Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

My father just passed away in January. My mom has always been very needy. I have a twin brother. Much like you, he learned to put up boundaries very early on. I have not, so I still cater to a lot. Quite frankly, I am the only one who takes her calls!

The thing I hate the most though, is that even though I am the one that is there for her, whenever I am around, all she asks about is my brother. How he is doing, why he doesn't take her calls, etc.

It really hurts me that she doesn't see the son who is trying to have a relationship with her because she is too preoccupied with the one who doesn't.

Pp, sorry about your mom. I've heard about this dynamic in other families. I'm not sure what the source is--you want what you can't have?

I do think it is you want what you can't have. And the crazy thing is - from a logical standpoint, I get it! We all want what we can't have, it's human nature! But, it still hurts. I won't get into specifics, but even growing up, there was such a large disparity in how we were treated. I don't hate my mom or anything like that - I don't even dislike her. I love her, she is my mom and she is a good person overall.

I just wish she would appreciate me and my efforts to have a relationship with her.

What you're feeling and thinking seems completely natural. This may sound a little manipulative, but... have you thought about taking a few steps back from her? Not cutting her off, not at all. But giving yourself some space without her, so that maybe she might start to appreciate you a little more. But more important, in this new space you give yourself, you'll have some freedom from some of the unhappiness she creates.

I would totally do this - but unfortunately, right now is not the time. My father passed away in late January (a week before her birthday no less). It's been hard on all of us, especially her. I truly worry about her being a lone. But, your advice is really the advice I would give someone else in my particular situation. As they say, it's always hardest to take your own advice when you're in the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

My father just passed away in January. My mom has always been very needy. I have a twin brother. Much like you, he learned to put up boundaries very early on. I have not, so I still cater to a lot. Quite frankly, I am the only one who takes her calls!

The thing I hate the most though, is that even though I am the one that is there for her, whenever I am around, all she asks about is my brother. How he is doing, why he doesn't take her calls, etc.

It really hurts me that she doesn't see the son who is trying to have a relationship with her because she is too preoccupied with the one who doesn't.

Pp, sorry about your mom. I've heard about this dynamic in other families. I'm not sure what the source is--you want what you can't have?

I do think it is you want what you can't have. And the crazy thing is - from a logical standpoint, I get it! We all want what we can't have, it's human nature! But, it still hurts. I won't get into specifics, but even growing up, there was such a large disparity in how we were treated. I don't hate my mom or anything like that - I don't even dislike her. I love her, she is my mom and she is a good person overall.

I just wish she would appreciate me and my efforts to have a relationship with her.

What you're feeling and thinking seems completely natural. This may sound a little manipulative, but... have you thought about taking a few steps back from her? Not cutting her off, not at all. But giving yourself some space without her, so that maybe she might start to appreciate you a little more. But more important, in this new space you give yourself, you'll have some freedom from some of the unhappiness she creates.

I'm 28 and my mom and I have not had a good relationship since I was probably 14. She was extremely emotionally and physically abusive. She would scream at me, throw things at me, hit/punch me all over my body, etc. Granted I would scream back but the things she did were way past the extreme. I resented her and would spend almost every weekend at my friends house whos mom was amazing and I would wish she was my mom. I moved out of the house when I was 20 and it was the best decision ever. We started to have an okay relationship once I moved out but it was mostly her using me and only being nice when she needed things from me- picking my younger siblings up from school, grabbing something from the grocery store, house sitting when they'd go away, etc. We had a huge falling out this past Summer after she said horrible things to me and I didn't talk to her for months. I let it go for the holidays so that I could see my step dad and siblings but now that Christmas is gone, I have probably talked to her 3 times? She is just a nasty person who looks down at anyone who isn't as "good" as her. I've struggled with my weight since I was in high school and that was her number 1 issue with me. She couldnt' handle having a chubby kid and constantly called me a fat ass, told me I had to go to the gym or she would ground me, constantly commented on what I ate or drank, etc. She hated that I wasn't super skinny becuase it didn't fit into the lifestyle that she has. Her big fancy house, mercedes, high power job, etc. Now that I'm 28, I just don't deal with her. It took a year of therapy for me to realize that I don't NEED to have my mom in my life just because she's my mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

My father just passed away in January. My mom has always been very needy. I have a twin brother. Much like you, he learned to put up boundaries very early on. I have not, so I still cater to a lot. Quite frankly, I am the only one who takes her calls!

The thing I hate the most though, is that even though I am the one that is there for her, whenever I am around, all she asks about is my brother. How he is doing, why he doesn't take her calls, etc.

It really hurts me that she doesn't see the son who is trying to have a relationship with her because she is too preoccupied with the one who doesn't.

Pp, sorry about your mom. I've heard about this dynamic in other families. I'm not sure what the source is--you want what you can't have?

I do think it is you want what you can't have. And the crazy thing is - from a logical standpoint, I get it! We all want what we can't have, it's human nature! But, it still hurts. I won't get into specifics, but even growing up, there was such a large disparity in how we were treated. I don't hate my mom or anything like that - I don't even dislike her. I love her, she is my mom and she is a good person overall.

I just wish she would appreciate me and my efforts to have a relationship with her.