Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The low self esteem is so pathetic. I was a geek, never f'd properly when I was in my 20's because I was a cold fish and now I will screw my spouse over so I can feel like I am not a cold fish geek. Okay... that is so pathetic... the self esteem issues make sense.

These women are highly neurotic and incapable of being happy. In their own minds, only, they perceived themselves as non sexual. This self image preceded their marriage. They rejected the notion of a happy sex life with their husbands not because the husband was deficient, but because they are. Later in life, they seek to create even more unhappiness by deciding to focus their repressed sexuality on someone outside the marriage-because they insist on neurotically placing the blame for their own frigidity on their spouse rather than on themselves.

This isn't about orgasms because you can get a vibrator for that if you really need to. These women are very self destructive and cheating on their spouse is a passive aggressive way of punishing their husband for being fool enough to fall in love and marry them.

No doubt this is true in many cases.

When people say "my spouse never found out", I wouldn't be so sure about that. The old saying is there's what you think, what you know, and what you can prove. The third might be impossible a lot of the time but with the second, the spouse knows but doesn't push a divorce because they feel the marriage is worth saving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think abusive spouses are a driving force in unplanned cheating. It is such a surprise and unexpected thing when suddenly there is someone who valued and appreciates you for who you are. It's hard to leave an abusive marriage given the very nature of the effect abuse has on the spouses sense of self. It's sheer strength, anyone who can break free from that cycle whether it takes a fling with an AP or not.

Sorry, abuse is no excuse. I've been in two abusive long term relationships, the second one cheated on me extensively. Never would I have nor did I cheat. I thought about it long and hard with the second one - sauce for the gander and all that - but in the end even though I clearly had low self-esteem to be in such a relationship, I had a core of honesty that simply wouldn't allow me to do such a thing.

careful now, you don't want to hurt yourself when you fall down off of that high horse of yours.

Anonymous wrote:I think abusive spouses are a driving force in unplanned cheating. It is such a surprise and unexpected thing when suddenly there is someone who valued and appreciates you for who you are. It's hard to leave an abusive marriage given the very nature of the effect abuse has on the spouses sense of self. It's sheer strength, anyone who can break free from that cycle whether it takes a fling with an AP or not.

Sorry, abuse is no excuse. I've been in two abusive long term relationships, the second one cheated on me extensively. Never would I have nor did I cheat. I thought about it long and hard with the second one - sauce for the gander and all that - but in the end even though I clearly had low self-esteem to be in such a relationship, I had a core of honesty that simply wouldn't allow me to do such a thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife that doesn't want to spend time with me. Yells a lot. Says shit like "you are a fucking moron.". Throws things at me. Hits the kids. Etc. years of this left me unhappy.

I never cheated ... I just said it wasn't worth it. Then I met a girl at work who was just different. One of those people who you instantly connect with. Funny, charismatic, pretty, and most of all intellectually equal. I was immediately attracted, but didn't pursue it.

Over time our work started to coincide more, we realized we were good together as a team at the office and we spent more and more time together. I still didn't see the danger.

I started flirting a bit, mostly cause it irritated her in a sort of humorous way, and I could tell she liked the attention. I still didn't see a problem.

Three months ago we end up going out for drinks with other coworkers - a few leave early and we end up deciding to have a nightcap at her hotel. Bars closed. She suggests room service will have wine, and I agree. Amazingly I still didn't think this would lead anywhere.

An hour later we are in bed making out. I stop her and I leave. As shitty as my life at home is, I'd not cheated in 19 years of marriage.

The next week we end up at a conference in Vegas together. This time I can't say no. I just wanted it: not for the sexual aspect but because I just wanted to feel wanted again. Special. Attractive. Valued. Important.

I know, I'm a piece of shit.

You aren't a POS, you are a saint for putting up with a horrible spouse and going that long without cheating. Go get yourself some more!

It's been emotionally draining. Spend a night with her, stay up till 5am talking, laughing, etc. Come home and get called a "fucking dipshit" because of how I set up the dining room table for dinner (the issue being I set up in the formal dining room, not in the casual eating area). It's exhausting always walking on eggshells.

I imagine it's probably exhausting for your kids to get beat by their mom to. I can't gloss over that to make you fee good about your AP.. You have a responsibility to protect your kids.

I know. It's not easy to walk out, and despite DWs issues - many of which stem from her depression (not known when we got married, or just not as pronounced) - it isn't so easy to fuck off. The introduction of an AP just complicates and clouds things further for me. Clarity on what's right isn't easy when it's your own life.

Regardless, I know you are right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife that doesn't want to spend time with me. Yells a lot. Says shit like "you are a fucking moron.". Throws things at me. Hits the kids. Etc. years of this left me unhappy.

I never cheated ... I just said it wasn't worth it. Then I met a girl at work who was just different. One of those people who you instantly connect with. Funny, charismatic, pretty, and most of all intellectually equal. I was immediately attracted, but didn't pursue it.

Over time our work started to coincide more, we realized we were good together as a team at the office and we spent more and more time together. I still didn't see the danger.

I started flirting a bit, mostly cause it irritated her in a sort of humorous way, and I could tell she liked the attention. I still didn't see a problem.

Three months ago we end up going out for drinks with other coworkers - a few leave early and we end up deciding to have a nightcap at her hotel. Bars closed. She suggests room service will have wine, and I agree. Amazingly I still didn't think this would lead anywhere.

An hour later we are in bed making out. I stop her and I leave. As shitty as my life at home is, I'd not cheated in 19 years of marriage.

The next week we end up at a conference in Vegas together. This time I can't say no. I just wanted it: not for the sexual aspect but because I just wanted to feel wanted again. Special. Attractive. Valued. Important.

I know, I'm a piece of shit.

You aren't a POS, you are a saint for putting up with a horrible spouse and going that long without cheating. Go get yourself some more!

It's been emotionally draining. Spend a night with her, stay up till 5am talking, laughing, etc. Come home and get called a "fucking dipshit" because of how I set up the dining room table for dinner (the issue being I set up in the formal dining room, not in the casual eating area). It's exhausting always walking on eggshells.

I imagine it's probably exhausting for your kids to get beat by their mom to. I can't gloss over that to make you fee good about your AP.. You have a responsibility to protect your kids.

Anonymous wrote:I think abusive spouses are a driving force in unplanned cheating. It is such a surprise and unexpected thing when suddenly there is someone who valued and appreciates you for who you are. It's hard to leave an abusive marriage given the very nature of the effect abuse has on the spouses sense of self. It's sheer strength, anyone who can break free from that cycle whether it takes a fling with an AP or not.

And remember kids, neglect is a form of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:Paid not to judge

Lol don't cheat with your therapist that's a real mess in the making

Paid not to judge

Who made up this phantom non existent rule that we're not allowed to judge others behavior?

You know it sounds like it must have started from assholes in therapy where the therapy didn't do much good. Of course a therapist is going to be non judgmental if that would interfere with the therapeutic process. Guess what, your therapist gets laid not to judge. No one pays me not to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don't judge. Against cheating? Don't cheat. It's really not that hard. Other people's business is off limits.

Sorry, no, this is the real world. Judgement happens daily, hourly. You don't have to care what I think of your behaviors, but I absolutely get to judge if I want to. And talk about it. And, when you get screwed or you lose your marriage or your AP breaks your heart, I get to say "Hey, you shoulda seen that coming. You reap what you sow."

Yup, I get to do all that, and you to me as well if you were so inclined. Fine if you're not; I'm still gonna judge.

How will God judge you?

Anonymous wrote:Just don't judge. Against cheating? Don't cheat. It's really not that hard. Other people's business is off limits.

Sorry, no, this is the real world. Judgement happens daily, hourly. You don't have to care what I think of your behaviors, but I absolutely get to judge if I want to. And talk about it. And, when you get screwed or you lose your marriage or your AP breaks your heart, I get to say "Hey, you shoulda seen that coming. You reap what you sow."

Yup, I get to do all that, and you to me as well if you were so inclined. Fine if you're not; I'm still gonna judge.

I did all 3 sides of cheating early in my adult life: was cheated on, was cheated with, and cheated on someone. When I got into a pretty serious relationship with someone I worked with who was already in a serious relationship (if they'd believed in marriage, they'd have been married for a good 6 yrs by the time we met), I realized after that was over that NONE of those situations was worth the toxicity they brought me and my life. NONE of them.

Fast forward to now that I've been married 15 yrs, and several times during my marriage I've crossed paths with exes or one guy who I lusted after for 9 years before meeting DH and we'd always had chemistry but never connected. I was in another city, met up with him among a larger group of good friends, and the chemistry was off the chain and he suggested I stay with him. Probably DH would have never found out, but I didn't hestitate for even a moment, I didn't consider it for even a moment. I immediately said "I wish this was much earlier on, when we were both single, but since I'm not (and neither are you, sexy dude I've lusted after for so long), then nothing can happen." And that was it. I knew it would have been a torrid, amazing night, and maybe grown into something regular... and I was absolutely not going to do it.

So I guess I learned my lesson, and maybe some people have to learn it like I did. Then, others never learn, and still others are never tempted in the first place.

This plays out so many ways... but I agree with all the other PPs saying no one can generalize that we're all the same distance away from potentially cheating. It simply isn't true in any given moment that we're all the same distance away (or close).

I think abusive spouses are a driving force in unplanned cheating. It is such a surprise and unexpected thing when suddenly there is someone who valued and appreciates you for who you are. It's hard to leave an abusive marriage given the very nature of the effect abuse has on the spouses sense of self. It's sheer strength, anyone who can break free from that cycle whether it takes a fling with an AP or not.

Special. Attractive. Valued. Important. You are all those things, pp.