Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:37     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I haven't read the entire thread, but honestly, as a medical professional the MIL should know better.

That she asked to be in the delivery room and is pressuring OP, despite her obvious discomfort just shows how selfish she is. MIL has completely lost sight of anyone's needs but her own wants. As a mother of boys, I would be ashamed of myself if I ever behaved like this when they have children.

Something else to think about OP: If you get pressured into letting her be in the delivery room and you end up being more stressed and uncomfortable because of her presence, it's very likely that your relationship with your MIL will suffer for a long time. Pregnancy hormones are powerful and it will be very difficult not to be resentful of her moving forward.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:27     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH how he would feel about being naked in front of your dad while he was in terrible pain.

If your DH thinks that sounds pretty shitty, that's the same thing his mom is asking if you. No.


And with his legs open, and bright lights on him.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:22     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Ask your DH how he would feel about being naked in front of your dad while he was in terrible pain.

If your DH thinks that sounds pretty shitty, that's the same thing his mom is asking if you. No.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:16     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mom is your mom. MIL is not. She needs to understand the difference. While important in your life, she is not your mother. There is no way in a million years I would agree to this. And she is wrong to ask/pressure you.

No parent is entitled to be there. But, the mom in delivery calls the shots (so to speak). That's the beginning and end in my view.

I'd say let her come as soon as baby is born and not make here wait 24-48 hours.


But DH also made this baby, and she's his mom. And raised him, kissed his boo boos, rocked him to sleep, and wiped his butt. I know OP is the one actually birthing the baby but I think it is totally unfair to act as though the husband's side is chopped liver.


And he is not giving birth. He is not naked and vulnerable in a delivery room. Whoever is naked and vulnerable gets to say who is there with her.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:14     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I pooped when I was pushing.

I also ripped off my clothes because anything touching me felt like poison ivy on my skin.

There is no way in hell I would want my MIL there for that. You could even end up prolonging your labor because you are uncomfortable and embarrassed by her presence. As a nurse she should know this and understand that this is an intense physical ordeal.

Seriously, just say no. But by all means have her come meet the baby at the hospital as soon as you're out of L&D.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 17:13     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I'd have no issues with it. But I also know I'm an outlier and didn't really care who saw the birth. For mine, I had my midwife, a nurse, 2 student nurses, and my DH. My mom and MIL would have taken the place of the two student nurses had I not had a quick labor. They both rolled in about 5 min after DS was already born!
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:59     Subject: Re:Do I owe this to MIL?
Your MIL wants greater access to her grandkids and to have a "status" that is more on par with your mom. You should take her concerns to heart (if you have a good relationship) and work to improve things.

HOWEVER, it sounds like your MIL is really grasping here and wants you to put her in the delivery room as a way of "proving" to all the players involved (including herself) that she's as important as your mom or "worthy" or whatever. That's not okay.

Your mom will be focused on your health during the process, your MIL will likely be monofocused on the baby. That would drive me nuts.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:54     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.


I would not understand that. Not at all. As a MIL, it would not be my moment to witness, any more than sex is.


Not sure why you want to compare it with sex, but I do see your point.


Because it is private and personal and intimate to the two people who made this child. Not anyone else's moment as a spectator.


well....and the medical team. That makes it no longer intimate like sex.


...who are not there to "watch."
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:50     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I don't think you have to have her in the delivery room if you don't want to, although if there is any way you can tolerate it it would be a very kind thing to do. However, I absolutely cannot imagine asking your kid's grandma to wait over 24 hours to see the baby, especially if your mom was allowed to be in the delivery room with you. That's really depriving her of that initial raw excitement and joy. If you can allow her to be with you up until you push them right after you're covered up it would already be a million times better.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:49     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
When did grandparents become so entitled? Just a generation ago FATHERS weren't allowed in the delivery room. I know my dad wasn't, and I'm 43.

My MIL went so far as to buy an outfit (in addition to an embarrassing amount of other stuff) and inform me that it is what she wanted DD to wear home from the hospital. Excuse me?

Tell MIL to back off and make your own choice based on what you're comfortable with.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:26     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mom is your mom. MIL is not. She needs to understand the difference. While important in your life, she is not your mother. There is no way in a million years I would agree to this. And she is wrong to ask/pressure you.

No parent is entitled to be there. But, the mom in delivery calls the shots (so to speak). That's the beginning and end in my view.

I'd say let her come as soon as baby is born and not make here wait 24-48 hours.


But DH also made this baby, and she's his mom. And raised him, kissed his boo boos, rocked him to sleep, and wiped his butt. I know OP is the one actually birthing the baby but I think it is totally unfair to act as though the husband's side is chopped liver.


Sorry, nope. The baby belongs to both parents, but the birth process is solely the work of the mother.

If it's the baby we're talking about, MIL can hold the baby soon after birth, sure. But we're not talking about access to the baby. We're talking about access to the BIRTH.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:22     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Your mom is your mom. MIL is not. She needs to understand the difference. While important in your life, she is not your mother. There is no way in a million years I would agree to this. And she is wrong to ask/pressure you.

No parent is entitled to be there. But, the mom in delivery calls the shots (so to speak). That's the beginning and end in my view.

I'd say let her come as soon as baby is born and not make here wait 24-48 hours.


But DH also made this baby, and she's his mom. And raised him, kissed his boo boos, rocked him to sleep, and wiped his butt. I know OP is the one actually birthing the baby but I think it is totally unfair to act as though the husband's side is chopped liver.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:10     Subject: Re:Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:OP please consider the option you first thought was good. Letting her be there until you're about to push, then having her leave, then come back right after birth. And don't lie about it, just explain that you love her and understand how she wants to be part of this, but you're uncomfortable with that part.

Don't listen to all these basic assholes who think the world revolves around them and they don't even want to be bothered to hear that someone else has a thought or a feeling. Some of these answers are so sad. The pp who said "she's sad? 'oh well.'" how cold can you be???? It's rare here on DCUM where families actually get along and...wait for it...actually (GASP!?!) consider other people's feelings.

You are very fortunate to get along with your in-laws and you are very gracious to be considering your MIL's feelings. It sounds like she is asking and yet still understands that it may not be possible because you're not her bio daughter.
So, whatever you decide, congratulations on your new baby and congratulations on having a family where there is reciprocity of respect and feelings. Hopefully that turns into a lifetime of wonderful family memories.



I'm that PP, and, respectfully, the idea that anybody else's feelings about a woman's birth process, especially someone who isn't her partner, should carry any weight at all is baffling to me.

Do her MIL's feelings matter otherwise? Of course! Should the OP have conversation about concerns or priorities the MIL has about any other family issue? Absolutely.

But for birth? Nope.

These are MIL's own fears, anxieties, and what ifs to deal with on her own. The imaginary daughter in MIL's head who *maybe* would have done x, y, and z just isn't the OP's problem to address.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 16:04     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
If you are personally not comfortable with it, the answer is No. It is not a dinner party and you are not extending invitations.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:58     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:When it comes to birth, you make the call. It's that simple.

Most people don't get every single thing they want in this world, and your MIL's feelings about not having a daughter are hers to manage. Frankly, it's unkind of your MIL to pressure you in this way.

Tell your DH that if he wants to listen to his mom make such complaints, that's up to him, but that you would prefer to hear no more about it, and that the answer is no. Figure out between you and DH when you want her to come after the birth, and let him communicate that, especially as it doesn't seem that she has talked to you directly.

+100

That's life. You don't get everything you want. MIL should focus on loving her healthy grandchildren and let this go. Or at least not burden OP with her disappointment. It's very presumptuous to expect to be invited to witness someone else giving birth, and not ok to guilt a woman over wanting her privacy.