Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:31     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
OP, I'm not saying wait 5+ years, but do wait and consider some family therapy before moving forward with marriage. It could be that your boys are holding on to hope that if your boyfriend goes away, you and your ex will get back together. It could also be that they have a real reason for not liking your man that they don't feel comfortable sharing with you but might share with a therapist. Some additional time and counseling could be what everyone needs to bond more and/or to understand that your boyfriend isn't going anywhere and your ex isn't going to be your husband again no matter what.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:16     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
^I am one of the posters telling Op that she should get married. I am married, btw. Please don't shape sort posters into convenient categories.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:16     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:This thread went a very predictable direction. Hate on single moms? Check. Accusations of selfishness and gold-digging? Check. Suggestions of possible child abuse? Check.

Look, Marrieds. What authority do you give your 12- and 17-year-olds over household decisions and life changes? Do they get to decide that you can't, for example, get a different job? If you or your spouse gets a new job in a different city, do your children get to categorically veto that decision for reasons that are not based in reality?

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried when I was 15 or thereabouts. Was I thrilled about it? No. Her boyfriend wasn't my favorite person in the world, and him moving into our house wasn't at the top of my list of awesome stuff to have happen. Things changed. The food we ate was sometimes different. I was required to be respectful and kind to him, but no, he didn't have authority to discipline my teenage self. I knew he wasn't "replacing my dad" because my dad lived a mile away and I saw him on Wednesdays and on the weekend. They shared finances and if I wanted a bunch of money for something, yes, that was a conversation that my mom, her boyfriend/then-husband and I had together, but he didn't get veto power over whether I get new school clothes or track shoes or whatever.

I think that divorced moms get special mean-ness on this board because there is a fundamental assumption by many of you Marrieds that they are divorced because they are weak or selfish. All advice stems from the notion that if you were weak and selfish enough to get divorced, you'd better pour 100% of your energy into making that up to your kids and if you so much as think about your own happiness, you are a terrible parent.



I'm glad your mother and stepfather treated you adequately, but OP has not explained how she plans to handle these matters.

The kid is 17. Can't he have his last year at home in peace?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:14     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
This thread went a very predictable direction. Hate on single moms? Check. Accusations of selfishness and gold-digging? Check. Suggestions of possible child abuse? Check.

Look, Marrieds. What authority do you give your 12- and 17-year-olds over household decisions and life changes? Do they get to decide that you can't, for example, get a different job? If you or your spouse gets a new job in a different city, do your children get to categorically veto that decision for reasons that are not based in reality?

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried when I was 15 or thereabouts. Was I thrilled about it? No. Her boyfriend wasn't my favorite person in the world, and him moving into our house wasn't at the top of my list of awesome stuff to have happen. Things changed. The food we ate was sometimes different. I was required to be respectful and kind to him, but no, he didn't have authority to discipline my teenage self. I knew he wasn't "replacing my dad" because my dad lived a mile away and I saw him on Wednesdays and on the weekend. They shared finances and if I wanted a bunch of money for something, yes, that was a conversation that my mom, her boyfriend/then-husband and I had together, but he didn't get veto power over whether I get new school clothes or track shoes or whatever.

I think that divorced moms get special mean-ness on this board because there is a fundamental assumption by many of you Marrieds that they are divorced because they are weak or selfish. All advice stems from the notion that if you were weak and selfish enough to get divorced, you'd better pour 100% of your energy into making that up to your kids and if you so much as think about your own happiness, you are a terrible parent.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:03     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.


gtoss
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 11:01     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:52     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


+1. OP, you are replacing their dad in the sense of adding a male authority figure to the household and a life partner with whom they must share their mother. Own your choice.


Is Op's ex also forbidden to remarry or does that rule only apply to Op?

My guess is that Op would be fine with her ex remarrying. She would still be their mother - no question at all.


She can remarry, but she should acknowledge that in some ways she is replacing their dad.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:52     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


+1. OP, you are replacing their dad in the sense of adding a male authority figure to the household and a life partner with whom they must share their mother. Own your choice.


+1. Their dad is still their dad emotionally, but you are definitely replacing him. Look, OP, this sucks for them, ok? Try to understand it. Alcoholic dad, divorce, now they have to watch their mom being all cozy with some random guy while their father is an alcoholic mess somewhere else and they have to shuffle between two homes while the new man gets to live in one place. They are going to have to compromise on issues big and small and be on company behavior in their own home. The boyfriend may be nice to them now in thw courtship phase, but who knows how he'll act when he decides he's man of the house. OP can divorce him, but they have no recourse other than moving in with an alcoholic.

OP, you can decide this is what's best for your family, but don't try to pretend away the difficulties or expect your kids to be happy. This is a better deal for you than for them. Own ot.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:49     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


It sounds as though Op has been making the majority of the parenting decisions for her sons even though she shares 50/50 custody with her ex. That isn't going to change just because she is getting married. Op doesn't strike me as the type to hand over her parental responsibilities....

Op needs to make it clear that the boys will need to continue to be respectful to her new husband.


So this guy will have no say over what happens in his own home? They won't share finances at all? BS. OP is being unrealistic about this and so are you.


Yes, they will share finances. They are already doing that. Yes, the boys will need to be respectful of Op's new husband - he is a responsible adult in the house and also a member of their family. If he asks them to please take out the trash and they refuse, they will get into trouble. Just like they would get into trouble if their teacher asked them to stop talking and they ignored her and continued to talk in class.



They do NOT share finances. They split dinner when they go out and don't expect her to pay more because the 2 kids are hers. That is different than, shared finances.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:48     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


+1. OP, you are replacing their dad in the sense of adding a male authority figure to the household and a life partner with whom they must share their mother. Own your choice.


Is Op's ex also forbidden to remarry or does that rule only apply to Op?

My guess is that Op would be fine with her ex remarrying. She would still be their mother - no question at all.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:47     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


It sounds as though Op has been making the majority of the parenting decisions for her sons even though she shares 50/50 custody with her ex. That isn't going to change just because she is getting married. Op doesn't strike me as the type to hand over her parental responsibilities....

Op needs to make it clear that the boys will need to continue to be respectful to her new husband.


So this guy will have no say over what happens in his own home? They won't share finances at all? BS. OP is being unrealistic about this and so are you.


Yes, they will share finances. They are already doing that. Yes, the boys will need to be respectful of Op's new husband - he is a responsible adult in the house and also a member of their family. If he asks them to please take out the trash and they refuse, they will get into trouble. Just like they would get into trouble if their teacher asked them to stop talking and they ignored her and continued to talk in class.



You're being obtuse. This is about a lot more than minor chores.

OP, will this guy be paying for college?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:46     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


It sounds as though Op has been making the majority of the parenting decisions for her sons even though she shares 50/50 custody with her ex. That isn't going to change just because she is getting married. Op doesn't strike me as the type to hand over her parental responsibilities....

Op needs to make it clear that the boys will need to continue to be respectful to her new husband.


So this guy will have no say over what happens in his own home? They won't share finances at all? BS. OP is being unrealistic about this and so are you.


Yes, they will share finances. They are already doing that. Yes, the boys will need to be respectful of Op's new husband - he is a responsible adult in the house and also a member of their family. If he asks them to please take out the trash and they refuse, they will get into trouble. Just like they would get into trouble if their teacher asked them to stop talking and they ignored her and continued to talk in class.

Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:38     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


It sounds as though Op has been making the majority of the parenting decisions for her sons even though she shares 50/50 custody with her ex. That isn't going to change just because she is getting married. Op doesn't strike me as the type to hand over her parental responsibilities....

Op needs to make it clear that the boys will need to continue to be respectful to her new husband.


So this guy will have no say over what happens in his own home? They won't share finances at all? BS. OP is being unrealistic about this and so are you.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:37     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


+1. OP, you are replacing their dad in the sense of adding a male authority figure to the household and a life partner with whom they must share their mother. Own your choice.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2017 10:36     Subject: My boys don't want me to get remarried
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!


She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.


Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.


It sounds as though Op has been making the majority of the parenting decisions for her sons even though she shares 50/50 custody with her ex. That isn't going to change just because she is getting married. Op doesn't strike me as the type to hand over her parental responsibilities....

Op needs to make it clear that the boys will need to continue to be respectful to her new husband.