Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 17:21     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.


And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?


It's been explained in this thread more than once.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 16:52     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.


And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 15:12     Subject: Re:Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
OP here - I'm sorry I'm not the only one who 'gets' the dynamic but it's nice to have your support. Thanks for posting, I really appreciate it.

I'm ignoring ignorati. I've had years of practice! I know that it can be really hard for people who haven't lived it to understand the issue isn't about picking up the phone and placing an order.

Hugs, everyone - and I do mean everyone.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 12:20     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.



I feel your pain, PP. My situation is very similar to yours and it's beyond irritating that people don't understand that the kind of control your parents and my parents wielded over us is at least the precursor to the kind of control that spousal abusers hold over their spouses, which apparently to some on this thread, is the only kind of "real" abuse that exists. I left home and married an alcoholic abuser and his methods were just a step away from my mother's.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 11:47     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 11:35     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Hey, it's free food. I'll call it in.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2016 11:34     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.


+1. This is true for my DH, too. Easier to just order myself.


Don't project your incompetent husbands onto other people. OP has said hers was capable of doing this elementary school task.


I make my wife text me with *exactly* what she wants.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2016 14:55     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


X1,000
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2016 08:32     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Couldn't it be a whole different kind of internal dialogue?
...
She presses this issue because she wants her DD to hold up her part of the bond.


Absolutely it could. And if it happened just once or twice, no big deal. The problem is that this kind of effort to force or control the bonding tends to be ever-present, and it does warp healthy relationships.

If it can't be refused (graciously), then it isn't a gift. It's an obligation. If your relationship with someone is fraught with obligations in the dressing of gifts, things become difficult. If you are expected to participate in the game, you can end up making less of yourself as you squeeze in to fit. That's not the same as being riddled with bullet holes, but it is its own kind of slow death.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2016 08:29     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:Op, can you please explain why you refused to order? I get that your mom was being totally weird, but I don't get why you dug in your heels. Do you have takeout order anxiety, too? Or were you just enjoying the power struggle? Or what?



Because this shit is inheritable

It scares me when raging idiots watch Dr. Phil and learn words like "boundaries."
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2016 07:54     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Do you people have lives? This is what you get all torqued up about? Why don't you leave your million dollar castles and volunteer at a women's shelter if you want to see what real abuse looks like? It's really vile that some of you consider this abuse.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2016 07:36     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.


I'm glad you came by and showed us the light. We can close the thread now.


+1

It's really nice that the OP's mother dropped in to post, lol.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2016 23:47     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order

Couldn't it be a whole different kind of internal dialogue?

"I'm gonna treat Larla to that Indian dinner stuff she introduced me to. It's our thing now. Me and Larla."

Offers to buy dinner, and wants her DD to be excited by this new thing they share. Instead is disappointed because "she's handing off the calling-in business to her DH like it wasn't this awesome thing we'd just shared--our mother/daughter thing. How mean!"

She presses this issue because she wants her DD to hold up her part of the bond.

Not at power struggle, and certainly not abuse. Just an unchecked desire to connect with her DD and an over-investment in (what to the DD/OP) was a small culinary transaction.

Anonymous
Post 08/31/2016 23:34     Subject: Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Anybody suggesting there is any abuse by mother towards daughter in this situation, is seriously insulting people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse. It is truly sad to see how how self centered and without any reference for real pain and suffering our society has become.


Go be insulted somewhere else; it's not a freaking competition. Just because some parents abuse their kids horrifically that doesn't mean that other parents don't also abuse their kids to a lesser degree.


This is true but OP didn't describe anything abusive.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2016 22:08     Subject: Re:Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order
Anonymous wrote:Guess what, honey? Your mommy paid for your dinner. You don't have a leg to stand on.

You want to play power games? You pay for dinner, like an adult.