Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, is this the same guy with one teen DD who constantly posts about his horrible wife but refuses to bite the bullet and actually leave her?

Yes, it's him again! He's like a bad penny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

You don't have kids, you are not qualified to comment on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Listen, Bucko. I am a DW and I couldn't give a fuck about throw pillows. You are pretty daft if you think the emotional labor in a marriage with children is about paint and throw pillows. Please, please, please remain single. It is best for everyone. You need to just have new relationship after new relationship. You are not built for the day to day of a real marriage. You are too immature. Unfortunately, so are most men. We need to change the way we raise you people.

Why is your way better? You fancy "more responsibilities" superior? You haven't provided normative, let alone empirical evidence, justifying such a claim. If I could find a woman who would love to build a life together, travel together, save for retirement together, pursue our collective and individual passions together who wouldn't feel the need to turn into Mrs. Doubtfire, I'd be game. I'm super loyal, I'm just not interested in committing into a relationship that involves becoming responsible for 1,000 things that have nothing to do with the person herself.

Dude, WTF are you talking about? Where do you get superior? I'm talking about day-to-day reality of raising children and maintaining a relationship with your spouse. It's fucking hard. Misunderstandings occur. Everyone has to talk and compromise and realize that what you thought was going to happen when it was just the two of you in those sunny, happy, let's-plan-our-lives days is not always what you get. Honestly, seriously, no snark at all, based on what you just typed, you need to find a woman who doesn't want any children. You really have no clue. People who don't have children never do. I didn't. DH and I were just talking about it the other day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Listen, Bucko. I am a DW and I couldn't give a fuck about throw pillows. You are pretty daft if you think the emotional labor in a marriage with children is about paint and throw pillows. Please, please, please remain single. It is best for everyone. You need to just have new relationship after new relationship. You are not built for the day to day of a real marriage. You are too immature. Unfortunately, so are most men. We need to change the way we raise you people.

Why is your way better? You fancy "more responsibilities" superior? You haven't provided normative, let alone empirical evidence, justifying such a claim. If I could find a woman who would love to build a life together, travel together, save for retirement together, pursue our collective and individual passions together who wouldn't feel the need to turn into Mrs. Doubtfire, I'd be game. I'm super loyal, I'm just not interested in committing into a relationship that involves becoming responsible for 1,000 things that have nothing to do with the person herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Listen, Bucko. I am a DW and I couldn't give a fuck about throw pillows. You are pretty daft if you think the emotional labor in a marriage with children is about paint and throw pillows. Please, please, please remain single. It is best for everyone. You need to just have new relationship after new relationship. You are not built for the day to day of a real marriage. You are too immature. Unfortunately, so are most men. We need to change the way we raise you people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women love their children more then their husbands. Don't think that's odd, it just is. Men probably do too. However - - children need a happy home with parents who love each other. Women do the most harm to their children when they push away the children's father.

I like how this is automatically on the woman. Like men don't do a total 180 after a few years of marriage and come on to their wives by making some crass joke or just cold going in for the kill at the worst possible moment. Sets the wife up to disappoint her husband. Husbands who also once had conversations about life aspirations and plans with their wives suddenly find these things to be too stressful so conversations are then relegated to nothing. Husbands who have been grown for 20 years, whose wives work full-time suddenly can't figure out how to feed a toddler with a stocked kitchen and need explicit direction despite their wife not giving a shit what the child eats as long as it's not sour patch kids and coffee.

Anonymous wrote:Women love their children more then their husbands. Don't think that's odd, it just is. Men probably do too. However - - children need a happy home with parents who love each other. Women do the most harm to their children when they push away the children's father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

If you are a bachelor forming impressions about "DWs" as a group, you probably shouldn't get married.

I am a 33 year old man who has always envisioned himself getting married. However, as I've watched my friends marriages evolve I hear from my guy friends about the ways their DWs change, esp. as it relates to interest in sex. It almost always goes down and stays much lower. Why would anyone want any part of that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.