Anonymous
02/14/2017 17:54
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know everyone is going to freak out, but honestly, he is abusive. You have a toddler, you're pregnant, we know, and a normal man can empathize what that's like. You're exhausted. It was very big of you to apologize and try to communicate....Him talking to you like that, being stone cold, and storming out of the house... my guess would be he's cheating and setting up some weird rejection-while-gaslighting-you game for his advantage. He sounds self-centered and personality disordered. I'm sorry OP.
Are you serious? You do not have enough information to decide this.
It sounds like to me that they have SERIOUS intimacy issues and that the guy's needs are not being met.
That doesn't mean OP should be his personal blow up doll OBVIOUSLY but maybe it does mean she needs to put some work into making sure her husband is feeling loved. And maybe it also means that her DH needs to put some effort into giving her some alone time/space so when these moments arise she's ready to enjoy them instead of recoiling.
To say that her husband expressing frustration with a lack of intimacy is him gaslighting her is IMO way too far. This is way too little information to decide whether or not he's an abusive jerk or OP is a cold mommy martyr. Because seriously a 17 month old is not going to care lets take that off the table.
And I'm a pretty super lefty feminist. But in a marriage, particularly when there are young kids, both people really need to put extra effort into the MARRIAGE not just the parenting if they want to make sure they're not divorcing when the toddler stages are done.
They are having sex a couple of times a week. With a toddler in the house. While she is pregnant.
That's not a lack of intimacy.
Intimacy is not just how many times you have sex. It is the quality of the sex (rote or passionate?), it is general affection during the week that leads to partners feeling confident in their physical/emotional connection. Just as we as women can tell when our connection to our partner isn't doing well, even if we're having sex, guys can tell that too. If I was having sex with my husband twice a week but we never kissed or hugged or had small intimate moments in between that sex wouldn't feel good. It probably would feel like checking the box.
I don't know OP's whole story, maybe her husband is a whiny b. Or maybe she's been having perfunctory sex with him for a few months while rejecting moments of casual intimacy/affection like the one she describes in the OP and its caused her husband's self confidence in the relationship to erode. That seems more in line with him wanting to leave the house after she makes a rather unenthusiastic attempt to sooth his feelings.
Guy here. This woman gets it. Please reread her post several times OP
Anonymous
02/14/2017 10:42
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know everyone is going to freak out, but honestly, he is abusive. You have a toddler, you're pregnant, we know, and a normal man can empathize what that's like. You're exhausted. It was very big of you to apologize and try to communicate....Him talking to you like that, being stone cold, and storming out of the house... my guess would be he's cheating and setting up some weird rejection-while-gaslighting-you game for his advantage. He sounds self-centered and personality disordered. I'm sorry OP.
Are you serious? You do not have enough information to decide this.
It sounds like to me that they have SERIOUS intimacy issues and that the guy's needs are not being met.
That doesn't mean OP should be his personal blow up doll OBVIOUSLY but maybe it does mean she needs to put some work into making sure her husband is feeling loved. And maybe it also means that her DH needs to put some effort into giving her some alone time/space so when these moments arise she's ready to enjoy them instead of recoiling.
To say that her husband expressing frustration with a lack of intimacy is him gaslighting her is IMO way too far. This is way too little information to decide whether or not he's an abusive jerk or OP is a cold mommy martyr. Because seriously a 17 month old is not going to care lets take that off the table.
And I'm a pretty super lefty feminist. But in a marriage, particularly when there are young kids, both people really need to put extra effort into the MARRIAGE not just the parenting if they want to make sure they're not divorcing when the toddler stages are done.
They are having sex a couple of times a week. With a toddler in the house. While she is pregnant.
That's not a lack of intimacy.
Intimacy is not just how many times you have sex. It is the quality of the sex (rote or passionate?), it is general affection during the week that leads to partners feeling confident in their physical/emotional connection. Just as we as women can tell when our connection to our partner isn't doing well, even if we're having sex, guys can tell that too. If I was having sex with my husband twice a week but we never kissed or hugged or had small intimate moments in between that sex wouldn't feel good. It probably would feel like checking the box.
I don't know OP's whole story, maybe her husband is a whiny b. Or maybe she's been having perfunctory sex with him for a few months while rejecting moments of casual intimacy/affection like the one she describes in the OP and its caused her husband's self confidence in the relationship to erode. That seems more in line with him wanting to leave the house after she makes a rather unenthusiastic attempt to sooth his feelings.
Anonymous
02/14/2017 10:24
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know everyone is going to freak out, but honestly, he is abusive. You have a toddler, you're pregnant, we know, and a normal man can empathize what that's like. You're exhausted. It was very big of you to apologize and try to communicate....Him talking to you like that, being stone cold, and storming out of the house... my guess would be he's cheating and setting up some weird rejection-while-gaslighting-you game for his advantage. He sounds self-centered and personality disordered. I'm sorry OP.
Are you serious? You do not have enough information to decide this.
It sounds like to me that they have SERIOUS intimacy issues and that the guy's needs are not being met.
That doesn't mean OP should be his personal blow up doll OBVIOUSLY but maybe it does mean she needs to put some work into making sure her husband is feeling loved. And maybe it also means that her DH needs to put some effort into giving her some alone time/space so when these moments arise she's ready to enjoy them instead of recoiling.
To say that her husband expressing frustration with a lack of intimacy is him gaslighting her is IMO way too far. This is way too little information to decide whether or not he's an abusive jerk or OP is a cold mommy martyr. Because seriously a 17 month old is not going to care lets take that off the table.
And I'm a pretty super lefty feminist. But in a marriage, particularly when there are young kids, both people really need to put extra effort into the MARRIAGE not just the parenting if they want to make sure they're not divorcing when the toddler stages are done.
They are having sex a couple of times a week. With a toddler in the house. While she is pregnant.
That's not a lack of intimacy.
Anonymous
02/14/2017 10:21
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Am I the only female who grans my partner's butt and junk at random times around the house? I can't be.
And does your husband whine about you violating his "body autonomy", whatever that is? Of course not.
People have different tastes, comfort zones and preferences. What works in one relationship at one time is not going to work in another. Just because PP's partner and PP are okay with random grabbing doesn't mean OP has to be okay with random grabbing. She was clear that she doesn't want as much touching right now because she is being mauled by a toddler on a daily basis and is currently pregnant. It is her body. If she doesn't want to be grabbed or fondled right now, she has the right to tell him to quit. He's being a huge, sulky baby. OP already has one baby hanging off her tit and one on the way. She doesn't need a man-baby doing the same.
Anonymous
02/14/2017 10:08
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:
Am I the only female who grabs my partner's butt and junk at random times around the house? I can't be.
LOL. No. I do it too. Needless to say, we also have a very exciting sex-life and a very happy marriage! There is also lots of cuddles, hugs and kisses.
Anonymous
02/14/2017 00:00
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:
Am I the only female who grans my partner's butt and junk at random times around the house? I can't be.
And does your husband whine about you violating his "body autonomy", whatever that is? Of course not.
Anonymous
02/13/2017 21:58
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:Why was your 17 month old sitting in front of the tv while news was on? That's what stuck out to me.
Also, I can't believe this is the first time your husband hasn't respected your body so I'm confused as to why you're having a second child with him. Your husband seems to be an immature ass. You don't initiate Sexy Time with your wife in front of your child.
Anonymous
02/13/2017 21:52
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
Anonymous wrote:You're fine, op. He's in the wrong here. Just let it go and move on.
plus 1
Anonymous
02/13/2017 21:26
Subject: DH mad I asked him not to
maybe you shouldn't wear suggestive clothing - you can't completely blame him if you are.