Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

It's not a contest. Bully for you .. you have sex more than once a week, the PP has sex once a week. Nobody cares about your pat on your back. Do you want a cookie?

You need to get laid. Why so angry? The point is that not all men expect the bolded above, contrary to what that poster said. If yours does, sorry your husband is a d-bag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you must be under 35. Talk to women you know who are over 50.

I'm 38. Friends are 35-45.

Ok. I knew you weren't born in the 1960s. Men and women who are in their early 50s and late 40s and who still have teenagers at home generally have a much more retro, and thus shittier, deal than you and your friends do.

For couples between the ages of about 45 and 55, I'm going to guess that menopause plays a role in sexual frequency and marital satisfaction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you must be under 35. Talk to women you know who are over 50.

I'm 38. Friends are 35-45.

Ok. I knew you weren't born in the 1960s. Men and women who are in their early 50s and late 40s and who still have teenagers at home generally have a much more retro, and thus shittier, deal than you and your friends do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

It's not a contest. Bully for you .. you have sex more than once a week, the PP has sex once a week. Nobody cares about your pat on your back. Do you want a cookie?

Anonymous wrote:PP, you must be under 35. Talk to women you know who are over 50.

I'm 38. Friends are 35-45.

PP, you must be under 35. Talk to women you know who are over 50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

Who is generalizing now. Imagine, just imagine for a second, somebody's life is not like yours.

What generalization? Was doing the opposite actually - indicating that that isn't my experience, nor is it that of most of my friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

My husband does expect all that, gets it (other than the porn star sex) and still can't be bothered. He really must be gay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

Who is generalizing now. Imagine, just imagine for a second, somebody's life is not like yours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.

Um, no. You simply need a woman who actually values her marriage enough to prioritize even 60 minutes per week for intimacy.
No nanny, surrogate, or plastic surgeon required. Just a wife with a shred of loyalty to her marriage vows.

Bullshit.

There are plenty of men complaining about once a week. They complain that bedtime routine takes 1 hour, poor little bunny doesn't get attention every night.

Plenty of guys won't screw their wife if they gain 20 lbs.

The expections put on wives is to make 50 % of the money do 75% of the housework, do 75% of the child rearing, manage all family relations and to have sex like a porn star and to look like a model.

A small percentage are in sexless marriages. Many men describe their life as "sexless" even though they get sex weekly.

This.

Woman here. I think that's an unfair generalization.

Another here who disagrees. My husband doesn't expect that, because he's an adult, not a neanderthal. We have equal and fair expectations of each other. And we have sex a few times a week (even - gasp! - with 2 jobs, young kids, etc)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

If she's into lifelong fitness and staying in shape (for herself) its often a good indicator that she'll have a sex drive and not lose sight of herself after having kids. That's not to say that an asshole husband can't kill her drive.

Also: is she sexually aggressive? Is she in a male oriented profession? Is she a flirt? Does she notice other men? I'm a woman who has never de-prioritized sex and all 4 of these apply to me. Being sexual is a big source of self esteem to me, another reason why I don't let my sex drive droop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you start your life in abject poverty or you end up with a serious illness (neither of which I would minimize) if you work hard and don't make any major mistakes (don't have a kid before you're married or ready to, do your homework and get good grades, major in a demand field, work hard at your job) it's not hard to find yourself on dry land (not millionaire mind you, but middle upper middle class).

I tend to find that people (unless they started in abject poverty -- again not minimizing that -- inequality is a huge problem our country needs to deal with) that plan wisely and defer gratification in their teens and early 20s, don't have to be in such a shitty predicament in their 30s. YMMV.

If you are referring to me (PP), well yes, we did pretty much start out poor as shit. Put ourselves through school. Lots of debt that had to be repaid. People are different. There is no "average." And you are judgmental.

Fair enough, I don't know you so I'm not going to judge your situation. Sounds like my views don't really relate to what you've been through. However, many people here on DCUM who started out as solidly Middle Class seem to end up in these sexless passionless marriages and I can only assume if they'd care a little bit less about piling up responsibilities to impress the neighbors and focus on their relationship they would be better off.

And that's probably true. Nevertheless what you describe above isn't exactly exciting either. It's like some people on here think that life is utterly pointless if you are not having daily sex. News flash - many, many married couples, especially those with young children, aren't having regular sex and this has probably never been the case. It's a fiction.

If you don't have regular sex, yes, life is much, much less enjoyable. Not pointless, but a huge drag.

Not PP, but if you don't want to have sex, having sex IS a drag. Not enjoyable at all. I'd be miserable if my DH "expected" sex and I felt "obligated" to do it. Talk about mood killer.

You are right, it is a mood killer. That's why I got an AP - so tired of having sex when my husband would rather be watching TV.

Anonymous wrote:
3-I feel like he is only nice to me when he wants sex and that makes me resentful

Not at all saying this is the case for PP, but "only nice when he wants sex" reminded me of similar comments by my wife at times. When my wife made a comment along those lines, it surprised me and made me a little mad. I feel like: a) I'm frequently kind, thoughtful, and nice to my wife; and b) my wife takes me for granted and often doesn't notice me. She does notice me when I'm trying to initiate sex, but notices me negatively. If I'm not doing something that generates negative attention, I might as well be part of the furniture. So, no matter how many nonsexual touches I've initiated -- no expectation of sex, no move to escalate, nothing but a touch on the arm, back scratch, kiss on the cheek, foot massage, whatever -- when I do touch her in a sexual way, she notices that and forgets (or never noticed) the other interactions.

There's no winning in that scenario.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Schedule is the biggest culprit.

"Schedule" is bullshit. You just aren't prioritizing sex. You're busy with work, kids, pets, exercise, etc.? OK, but there are 168 hours in the week, don't tell me you can't set ONE of those hours aside for sex. Stop putting sex at the bottom of the list and letting "other things" push sex off the list.

WHY you don't want to prioritize sex is the real question.

Spoken like a man who would put sex before kids, work, pets, exercise, etc.

Grow up, perv.

Math is hard. Especially for women.

One hour a week for sex leaves 167 other hours for kids, work, pets, exercise, etc. -- and that's plenty of time.

Logic is hard. Especially for women.

If you don't have sex then your kids, work, pets, exercise, etc. -- i.e., your whole life -- will suffer because your spouse will divorce you or cheat. (And if you are a woman, all the other women on DCUM will cheer you on for doing so.)

Grow up, twat.

Text your mom from the basement, you sound hungry and cranky. She needs to bring you some food.

What I'm going to do is teach my son to avoid women who think wanting one hour of sex a week makes you a "perv", "emotionally immature" with "unrealistic expectations", and a "a typical d!ck who speaks from and for his penis." There are lots of women out there, and he doesn't need one with that kind of obnoxious attitude.

Good grief, listen to yourselves. YOU ARE CRAZY. It is entirely possible, reasonable, and necessary to have sex on a regular basis, despite your "schedule".

um, fwiw, i'm one the posters who said "schedule" and I primarily meant DH's schedule. He's rarely home, and doesn't prioritize sex over things like sleep, health, food, etc. i probably could work in an hour every week, but he can't or won't. and when I see that I "probably could", it would have to come out of my sleep, and since I'm only averaging about 6 hours/night, i'm not going to nag him to set aside time. so, yes, scheduling is a problem, and it's not because i'm a frigid twat. we're both busy, overscheduled people with demanding jobs and 2 kids and something is always falling through the cracks. these days, it's sex. But that's at least as much his fault as mine. it stresses him out when I try to set aside date nights.

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about the points below:

What makes you unattracted to your spouse?

Are you still attracted to and turned on by other men (cute doctor, guy at the gym etc) or is that part of your brain just switched off entirely?

What would you say is the main reason (relationship or otherwise) that you and your spouse are not sexually active?

Do you still take care of your own needs? (Masturbation)

We are down to once every week, sometimes once every two. That seems like not regular to me.

1-the way he treats me. He used to be affectionate. AFter DC2, no more affection, pretty mean to me a lot of the time.
2-hell yes, lots of fantasies to blow off steam, but no way I would cheat.
3-I feel like he is only nice to me when he wants sex and that makes me resentful
4-regularly

All this said, we have been trying to talk more about it and find ways to come back together now that kids are getting older. Trying to make myself respond to his advances even if I don't want to at the time. I hope things will get better.