Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

Wow, op, that's really rough. I'm sorry. I'm one of the pp's with a widowed friend. I know she would have backed away from a relationship ultimatum like this. Being widowed is different than being divorced, and I'm not sure she's getting that. And to be brutally honest, if she's acting this way about your feelings, I'd be cautious about the disregard she may show for your dd's feelings down the road. Hugs. Wish I could set you up with my widowed friend!

Completely agree with this PP. I don't think she understands at ALL what it's like to be a widow. I have friends whose spouses died unexpectedly and young and it's completely different than divorce. It's very wrong of her to force you into this choice and even though you love her, this isn't the type of person you should want to marry. But better for her to show her true colors now rather than later.

Absolutely agree with this. Telling someone who lost his wife to get over it and move on 2 years after the loss, when there is a small child involved, is ridiculous. And that's not even taking into the account the abrupt transition of having fun and enjoying each other's company to "I want a baby, you have a week to propose or I'm gone."

Yeah, I'm in agreement. You also have only been dating almost a year. For me, that's not long enough to give someone an ultimatum like she did. If you'd been dating 1.5 - 2 years, yeah, I'd say it was time to make a decision about your future but that's not your case. Sorry - and hugs.

Why do you need to be married to have a baby?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

You just wanted to have fun for how long? A year of dating as single parents (in one's late 30s) is a very long time. You don't sound like you want to marry her. But if I were her, I'd be pissed you never intended to marry me.

Different PP. Why should she be angry? He was clear with her from the start that he wasn't looking for anything serious.

I don't know why women do this -- except that they think they can "change" men if they just play along with the "it's just casual" for a while. If a man is honest from the start that he is not looking for anything serious, then take him at his word.

Maybe he never wants to marry again. There's actually nothing wrong with that. People can have a casual relationship for YEARS. My grandmother did. She divorced at 40 and had no interest in doing the whole marriage thing again -- ever. But she still wanted companionship.

I'm happily married. But I don't think marriage is for everyone -- for different reasons. I think part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high is that so many people feel like marriage has to be the next logical step, that it has to be the ultimate "goal" of all relationships. There is this mistaken belief that you are "wasting your time" if you are just with someone for the companionship, which seems absurd to me. OP was clear with this woman. Sure, they developed feelings for each other, and it's fine for her to say that she has changed her mind about what she wants and ask if he's open to working toward marriage and even to tell him that if he isn't open to those things, then it might be best to move on. But I don't think she has anything to be angry with him about. But to suddenly get angry and make demands is really juvenile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

So my father died suddenly while my younger sibling was still in high school and what you are describing is my nightmare scenario if my mom started dating again. First, you can't rush someone else's grieving process. Second, don't you and your daughter deserve more than just "I want to have a baby and you happen to be the only dude I'm dating now?" Third, a divorce is so different than losing a spouse I can't even believe she would treat them like equivalents.

Finally, just to be realistic it is very rare for people to love their stepchildren as much as their own children. The fact that she is giving you only a week to make a decision that so greatly impacts your daughter to be brutally honest does not suggest she will be one of those people.

Wow, totally agree with this. OP, this woman is NOT going to be a good stepmother to your child. She is only thinking about herself and that is a nightmare wicked stepmother in the making. RUN!

And I say this as a woman that had an honest conversation with my DH before we were engaged that I was looking for something serious and wanted kids sooner rather than later. I was very upfront that if he wasn't ok with the possibility of that, no harm no foul but I wasn't interested in years of open ended dating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

Wow, op, that's really rough. I'm sorry. I'm one of the pp's with a widowed friend. I know she would have backed away from a relationship ultimatum like this. Being widowed is different than being divorced, and I'm not sure she's getting that. And to be brutally honest, if she's acting this way about your feelings, I'd be cautious about the disregard she may show for your dd's feelings down the road. Hugs. Wish I could set you up with my widowed friend!

Completely agree with this PP. I don't think she understands at ALL what it's like to be a widow. I have friends whose spouses died unexpectedly and young and it's completely different than divorce. It's very wrong of her to force you into this choice and even though you love her, this isn't the type of person you should want to marry. But better for her to show her true colors now rather than later.

Absolutely agree with this. Telling someone who lost his wife to get over it and move on 2 years after the loss, when there is a small child involved, is ridiculous. And that's not even taking into the account the abrupt transition of having fun and enjoying each other's company to "I want a baby, you have a week to propose or I'm gone."

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

So my father died suddenly while my younger sibling was still in high school and what you are describing is my nightmare scenario if my mom started dating again. First, you can't rush someone else's grieving process. Second, don't you and your daughter deserve more than just "I want to have a baby and you happen to be the only dude I'm dating now?" Third, a divorce is so different than losing a spouse I can't even believe she would treat them like equivalents.

Finally, just to be realistic it is very rare for people to love their stepchildren as much as their own children. The fact that she is giving you only a week to make a decision that so greatly impacts your daughter to be brutally honest does not suggest she will be one of those people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is about marrying you. I think this is about her wanting to have another baby. I assume she wants to stay at home, too? If that's her plan, this is her real motivation -- to avoid the workforce for another 5-6 years. If she wants to go back to work, it's a different equation.

wow some people are really obsessed with SAHMs.

Do you disagree with my assessment of the situation?

I agree that the baby is likely a priority for her. I have no idea where you get that she wants to stay home and that this is a relwvant issue here.

OP, I understand where she is coming from but I don't like how she is pressuring you. You know what she wants and the pressure and the ultimatums are not helping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is about marrying you. I think this is about her wanting to have another baby. I assume she wants to stay at home, too? If that's her plan, this is her real motivation -- to avoid the workforce for another 5-6 years. If she wants to go back to work, it's a different equation.

wow some people are really obsessed with SAHMs.

Do you disagree with my assessment of the situation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

Wow, op, that's really rough. I'm sorry. I'm one of the pp's with a widowed friend. I know she would have backed away from a relationship ultimatum like this. Being widowed is different than being divorced, and I'm not sure she's getting that. And to be brutally honest, if she's acting this way about your feelings, I'd be cautious about the disregard she may show for your dd's feelings down the road. Hugs. Wish I could set you up with my widowed friend!

Completely agree with this PP. I don't think she understands at ALL what it's like to be a widow. I have friends whose spouses died unexpectedly and young and it's completely different than divorce. It's very wrong of her to force you into this choice and even though you love her, this isn't the type of person you should want to marry. But better for her to show her true colors now rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

Wow, op, that's really rough. I'm sorry. I'm one of the pp's with a widowed friend. I know she would have backed away from a relationship ultimatum like this. Being widowed is different than being divorced, and I'm not sure she's getting that. And to be brutally honest, if she's acting this way about your feelings, I'd be cautious about the disregard she may show for your dd's feelings down the road. Hugs. Wish I could set you up with my widowed friend!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's OK to also tell her what YOU feel/need/want. If the answer is, "I love you but I'm just not ready", that's OK. Her choice to wait or not.

I'd tell her I need (x amount of time - another year?) and that you promise a definite answer at that time. She's made her goals clear, don't string her along once you figure out (if you figure out) that it's not what you want.

Generally I agree, but another year?! That's cruel at their ages. OP should know whether he wants to get married again, whether he wants more kids, and generally whether he wants it to be with her. Maybe another few months to work that out and communicate it, but if I were her and OP was being wishy washy and not taking me seriously I'd be on my way out.

His wife died, fairly recently, you nitwit. Try to look at this from all perspectives before spouting off nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is about marrying you. I think this is about her wanting to have another baby. I assume she wants to stay at home, too? If that's her plan, this is her real motivation -- to avoid the workforce for another 5-6 years. If she wants to go back to work, it's a different equation.

wow some people are really obsessed with SAHMs.

I would tell her you love her, you are not ready for marriage and a baby, and you understand if she wants to break up with you. You hope she changes her mind.

and get a vasectomy stat!

I don't think this is about marrying you. I think this is about her wanting to have another baby. I assume she wants to stay at home, too? If that's her plan, this is her real motivation -- to avoid the workforce for another 5-6 years. If she wants to go back to work, it's a different equation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

Different PP here. I think you are wise. Giving you a week to make such a huge decision (and knowing you have a young daughter who lost her mother) is not just hasty, but it's insensitive and even selfish.

It also shows disregard for your daughter.

It's understandable if she's changed her mind and really wants a baby, but the way she is going about this and to suddenly make demands like that is a huge red flag.

+1 If this is how she approaches major life and relationship issues then this is a major red flag. Giving you an abrupt ultimatum like this and only a week to decide is really messed up in a lot of ways - this isn't someone to be blending a family with at this point.