Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

OK OP, you need to share what other aspects of your relationship you are disappointed in. Then DCUM will tell you if you are out of line or legitimately upset.

PS you don't have to like a lot of jewelry to be materialistic.
PPS I agree you should be happy with your ring. I loved my ring, but it took a long time to get a wedding band that I liked equally as well. You need something you'll be happy with. Ring and man.

If this is actually true (the extensive shopping, he was told which one NOT to buy and bought it), then you do have a problem. However, I really don't understand why, if the two of you were shopping for rings together, you didn't just buy the ring together. Then you would have gotten exactly what you wanted. It's not exactly a surprise traditional romantic proposal if you've already done a lot of shopping for the ring anyway.

He wanted to be the one to design it on his own after we went to different jewelers looking at different rings to see which I liked and which I didn't. He wanted to leave some element of surprise for me such as the final ring and the proposal itself.

I know he deeply cares for me and loves me. It's just that I sometimes feel that he doesn't go out of his way to do some things exactly as I want the, in an effort to show me he cares? If I was buying an engagement ring for someone, for example, I'd go out of my way to ensure I knew as much about what someone wanted before making the purchase. I'd want to meet their expectations. I sometimes feel like he doesn't care to. Now it's quite possible that my expectations are crazy and unrealistic.

I remember when we first started going out he was going to Paris for a work trip. He told me he would bring me chocolates. I was so excited. I've never been to Paris and never had chocolates from Paris. Although I did not expect him to, I was touched he was gonna bring me something small from Paris.

He of course, forgot to buy me the chocolates. I felt let down and as if he didn't care to meet my expectation.I wanted him to do something to impress me. He didn't even try.


OP, you agreed to let him surprise you with the final ring. Perhaps you should have taken a bit more time to reflect on what this meant before you agreed to it. One of the possible consequences was that he wouldn't get the exact setting you wanted.

Anyway, with the nagging doubts that you have about your fiance, I think you should learn the lesson from ceding control about your ring, and reflect more on what the things that bother you are, and why they bother you. Do they show a pattern of behavior in your fiance that gives you pause? Now is the time to do this. If you need help with that, make an appointment with a therapist. Better to do that before you make any more plans and put deposits that may be non-refundable down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

OK OP, you need to share what other aspects of your relationship you are disappointed in. Then DCUM will tell you if you are out of line or legitimately upset.

PS you don't have to like a lot of jewelry to be materialistic.
PPS I agree you should be happy with your ring. I loved my ring, but it took a long time to get a wedding band that I liked equally as well. You need something you'll be happy with. Ring and man.

If this is actually true (the extensive shopping, he was told which one NOT to buy and bought it), then you do have a problem. However, I really don't understand why, if the two of you were shopping for rings together, you didn't just buy the ring together. Then you would have gotten exactly what you wanted. It's not exactly a surprise traditional romantic proposal if you've already done a lot of shopping for the ring anyway.

He wanted to be the one to design it on his own after we went to different jewelers looking at different rings to see which I liked and which I didn't. He wanted to leave some element of surprise for me such as the final ring and the proposal itself.

I know he deeply cares for me and loves me. It's just that I sometimes feel that he doesn't go out of his way to do some things exactly as I want the, in an effort to show me he cares? If I was buying an engagement ring for someone, for example, I'd go out of my way to ensure I knew as much about what someone wanted before making the purchase. I'd want to meet their expectations. I sometimes feel like he doesn't care to. Now it's quite possible that my expectations are crazy and unrealistic.

I remember when we first started going out he was going to Paris for a work trip. He told me he would bring me chocolates. I was so excited. I've never been to Paris and never had chocolates from Paris. Although I did not expect him to, I was touched he was gonna bring me something small from Paris.

He of course, forgot to buy me the chocolates. I felt let down and as if he didn't care to meet my expectation.I wanted him to do something to impress me. He didn't even try.

Your example 1 and example 2 and two completely different scenarios. The ring thing is frankly ludicrous. Why are you pinning all your hopes and dreams about what you think your marriage will be onto this one piece of jewelry? Honestly, if you've been drilling into him from day 1 for four years how over the top important this ring is to you, you're lucky he didn't ditch you back then. That would scare the crap out of me if I were a guy. Honestly, how high maintenance can you get? If a ring is that important to you, then you should be with him when he buys it. It seems pretty clear that he put a LOT of effort into getting you what you wanted while also making it special and something from him (which is what an engagement ring should be -- not some carbon copy made to your exact specifications -- you should look down at it and think about the effort he put into it, not the effort YOU put into it). But he's also a guy, and the two rings probably look identical to him.

The chocolates thing is different. You had no expectations about them until he raised them and then didn't follow through. Does he do that a lot? If it just happened the one time, I don't see the big deal. He was probably busy with work and maybe it was just an offhand comment and he forgot all about it while you were all squee-ing on the inside about French chocolates but he didn't realize that you had gotten all worked up about them. If this kind of thing happens a lot, then it's a big deal. My DH used to be far too casual with the words that come out of his mouth. e.g., check is in the mail, your mothers day present is on its way, I'll be there in five minutes. These sound like little things, but after five years together and you realize you can't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth, it's a big problem. Especially when you have kids and he starts doing it to them.

Yup. OP is juvenile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

OK OP, you need to share what other aspects of your relationship you are disappointed in. Then DCUM will tell you if you are out of line or legitimately upset.

PS you don't have to like a lot of jewelry to be materialistic.
PPS I agree you should be happy with your ring. I loved my ring, but it took a long time to get a wedding band that I liked equally as well. You need something you'll be happy with. Ring and man.

If this is actually true (the extensive shopping, he was told which one NOT to buy and bought it), then you do have a problem. However, I really don't understand why, if the two of you were shopping for rings together, you didn't just buy the ring together. Then you would have gotten exactly what you wanted. It's not exactly a surprise traditional romantic proposal if you've already done a lot of shopping for the ring anyway.

He wanted to be the one to design it on his own after we went to different jewelers looking at different rings to see which I liked and which I didn't. He wanted to leave some element of surprise for me such as the final ring and the proposal itself.

I know he deeply cares for me and loves me. It's just that I sometimes feel that he doesn't go out of his way to do some things exactly as I want the, in an effort to show me he cares? If I was buying an engagement ring for someone, for example, I'd go out of my way to ensure I knew as much about what someone wanted before making the purchase. I'd want to meet their expectations. I sometimes feel like he doesn't care to. Now it's quite possible that my expectations are crazy and unrealistic.

I remember when we first started going out he was going to Paris for a work trip. He told me he would bring me chocolates. I was so excited. I've never been to Paris and never had chocolates from Paris. Although I did not expect him to, I was touched he was gonna bring me something small from Paris.

He of course, forgot to buy me the chocolates. I felt let down and as if he didn't care to meet my expectation.I wanted him to do something to impress me. He didn't even try.

Your example 1 and example 2 and two completely different scenarios. The ring thing is frankly ludicrous. Why are you pinning all your hopes and dreams about what you think your marriage will be onto this one piece of jewelry? Honestly, if you've been drilling into him from day 1 for four years how over the top important this ring is to you, you're lucky he didn't ditch you back then. That would scare the crap out of me if I were a guy. Honestly, how high maintenance can you get? If a ring is that important to you, then you should be with him when he buys it. It seems pretty clear that he put a LOT of effort into getting you what you wanted while also making it special and something from him (which is what an engagement ring should be -- not some carbon copy made to your exact specifications -- you should look down at it and think about the effort he put into it, not the effort YOU put into it). But he's also a guy, and the two rings probably look identical to him.

The chocolates thing is different. You had no expectations about them until he raised them and then didn't follow through. Does he do that a lot? If it just happened the one time, I don't see the big deal. He was probably busy with work and maybe it was just an offhand comment and he forgot all about it while you were all squee-ing on the inside about French chocolates but he didn't realize that you had gotten all worked up about them. If this kind of thing happens a lot, then it's a big deal. My DH used to be far too casual with the words that come out of his mouth. e.g., check is in the mail, your mothers day present is on its way, I'll be there in five minutes. These sound like little things, but after five years together and you realize you can't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth, it's a big problem. Especially when you have kids and he starts doing it to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what the difference is between those two halo rings. Can you explain?

Re: op - the unsympathetic perspective here is obvious.

The more sympathetic perspective is that this ring is probably a good metaphor for life together, as is your response here. How do you react when your partner's good faith, great faith, effort leaves you feeling disappointed?

If you can figure out how to manage your own disappointment, and your communication, in ways that don't blow the whole thing up - well, that's promising.

+1 this.

Your fiance did the best he could, you clearly have very specific tastes he didn't see. As a DW, I can see what you are saying when you point it out, but I would have made the same mistake. And I have a custom made ring I picked out, so I do care.

You need to either a) accept that he did the best he could and came from the right place and move on or b) have it reset quietly to look like what you want or c) decide you don't want a lifetime of disappointment and move on. Only you know which one is the right thing to do for you.

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

I agree that if you pointed out the *exact* ring he gave you as one you didn't like that is problematic. And if there are other disappointments, well that may really be telling you something. If your gut is saying you are disappointed, you will be now and later, whether it seems rational or not. So you should move on. Maybe life will tell you that you made a hasty decision, but it's probably something you need to learn the hard way.

I also advise that if these rings are so special you should tell the next guy exactly what you want, down the the URL, and be honest that it's a quirk for you that you are hung up about and that you'll be more flexible about the wedding, where you live and other things. He can take it or leave it (and you can take or leave his strengths and weaknesses) and be happier for it.

But please do return the ring when you break up with this guy. You won't be wearing it anyways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what the difference is between those two halo rings. Can you explain?

Re: op - the unsympathetic perspective here is obvious.

The more sympathetic perspective is that this ring is probably a good metaphor for life together, as is your response here. How do you react when your partner's good faith, great faith, effort leaves you feeling disappointed?

If you can figure out how to manage your own disappointment, and your communication, in ways that don't blow the whole thing up - well, that's promising.

+1 this.

Your fiance did the best he could, you clearly have very specific tastes he didn't see. As a DW, I can see what you are saying when you point it out, but I would have made the same mistake. And I have a custom made ring I picked out, so I do care.

You need to either a) accept that he did the best he could and came from the right place and move on or b) have it reset quietly to look like what you want or c) decide you don't want a lifetime of disappointment and move on. Only you know which one is the right thing to do for you.

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you let him pick the ring??? What did you think would happen?

We went to look at rings together. I told him I wanted a delicate halo like this below:




But he got me something like this:



The halo has a gap around the diamond. It's a beautiful stone and I love it but I dislike the setting. I'm irked because I specificslly showed him the kind of halo I wanted.

these look exactly teh same setting

No it really doesn't. OP I understand what you mean. The second one looks cheap. Sorry. I would take it back. You're never going to make yourself love it. It's not what you want.

I agree that the 2 rings look different; however I wouldn't call the 2nd one cheap looking. Sheeesh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you let him pick the ring??? What did you think would happen?

We went to look at rings together. I told him I wanted a delicate halo like this below:




But he got me something like this:



The halo has a gap around the diamond. It's a beautiful stone and I love it but I dislike the setting. I'm irked because I specificslly showed him the kind of halo I wanted.

these look exactly teh same setting

No it really doesn't. OP I understand what you mean. The second one looks cheap. Sorry. I would take it back. You're never going to make yourself love it. It's not what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP. I don't wear any jewelry so I always knew my engagement ring had to be special because I would wear it forever. I emphasized it to him during the 4 years that we dated. How I actually cared about my engagement ring, not because I am materialistic ( I do not own any other jewelry) but because of sentimental value. I went with him to multiple jewelry stores and specified what kind of halo I wanted. We took pictures.

He still gave me the one I specified I did NOT like the look of.

Unfortunately there are other aspects of my relationship that I am also disappointed in. Not sure if I have crazy high expectations or they are legitimate grievances.

OK OP, you need to share what other aspects of your relationship you are disappointed in. Then DCUM will tell you if you are out of line or legitimately upset.

PS you don't have to like a lot of jewelry to be materialistic.
PPS I agree you should be happy with your ring. I loved my ring, but it took a long time to get a wedding band that I liked equally as well. You need something you'll be happy with. Ring and man.

If this is actually true (the extensive shopping, he was told which one NOT to buy and bought it), then you do have a problem. However, I really don't understand why, if the two of you were shopping for rings together, you didn't just buy the ring together. Then you would have gotten exactly what you wanted. It's not exactly a surprise traditional romantic proposal if you've already done a lot of shopping for the ring anyway.

He wanted to be the one to design it on his own after we went to different jewelers looking at different rings to see which I liked and which I didn't. He wanted to leave some element of surprise for me such as the final ring and the proposal itself.

I know he deeply cares for me and loves me. It's just that I sometimes feel that he doesn't go out of his way to do some things exactly as I want the, in an effort to show me he cares? If I was buying an engagement ring for someone, for example, I'd go out of my way to ensure I knew as much about what someone wanted before making the purchase. I'd want to meet their expectations. I sometimes feel like he doesn't care to. Now it's quite possible that my expectations are crazy and unrealistic.

I remember when we first started going out he was going to Paris for a work trip. He told me he would bring me chocolates. I was so excited. I've never been to Paris and never had chocolates from Paris. Although I did not expect him to, I was touched he was gonna bring me something small from Paris.

He of course, forgot to buy me the chocolates. I felt let down and as if he didn't care to meet my expectation.I wanted him to do something to impress me. He didn't even try.