Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:49     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
OP- you have 3 kids under 3. You must be gaving some sex. In all seriousness, you are in the thick of it. I remember how tired I was when my kids were little. They can suck the life out of you! Then you put them to bed and then your husband starts pawing on you. I just wanted some time alone. Things changed when they grew up. We now have an enjoyable sex life.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 14:36     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:

Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive

OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away





Are you taking her out on dates and to do fun things from time to time? That could do a lot towards making you more attractive.


Dates are pretty tough as it is hard to get someone that can watch two toddlers and and infant. We do lunch dates when we can which are nice. We try to do fun things at home when the kids are asleep but again, kind of tough to do on the regular.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 14:34     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex and when we do it sucks. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


How's your wife doing with that? Any postpartum issues, physically or mentally? I expect she is exhausted...how old is your youngest?


OP here. No postpartum with any of our kids that I can tell. Sure she is exhausted, I am too. But honestly there is not really going to be a time where we are not exhausted until the kids are older. Again, sex slowed down before kids so while they don't help, I don't see that as the main issue. Youngest is 9 months.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 14:33     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?

Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive

OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away





Are you taking her out on dates and to do fun things from time to time? That could do a lot towards making you more attractive.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 14:30     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive


OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 11:55     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote: My DH's penis is way too large.

Signed,

Not a Fake Post At All.

HAHA sadly I can't call it the biggest problem in our marriage, but I have this problem too! Pre-DH I used to really enjoy doggy style, but now not as much...if he accidentally thrusts too deep it HURTS, a lot


I have this problem. The noise I make when we have sex keeps my neighbors awake in Hamlet. Thank God the kids can sleep through it.

And, then all the wives are "dropping by" when they think he is home and I am not. Really? I thought these bitches were my friends.

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 11:35     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
And to follow up on the low energy issue- I've just recently seen the term default parent, and that is what I am! We both work. I'd be okay being the default if he would pick up the slack with the house maintenance.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 11:31     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
My husband's: borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and abusive childhood.....know before you buy, folks. KNOW BEFORE YOU BUY.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 11:28     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:My husband has low energy. This is the root of our major problems: his inability to bear an equal load at home; our sex life; his messiness. He would say the root of his problems with me is my critical nature (refusal to be a doormat).


My issue too!
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 22:50     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:My husband has low energy. This is the root of our major problems: his inability to bear an equal load at home; our sex life; his messiness. He would say the root of his problems with me is my critical nature (refusal to be a doormat).


This is my marriage exactly, although you were too kind. My husband is lazy and has a tendency to hoard, so it's difficult for me to keep a tidy house.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 20:55     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH has no love language, for giving or receiving, and thinks it's a character flaw that I want him to compliment me and be affectionate. He treats me like a roommate or his mother and doesn't see anything strange about that.


Okay, barf, stop saying that. Also, cut the princess act and do more considerate things for him for 6 months+, work on yourself and dont ask for stuff from him in return. See if that turns things around. Currently you sound very annoying and thus the roommate/mother status.


Harsh. If "love language" is too cliched for you, ignore it and focus on the point, which is that in 20 years together he has no pet names for me, has never complimented me, doesn't initiate cuddling or intimacy, doesn't do thoughtful things, and just basically doesn't do anything that couples do for each other. (He also doesn't make up for it by doing anything "manly" like take care of the house, lawn, or cars, before you suggest that.) We've talked it to death, I've clearly laid out how I'd love to be treated, and like i said, he sees it as weak. Anyone who would call me a needy princess over this is taking a hell of a lot for granted in their own relationship and probably can't fathom the level of platonicness from a partner that I'm describing. Why not divorce? His family is my family, our friends are mutual, I just can't fathom losing my whole life.


Pet names? That just screams Princess to me. I'm just a basic gal , I would never have that kind of thing as a requirement. I think that I did used to ask for stuff like that and he looked at me like I had two heads and then life hit and I forgot all about any demands. But the other things are harsh.

17 crazy years after birthing the last kid DH is less stiff and more affectionate. No pet names but he brings me coffee and I enjoy talking to him a lot. It took a long time to be truly connected.
I don't think that you can talk these things out - I would stop doing that - just try to grow the relationship. Do you have kids?
Why is he like this? Was he always? How long did you know him before you married and why did you marry him?What exactly does he do in his day to day interactions with you?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 19:50     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
I think it is. Think of all the DCUM wives who know they need to give their husband sex at least once a week to sustain their marriages. What are they going to do, make it long and drawn out? or quickie and get it over with and consider that they've done their due diligence. DH has no reason to cheat, he isn't in a sexless marriage, he's getting regular, if quick, sex. Quickie. Totally normal. Maybe not healthy, but totally normal.

My go to is a quickie, always.


Oh this is totally us.

The quickie, always the quickie, unless its vacation, then it's the quickie plus 5 minutes for one more position.

It's enough to check the box, not nearly enough to put us in the healthy category. The rest of the marriage works. We are still having sex. Sometimes, the quickie is good, brings us closer. We win at every other part of our marriage, let's call the sex life a draw.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 19:48     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH is a fantastic partner in all ways except for low libido. I'm a very sexual woman, and it hurts.


Did you get fat


No. I am up about 8 pounds but I don't think that's it.


Uh, I'm the PP who posted the low libido thing and I am a size 4 with a pretty face. He just has a low libido.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 19:39     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex. by far. It's the only issue, but it's a massive one. DW is once a week, if I push for it, and then only quickies. Yes, I have had affairs, no she doesn't know, I am trying to be faithful again, but it's getting tougher with the current drought.


She knows now.


+1

You are blaming your wife for the affairs. What a coward. Why not just get a divorce?


It's not normal to have sex once a week at most, and always have them be quickies. It's like snacking but never getting a gourmet meal.


I think it is. Think of all the DCUM wives who know they need to give their husband sex at least once a week to sustain their marriages. What are they going to do, make it long and drawn out? or quickie and get it over with and consider that they've done their due diligence. DH has no reason to cheat, he isn't in a sexless marriage, he's getting regular, if quick, sex. Quickie. Totally normal. Maybe not healthy, but totally normal.

My go to is a quickie, always.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2017 16:29     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
My DH can be defensive and doesn't show much affection.
I can be emotionally closed off and often isolate myself.

Despite this, we love our kids, have fun together, agree on most life issues, and get along with each other's families. I wish we were closer, though, and more relaxed with each other.