Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:54     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
OP: Please disregard most of these crazy posters. Don't allow your DH to control the purse strings and dictate YOUR day. A man that doesn't value your worth because you SAH has bigger problems.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:46     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've been in the trenches as a SAHM. The days when you sent your kids outside and told them to be back before dark while you stayed inside and tidied up and maybe baked a cake are long gone.

Kids are now in and out of the house all day long (sometimes with friends). I could pull out my hair and follow them around picking up (or telling them to pick up) after themselves. That isn't the way that I have chosen to spend my time. Instead, I used to get them out to parks, nature centers, story time at the library, the pool, the mall, wherever they could burn off energy. At home, I picked up and made sure that the kitchen was neat, the table was cleaned up, bathrooms stayed reasonable. But the play room would get trashed, their rooms...often a wreck.

Now that they are older and can help out it's easier. But when you've got an active family in/out of the house all day long your house isn't going to look like a museum. You've got to pick your battles and enjoy the little things in life. That's true whether you work or SAHM.




NP here. Why are the days of kids being outside long gone? Is it the video games or is it that outside is "too dangerous" (lol)? Genuinely curious because I don't see a lot of kids outside these days other than mine.


Because it IS dangerous to let your 3 year old run around outside unsupervised for hours at a time. People are sharing memories of their SAHMs from when they were in elementary school or older, not when they were babies and toddlers. It isn't helpful.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:44     Subject: Re:I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:OP here. So many comments to address but I have been busy since posting. I cook almost all of our meals. We go out to eat once a month at the most and get takeout even less often. I have never been a very tidy person. The house is clean but could be neater. For the person above who suggested it, yes, both my mother and grandmother kept incredibly clean houses and both said in later years they wished they had not focused so much time on that and spent more time with their kids. Since posting this, DH has fallen on the sword and I think this may be a turning point in our marriage. Of course there is more behind the comments but it really hurt to question what I do all day when I feel like I give it my all every day and night to the point of complete exhaustion. I am still pursuing part time work as a possibility but I am much more hopeful now than when I originally posted. Thank you for the helpful comments.


Oh, OP. I'm sorry. When we were little, my dad was an associate at a big law firm trying to make partner and NEVER home. He went out of town for a week once, and we didn't even know he was gone. Anyway, the Christmas that I was 8 years old, my brother was 5, and my sister was 1, he got my mom piano lessons for Christmas because he thought she could use a new hobby since she was home all day. She cried.
When was she supposed to go? When was she supposed to practice? He was genuinely trying to be nice, but he had no idea what it is to take care of kids all day and how all-consuming it is. Plus, they are always with you. Doing it is hard enough. Doing it and not having your partner recognize it is so much harder.

He would have done better to get her a babysitter a few hours a week and let her decide if she wanted to take piano lessons during that time or just relax a little.

I hope this is a turning point for you!


Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:35     Subject: Re:I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
I stayed home when my kids were small. My DH used to come home and look around the house, which wasn't tidy, but said nothing although I know he wanted to. Now I work where I don't get every holiday off. He does. So when it's just him and the kids home all day on a holiday, the house is a pigsty from top to bottom when I arrive home. I just chuckle and I grab a broom and start to sweep/ clean. Kids follow suit. No big deal.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:22     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've been in the trenches as a SAHM. The days when you sent your kids outside and told them to be back before dark while you stayed inside and tidied up and maybe baked a cake are long gone.

Kids are now in and out of the house all day long (sometimes with friends). I could pull out my hair and follow them around picking up (or telling them to pick up) after themselves. That isn't the way that I have chosen to spend my time. Instead, I used to get them out to parks, nature centers, story time at the library, the pool, the mall, wherever they could burn off energy. At home, I picked up and made sure that the kitchen was neat, the table was cleaned up, bathrooms stayed reasonable. But the play room would get trashed, their rooms...often a wreck.

Now that they are older and can help out it's easier. But when you've got an active family in/out of the house all day long your house isn't going to look like a museum. You've got to pick your battles and enjoy the little things in life. That's true whether you work or SAHM.




NP here. Why are the days of kids being outside long gone? Is it the video games or is it that outside is "too dangerous" (lol)? Genuinely curious because I don't see a lot of kids outside these days other than mine.


I imagine it is still like that in rural areas and suburbs where many of us grew up. Most of us posting here live in or near the city and it's just not feasible or safe.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 09:19     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:I've been in the trenches as a SAHM. The days when you sent your kids outside and told them to be back before dark while you stayed inside and tidied up and maybe baked a cake are long gone.

Kids are now in and out of the house all day long (sometimes with friends). I could pull out my hair and follow them around picking up (or telling them to pick up) after themselves. That isn't the way that I have chosen to spend my time. Instead, I used to get them out to parks, nature centers, story time at the library, the pool, the mall, wherever they could burn off energy. At home, I picked up and made sure that the kitchen was neat, the table was cleaned up, bathrooms stayed reasonable. But the play room would get trashed, their rooms...often a wreck.

Now that they are older and can help out it's easier. But when you've got an active family in/out of the house all day long your house isn't going to look like a museum. You've got to pick your battles and enjoy the little things in life. That's true whether you work or SAHM.




NP here. Why are the days of kids being outside long gone? Is it the video games or is it that outside is "too dangerous" (lol)? Genuinely curious because I don't see a lot of kids outside these days other than mine.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 08:59     Subject: Re:I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
OP here. So many comments to address but I have been busy since posting. I cook almost all of our meals. We go out to eat once a month at the most and get takeout even less often. I have never been a very tidy person. The house is clean but could be neater. For the person above who suggested it, yes, both my mother and grandmother kept incredibly clean houses and both said in later years they wished they had not focused so much time on that and spent more time with their kids. Since posting this, DH has fallen on the sword and I think this may be a turning point in our marriage. Of course there is more behind the comments but it really hurt to question what I do all day when I feel like I give it my all every day and night to the point of complete exhaustion. I am still pursuing part time work as a possibility but I am much more hopeful now than when I originally posted. Thank you for the helpful comments.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 08:11     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:No woman would ever tolerate a stay-at-home-dad who feels like he shouldn't have to cook most of the meals and keep the house clean. Strangely, this attitude seems to be more and more common among stay-at-home-moms.

At least the OP is responding by getting a job.


People only complain when the SAHD still expects his working wife to do the laundry, cook, and clean. This guy is gone 80% of the time, so she must be doing at least 80% of the cooking and tidying up after the toddler.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 07:17     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
No woman would ever tolerate a stay-at-home-dad who feels like he shouldn't have to cook most of the meals and keep the house clean. Strangely, this attitude seems to be more and more common among stay-at-home-moms.

At least the OP is responding by getting a job.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 07:15     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
I've been in the trenches as a SAHM. The days when you sent your kids outside and told them to be back before dark while you stayed inside and tidied up and maybe baked a cake are long gone.

Kids are now in and out of the house all day long (sometimes with friends). I could pull out my hair and follow them around picking up (or telling them to pick up) after themselves. That isn't the way that I have chosen to spend my time. Instead, I used to get them out to parks, nature centers, story time at the library, the pool, the mall, wherever they could burn off energy. At home, I picked up and made sure that the kitchen was neat, the table was cleaned up, bathrooms stayed reasonable. But the play room would get trashed, their rooms...often a wreck.

Now that they are older and can help out it's easier. But when you've got an active family in/out of the house all day long your house isn't going to look like a museum. You've got to pick your battles and enjoy the little things in life. That's true whether you work or SAHM.



Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 06:52     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
He's cheating, dude. This is how he justifies to himself you're a bad wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 06:50     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.


This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days


This exactly! We have once a week cleaners, and you can't tell within 2 days. I want to cry every time my two year old and I are at home for more than an hour. She trashes a room in 10 minutes. We also try to spend a lot of time out of the house for everyone's sanity. But yeah, at home with small kid means your house is messy, not clean.


+1. It's insane how fast a kid can trash a clean house. Crumbs, spills, "washable" markers, toys dumped everywhere...ugh. It's a constant uphill battle.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2016 06:34     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Time for him to take a week of vacation to stay at home with toddler while you go visit friends/family. You can Skype every night to see how clean the house is.


Um no. The trade is that OP should start working and commuting and her husband can stay at home with the kids and clean.


Seriously. Only a lazy SAHM would suggest the former. Hello - options are not vacation or sit on arse at home and complain about working spouse. ?



Commuting and being out of town are two entirely different things. He travels out of town more than half the month. White gloving the house after skipping out is unsupportive. Also, we have no idea if he is complaining about normal messes she should be handling or getting OCD about details. It's really hard to deep clean when you're on 24/7 with no breaks. If it's dishes and regular tidying that def needs to be addressed. In a conversation, not silent seething. Having these two swap duties for awhile might help both understand the others perspective.
Anonymous
Post 12/22/2016 23:15     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Time for him to take a week of vacation to stay at home with toddler while you go visit friends/family. You can Skype every night to see how clean the house is.


Um no. The trade is that OP should start working and commuting and her husband can stay at home with the kids and clean.


Seriously. Only a lazy SAHM would suggest the former. Hello - options are not vacation or sit on arse at home and complain about working spouse. ?
Anonymous
Post 12/22/2016 21:43     Subject: I just found out why my DH has been treating me like crap for 3 years
Anonymous wrote:
Guerita32 wrote:Kids are so messy and it is hard to keep the house clean with kids in it! It is hard to keep my house clean on a Saturday and we have housekeeper that comes once a week!!

If he has been treating you like crap for this long... you should perhaps seek counseling.


This. Kids. You can clean one room, and their crap is all over the other room. Whoosh them out of that room so you can clean it and the next room will have their crap all over it. It is important that you guys discuss what is reasonable in terms of cleaning and that you also make clear that staying home IS a job and a real fucking hard one some days


This exactly! We have once a week cleaners, and you can't tell within 2 days. I want to cry every time my two year old and I are at home for more than an hour. She trashes a room in 10 minutes. We also try to spend a lot of time out of the house for everyone's sanity. But yeah, at home with small kid means your house is messy, not clean.