Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you get meds for flying? My grandma used to take valium.

OP here. I can and I do! As well as a ton of other techniques. So I can manage to get on the plane. It's just an awful experience. It's worth it to be at my neices Bat Mitzvah. The vacation aspect is a totally different calculus.

If you're getting help for your phobia, are usually close, and he lives nearby, would you consider inviting him to one of your therapy sessions? Plan ahead with your counselor what you would like to cover in the conversation. Be prepared to hear his side too, but it might help him to get where you're coming from in a way that arguing about it can't. And regardless of whether you do this or not, try to make the distinction clearer that going (or not) on this trip is not an accurate measure of affection for him and his children.

Apologies if this was already mentioned by someone - I didn't go through all the responses.

Anonymous wrote:Awful on his part. We are hoping to have my son's bar mitzvah in Israel but it would just be immediate family, we would never expect anyone else to join. As an aside, for those who think this is the cheap way out and folks should throw a typical party, I respectfully disagree.

Its not really a party for your son -- its a vacation for the family. It does not involved the community at all. But if you are that kind of person -- just family -- then that work for you. But it is not the same as hosting a religious party for the boy's community of friends and relatives. ALL of the money spent goes to you, compared to doing something for others. see how it works?

Anonymous wrote:"Family is close" may not mean it's emotionally healthy. Op, may have trouble seeing it. It should not continue to the next generation if "this closeness" is based on emotional manipulation.

+ 1,000,000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.

OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.

And that is FINE.
But then you can't fault your brother for being offended that you are putting some other travel first (even though he sounds like an annoying idiot as well).

It's crazy to expect you to haul your entire family, including you with a diagnosed anxiety issue about flying, all the way to Israel, a place you have little interest in visiting, just for your nephew's Bar Mitzvah.

Your brother is completely full of himself to pressure you by saying this one trip represents your commitment to Judaism and to the future of your relationship with him!! Total load of b.s.!!

Has your brother been in therapy? I suspect not.

Don't go, OP.

That you have taken long, expensive vacations in the past is irrelevant. Did someone else determine where and when you'd take those expensive vacations? I certainly hope not!!

The issue is not whether or not you can afford to take your family to Israel. The issue is being forced to do so because of family pressure. Your nephew is not graduating from a University, which would set the date for graduation for all students. This date has been set by your brother's family. Attendance is optional. If your brother claims it's mandatory, suggest he seek therapy for his control issues. And send him a couple links to therapists in his area.

Best of luck to you, OP. This is not that difficult a question. If it's too hard for you, send a nice gift, and don't go.

Anonymous wrote:Awful on his part. We are hoping to have my son's bar mitzvah in Israel but it would just be immediate family, we would never expect anyone else to join. As an aside, for those who think this is the cheap way out and folks should throw a typical party, I respectfully disagree.

What does your son want?

Awful on his part. We are hoping to have my son's bar mitzvah in Israel but it would just be immediate family, we would never expect anyone else to join. As an aside, for those who think this is the cheap way out and folks should throw a typical party, I respectfully disagree.