Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes a lot of sense. I hope the school in question take appropriate and serious action, finally. It is too late for the victim in this case. Can you imagine working so hard for years to get into one of the most competitive schools in town and landing your 1st choice! Only to have to scramble right after final tuition bills were due and not have another spot open anywhere else in town? It would have been really helpful if that school had done something with all the other red flags that had gone down with this class in the past 2-3 years. What a dreadful situation for that young girl and her family...and it could have all been prevented.

That is the tragedy of the whole situation. Talk about being blindsided. That poor girl.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:That makes a lot of sense. I hope the school in question take appropriate and serious action, finally. It is too late for the victim in this case. Can you imagine working so hard for years to get into one of the most competitive schools in town and landing your 1st choice! Only to have to scramble right after final tuition bills were due and not have another spot open anywhere else in town? It would have been really helpful if that school had done something with all the other red flags that had gone down with this class in the past 2-3 years. What a dreadful situation for that young girl and her family...and it could have all been prevented.

That is the tragedy of the whole situation. Talk about being blindsided. That poor girl.

That makes a lot of sense. I hope the school in question take appropriate and serious action, finally. It is too late for the victim in this case. Can you imagine working so hard for years to get into one of the most competitive schools in town and landing your 1st choice! Only to have to scramble right after final tuition bills were due and not have another spot open anywhere else in town? It would have been really helpful if that school had done something with all the other red flags that had gone down with this class in the past 2-3 years. What a dreadful situation for that young girl and her family...and it could have all been prevented.

This makes sense

Anonymous wrote:This is an honest question: if YOU can't fully control what your child does on social media (the child who lives in your home and is using a device you pay for), how could any school?

I agree with this, to a point. Obviously schools cannot - and should not be expected to - monitor every student's off-campus behavior, on or offline.

Many things happen that a school cannot control. But what the school can control is its own reaction once something does happen. And that reaction is usually pretty revelatory about the school's underlying culture.

At the school where I work - outside the immediate metro DC area but still nearby - once something like this came to light, the Head of the Middle School would call in each involved student for a meeting also attended by the student's advisor. I don't know the particulars of this situation, but if it were bad enough, there would also be a call home. If it continued, the student would be called in for another meeting, this time with the Middle School head, the advisor, and their parents.

Our school's culture is that Middle School kids make mistakes, and it's our role to work with parents in partnership to help the kids learn from and correct those mistakes. But there's also an expectation for acceptable behavior, and if a student (and/or parent) demonstrates that they don't feel required to meet that standard, continually and intentionally falling short of it, then this isn't the place for them.

Anonymous wrote:This is not the xxx we have experienced. xxx does not encourage or condone this. Were these girls involved friends before xxx or in the same social circle outside of xxx? Meaning - if you took the same group and placed them in a different school most likely it would have happened there? It sounds like that is the case - more than this being the fault of xxx.

You're right in that the behaviors are learned behaviors. The behaviors were learned at home from their models and the girls adopted the behaviors, finding them successful. There are several posts on this thread that have made observations tying the behavior of the girls to the behavior of their mothers.

Will the girls take their behaviors with them to a new school? Yes, absolutely, because the girls have found these behaviors to be successful, they have no meaningful reason to change, and no attempt has been made to make them change.

However, to address your statement about the school. The school in question, once discerning that there was a small nexus of girls with these learned behaviors, dropped the ball when the school did not move to address the behaviors. Just as behaviors can be learned, they can be unlearned; just as habits can be formed, they can be unformed. When the behaviors and habits were not addressed they were picked up by other girls and now the school has a much bigger problem.

This is an honest question: if YOU can't fully control what your child does on social media (the child who lives in your home and is using a device you pay for), how could any school?

This is not the NCS we have experienced. NCS does not encourage or condone this. Were these girls involved friends before NCS or in the same social circle outside of NCS?Meaning - if you took the same group and placed them in a different school most likely it would have happened there? It sounds like that is the case - more than this being the fault of NCS.

The victim doesn't need to "accept" the apology, she just needs to say "thank you for your apology" to each person who apologizes.

The victim doesn't actually have any responsibility to do anything in this scenario as she would likely have no interest in having any interaction with these girls ever again. You would never say to a rape victim to "thank" their attacker for their apology. Maybe the girls should write to their school or somebody else about how they behaved poorly and let their educators down by violating school policy and bringing so much shame to the school and their families or perhaps even apologize to their own parents. But I think any more interaction with the victim would just pour salt on the wounds at this point since it would be contrived and artificial given what we know about the extent of what was previously said about her, what was continued to be said even after they got in serious trouble and were calling in for questioning, and in what you can continue to hear in those defiant/tone deaf tones in various posts on this thread that talk about how this was "private" and the real culprit was the person who told on them.

I am going to guess that the parents are a lot of the issue with these girls. I see it all the time. The girls who are the worst have parents who themselves engage in bad behavior. They generally are the parents who do not care about including and teaching their kids to include. They are the parents who are more involved in their own social lives. In a perfect world something would be done for these girls to really understand or leave and for work to be done so that all the kids at this school feel included. It is a tall order but if the head of school sets a tone that inclusion and acceptance are keys to success then maybe just maybe a friendship could be built. Making excuses does nothing.

Many people have various opinions on what construes as "bullying". Here is the website, and the official definition of "bullying".

https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

This website has many well researched information and insights.

"Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I come at it from the side of having been the victim and feeling for the victim. Having been in her shoes, I really really hated when the mean girls said sorry for the sake of the adults who wanted to smooth things over and pretend kids were all sweetness and light and innocence who all got along, expecting me to go along with this new (often insincere) "friendship." You as an adult don't get along with everyone; you're not friends with everyone; why would you expect that of a child? As I said, I expect my daughter to treat everyone with kindness and respect. I certainly don't expect her to be friends with, or hug and makeup with, the boy who is tormenting her at school this year. I think it's a lot healthier to teach her that he's having a hard time this year, she still has to be kind, but not that she has to go beyond that into some idealized childhood where everyone is friends.

This. The victim should not be forced to be "friends" with the mean girls or be made to feel that she is the one to blame for not feeling like giving them hugs.

+1000

I meant the NCS girls should make peace so they can let this go before starting upperschool. I didn't mean the victim although it would be nice if a sincere apology was made and there was peace, as DC is a small town and they will see eachother.

Thanks for clarifying. And, yes, the girls should make a personal apology to the victim and it should be as sincere as they can make it (may require someone standing over them not because they are evil but just because they are teen girls). The apology needs to be explicit and each girl needs to verbalize her part. The victim doesn't need to "accept" the apology, she just needs to say "thank you for your apology" to each person who apologizes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I come at it from the side of having been the victim and feeling for the victim. Having been in her shoes, I really really hated when the mean girls said sorry for the sake of the adults who wanted to smooth things over and pretend kids were all sweetness and light and innocence who all got along, expecting me to go along with this new (often insincere) "friendship." You as an adult don't get along with everyone; you're not friends with everyone; why would you expect that of a child? As I said, I expect my daughter to treat everyone with kindness and respect. I certainly don't expect her to be friends with, or hug and makeup with, the boy who is tormenting her at school this year. I think it's a lot healthier to teach her that he's having a hard time this year, she still has to be kind, but not that she has to go beyond that into some idealized childhood where everyone is friends.

This. The victim should not be forced to be "friends" with the mean girls or be made to feel that she is the one to blame for not feeling like giving them hugs.

+1000

I meant the NCS girls should make peace so they can let this go before starting upperschool. I didn't mean the victim although it would be nice if a sincere apology was made and there was peace, as DC is a small town and they will see eachother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I come at it from the side of having been the victim and feeling for the victim. Having been in her shoes, I really really hated when the mean girls said sorry for the sake of the adults who wanted to smooth things over and pretend kids were all sweetness and light and innocence who all got along, expecting me to go along with this new (often insincere) "friendship." You as an adult don't get along with everyone; you're not friends with everyone; why would you expect that of a child? As I said, I expect my daughter to treat everyone with kindness and respect. I certainly don't expect her to be friends with, or hug and makeup with, the boy who is tormenting her at school this year. I think it's a lot healthier to teach her that he's having a hard time this year, she still has to be kind, but not that she has to go beyond that into some idealized childhood where everyone is friends.

This. The victim should not be forced to be "friends" with the mean girls or be made to feel that she is the one to blame for not feeling like giving them hugs.

+1000