person. But "I passed by XYZ the other day on the way to pick up my daughter" is the Goldilocks option.

For what it's worth, most guys assume a woman over a certain age has kids. The whole point of the first date is to find out what each person has to offer the potential relationship. If he's not interested, best to find out in the beginning.

Good luck.

Good luck op!!!

I have kids and they are wonderful but of course they are baggage to other people.
Just like their kids would be baggage to me.
Did you think others would love them as much as you do?

No. I never asked for anyone to love anyone else's children.

I just hoped they would respect them enough not to call them baggage.

I'll see him tomorrow, I'll tell him about my daughter then. Wish me luck!

I have kids and they are wonderful but of course they are baggage to other people.
Just like their kids would be baggage to me.
Did you think others would love them as much as you do?

Kids are the heaviest baggage one can have.

Nope. They are wonderful.

You, are the other hand, do not deserve to have kids anywhere near you.

Wow. Do really consider another person's kids baggage?

Do you have kids now? Are they baggage?

Not PP, but you say this in a way that makes me think you're trying to make the PP feel like a huge a-hole. Considering kids as baggage is a completely valid and reasonable opinion. Aside from the care and consideration you have to take to plan around the actual children and provide for them, there's a likelihood of dealing with some kind of ex drama. That other person is always going to be in your life. It'll never just be your little family. Maybe they're the jealous type and they will make it difficult for you to be in the children's lives or to be a stepparent. Maybe they still have feelings. Maybe the in laws are going to constantly be comparing you two. It's completely fine to NOT want to risk dealing with all that.

Both you and the prior poster are huge a$$holes. The fact you would call another person's children "baggage" is disgusting.

Neither of you answered the question about having kids now. I hope not. Your level of entitlement is so shocking you have no business being a parent, step or otherwise.

How do you deal with the widowers and widows you know who are parents? You appear so self-centered it is unlikely you would ever feel any type of empathic awareness regarding someone who lost a spouse and was left a single parent. However, please try to think away to refer to their children as something other than baggage.

You don't want to date a single parent. Fine. Call someone's child "baggage" and get called out for the complete a$$hat you are.

I wouldn't date a 41 year old man who hadn't at least been engaged! I would expect him to likely have a kid and ex.

OP drop him a text: Hey FYI I have a daughter! If you want to bail on the date I totally understand!

Don't admit it.
Deny deny deny

Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority, but it seems to me that in this case, the onus does not lie on OP to have disclosed ahead of this date that she has a kid, since this guy asked her out without finding out much about her-- ....

But what if he asked "are you married?" and she just shook her head? Or answered, "no"? The way she's so evasive (I would say dishonest) suggests that she wouldn't have offered the info when I think most people would have said something more like "I was, but not anymore..." or "nah, I haven't had time to get married because I was pretty busy until now raising my daughter". If she said she was married before, then I think it's on him to ask how long they were married, in which case that would be the time to say how many years and that her daughter was born on year whatever. But if she just said she wasn't married, people would naturally assume that she was single with no children, even if she's not young.

I bring it up before the first date. Usually in the first phone conversation.

I may be in the minority, but it seems to me that in this case, the onus does not lie on OP to have disclosed ahead of this date that she has a kid, since this guy asked her out without finding out much about her--and its not like she is 23 and having a child would be unusual or unexpected.

That being said, yes it is definitely something that should be said at the first date. But if I asked out someone I worked with based on a few interactions I would not expect them to tell me their entire life story ahead of time. I would also find it kind of presumptuous that someone was listing possible dealbreakers before going on what I would consider a very casual date.

OP, go on the date, and mention your kid and go from there. I agree with others that you seem to blame having a child as a liability--it may have been in your mid 30s, dating men who are the same age, but as you get older you will find that it is less of a barrier--and you really dont want to date someone who is not okay with it!

Anonymous wrote:

ddintysons wrote:

When I was single, I made it a point to never go out with anyone who was divorced with children(ren). I am a woman snd I did not want the baggage of an ex-wife and kids.

Wow. Do really consider another person's kids baggage?

Do you have kids now? Are they baggage?

Yes. Other people's kids are definitely baggage. If you wind up seriously dating or marrying that person, you will have to carry that baggage financially and emotionally, no doubt about it. It is perfectly understandable for a single person with no kids to exclude dating/marrying someone who already has a kid.

+1 As a single 30 year old woman wth no kids, I'm only interested in baggage-free men. I'm still well within the age range to find someone with no ex wife and no children, and well within my right to have that preference. I do not want children myself, nor do I have any interest in raising someone else's.