Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 10:59     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?


Not at all, because I'm not a failure. In my house we have a pretty equal division of labor but no one blows a gasket when we have to pick up the slack for the other. I appreciate the things my partner DOES do. I guess I just picked a better man than you.


If you feel you have a fair division of labor who cares? Your defensiveness suggests that in fact you don't have a fair division but you don't feel empowered to demand it.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 10:54     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?


Because other things in the relationship that were positive were more important at the time?


And because pre-marriage and pre-kids, few people if anyone knows what a default parent is, much less what being one entails.


But couldn't you tell whether or not he has a basically lazy or irresponsible attitude? I refused to date anyone whose place was a mess, who couldn't plan time accurately, or who was flaky on committments. Because it was obvious that he would be even worse after kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 10:46     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?


Because other things in the relationship that were positive were more important at the time?


And because pre-marriage and pre-kids, few people if anyone knows what a default parent is, much less what being one entails.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 10:34     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?


Not at all, because I'm not a failure. In my house we have a pretty equal division of labor but no one blows a gasket when we have to pick up the slack for the other. I appreciate the things my partner DOES do. I guess I just picked a better man than you.


Yes, you did. And that's real helpful for those of us who have never had an equal division of labor, or haven't had it since we had children. Other than gloating, what is your point in posting?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 10:19     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?


Not at all, because I'm not a failure. In my house we have a pretty equal division of labor but no one blows a gasket when we have to pick up the slack for the other. I appreciate the things my partner DOES do. I guess I just picked a better man than you.


In our house we back each other up. The chart is just a useful way to make sure things don't get forgotten. It's not a problem for us to have some accountability.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:51     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?


Not at all, because I'm not a failure. In my house we have a pretty equal division of labor but no one blows a gasket when we have to pick up the slack for the other. I appreciate the things my partner DOES do. I guess I just picked a better man than you.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:42     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The Crux of this problem is that people don't do things they don't give a shit about... making a chore chart doesn't make your dh give a shit...it will probably just build resentment...the key is to get you dh to give a shit enough to do some of the tasks, the do the test yourself or let them go. You have to be prepared that when he finally starts to give a shit he won't do it the same way u do, you have to let it be.


Sounds like OP is open to dropping some of the items on the list per her statement that they will be evaluating how important each item is.


This is OP. Yes, I am prepared to accept that he doesn't think dusting is a real thing, so if I want that done (in between monthly visits from our cleaning person) I need to do it. That's fine. Luckily he is not a psychopath so he would not claim that, i.e., he doesn't give a shit if nobody make the kids' medical appointments.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:35     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


So what is your solution to a lazy DH who won't take responsibility for his children and his house?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:34     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:At least she'll confirm she did not marry a Partner in Life. Then she can decide what the next step is. He may just not be cut out for parenting children, maintaining a single family home, or picking up after himself.


I confirmed that years ago. My next step was doing what I want, all the time. He gets absolutely no say in it.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:33     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:The Crux of this problem is that people don't do things they don't give a shit about... making a chore chart doesn't make your dh give a shit...it will probably just build resentment...the key is to get you dh to give a shit enough to do some of the tasks, the do the test yourself or let them go. You have to be prepared that when he finally starts to give a shit he won't do it the same way u do, you have to let it be.


Exactly correct. My DH would be fine living in a hovel and has no pride in his children wearing clean clothes, eating nutritious food or seeing the pediatrician regularly.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:32     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:How anything gets done anywhere:
1) Person notices or remembers something that needs to be done
2) Person decides to put the effort in to doing what needs to be done
3) Person knows how to effectively/successfully do what needs to be done

If any of those three -- proactive, not lazy, not stupid -- are missing in your spouse, good luck.


My husband sometimes manages 3) but never 1) and rarely 2).
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 09:26     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?


This. If you are comfortable with your choices, it should be no problem to see them itemized. If you are an adult capable of following through on committments and saying no to your oh-so-scary wife when you don't agree with an item on the list, this should be a helpful too. If you are a lazy and conflict-avoiding man-baby, then you will whine and call your wife names to avoid the real issue.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 08:05     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.


It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 08:01     Subject: Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:The Crux of this problem is that people don't do things they don't give a shit about... making a chore chart doesn't make your dh give a shit...it will probably just build resentment...the key is to get you dh to give a shit enough to do some of the tasks, the do the test yourself or let them go. You have to be prepared that when he finally starts to give a shit he won't do it the same way u do, you have to let it be.


Sounds like OP is open to dropping some of the items on the list per her statement that they will be evaluating how important each item is.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 07:59     Subject: Re:Optimistic that I am going to fix my "default parent" situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.


Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.


The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.