Anonymous wrote:She is basically his life coach and his manager. That IS her job. Just leave them alone.

if he needs a home life-coach and manager to stay on track she hasn't really helped him that much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They met at 19. I repeat its a starter marriage. Kids with working wife number 2.

No, they met when SHE was 19-20. HE was 26-27 and now is mid-30s.

Oh, so he was still a loser at 26-27?

That doesn't make your case any better. If she was a cunning gold digger, she would have used her hot, young 19 year old self to land an accomplished man. Instead she fell in love with your son for who he was and helped him find his way. I think you should be thankful for her!

I feel like OP is jealous that her son's wife got him sorted out on a good path, where she wasn't able to as a parent. And she's envious of that. It's warped, but not uncommon.

If you leave them alone, really leave them alone about this, for a long time, only then will you be in position to know anything.

No snide comments, no nothing. Just friendly and supportive.

Maybe she doesn't know how to get a job for herself- does she have any skills? What is her education? Did she sacrifice gaining skills because she was supporting your son?

Spend more time listening, and you can figure out how to be supportive. Not interfering.

She is basically his life coach and his manager. That IS her job. Just leave them alone.

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

You don't try to stay out of it, you just do. They have not involved you in this. How do people like you manage to get through so many years in the workplace without learning how to manage your own feelings? Were you always this emotionally unstable? The fact that you continue to make assertions about things you don't know (also, the job search is an important part of the "work" of getting a job) proves you really have a problem here. I bet this is much deeper than your son and DIL. It sounds like they are just the most recent targets of you emotional problems. You should consider getting help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Maybe she just doesn't want to work. What exactly is so wrong about that? Are you just jealous?

I'll never understand why some people care so much what other people do.

Besides, maybe she's a web cam girl and they don't want you to know.

Who knows?

Haha--I'm the following PP who thought the same thing without reading your post. Funny we came to the same conclusion!

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

You contradicted yourself. You claim you "just" don't get it as if you want to understand, then admit you "just" don't want your son to support someone for the rest of his life. First of all, beginning a statement with "just" doesn't make it less inappropriate or soften the meaning of what you're saying. You don't need to understand their choices. You also are way off base to think it matters what you want for your sons life. It's his life. It sounds like you have a decent enough relationship. I promise you will only become less influential if you pursue this issue. Also, you don't know their situation and should project onto the rest of their lives. Maybe she has a huge inheritance they are keeping from the nosy MIL, maybe she makes tons of money from an adult webcam show. Who knows? NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Between your defensiveness and trying to predict the future, it sounds like you have severe anxiety issues. We limit contact with my MIL for that reason. Be careful.

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Maybe she just doesn't want to work. What exactly is so wrong about that? Are you just jealous?

I'll never understand why some people care so much what other people do.

Besides, maybe she's a web cam girl and they don't want you to know.

Who knows?

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

OP seems very judge mental and obviously dislikes the wife. Like thanks for getting so. To work. Now she's a gold digger.

Anonymous wrote:MIL your son seems very high maintenance. It's pbsbly all he can do to get to work. Ever think about YOUR role in raising a lazy pot head ?

She probably didn't have time to think about it because she was too busy being people pleasing at work and chasing career milestones to prove her worth.

Signed, a working woman who takes pride in my choices and doesn't need to making stupid assumptions or judge others to validate myself.

Anonymous wrote:MIL your son seems very high maintenance. It's pbsbly all he can do to get to work. Ever think about YOUR role in raising a lazy pot head ?

Oh dear watch out for your assumptions. For example it's possible she thinks about it all the time, and may or may not have been able to make anything different for this man. Having kids is a genuine, real-life crapshoot, and you have NO IDEA what the ultimate outcome will be.

MIL your son seems very high maintenance. It's pbsbly all he can do to get to work. Ever think about YOUR role in raising a lazy pot head ?

I don't work but it takes all my time managing DH. no we are NOT having kids. He's enough.