I also don't think her mom is being such a jerk.

Unless mom can come and be the "wife" for an extended period, there is absolutely no other advice that makes sense. And with one child, a military salary should support the family, especially once childcare costs are eliminated.

OP says it's impossible for her to change jobs, add time to childcare, take sick leave, outsource more, go part time, move closer to family or other help ... Most military spouses who remain employed throughout their partner's career have military-friendly jobs like healthcare or retail, where there are openings where they go. Or, like me, they drastically scale back to part time.

The military just doesn't give you enough notice or time in one place to make the plans you need to make for major career progress if you also have to be on call to be sole parent at any point in time in a community where you don't have a lot of free support. This is why a lot of spouses are SAHM/Ds when the children are very young.

Military lofe only works if both spouses truly understand the sacrifices involved. At this stage in your child's life, being the at home spouse is relentless. It just is. My DH came back in January after the most physically exhausting 6 months of my life (my kids don't all sleep all night either).

But we prepared for it by hiring extra daytime help. I was bone tired, but not overwhelmed and I could still work.

That said, this is your future. If this will be your only child, then just hang in there another few years. If you're even thinking about more children, you need to rethink this job. There's no point to all of this if you become super depressed, your kid is stressed, and your marriage suffers.

Careers are another one of those sacrifices of military life no one tells you about. If staying employed, at this level, is your priority, then embrace that and the struggle that goes with it. Pay for more help, even if the cost is painful. Your DH also needs to see this as part of the team effort of maintaining your family and your marriage.

OP good luck. And pp are totally right, your mom is toxic. Avoid talking to her!

Anonymous wrote:Your title is poor. How would you be a SAHM if you can't even afford extra help?

Drastic lifestyle change.

Your title is poor. How would you be a SAHM if you can't even afford extra help?

Anonymous wrote:This is getting insane.

DC is in daycare full time. I'm not sure why everyone's accusing me of working from home and watching her. That would be impossible.

DH is deployed. He steps up at home, when he is home. That should also explain why we can't just move.

I work for a consulting company, hence the telework, degree required.

I want to be able to buy groceries during the week, and go to the doctor (I realize this is my micromanaging boss's fault) and have my hair cut and not spend every waking moment picking up. Maybe that last is a two year old thing, I don't know.

So the reason why you are having a difficult time is that your DH is deployed. When my DH was deployed, I had a 2yo and 4yo. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was so overwhelmed with drop off, pick up and never getting a break. I was very bitter than my BIL in Baltimore did not come down to help out with the kids like he had promised.

By month 2, I thought I was going to lose my mind. There were quite a few times that we were all crying/screaming and calling DH in Afghanistan. I don't know if other mothers are just better at it but I was stressed out all the time. I did all he drop off and most pick ups but at least when DH is around, he can be with kids while I go to the grocery store or target at night. I started outsourcing more. We started with only cleaning every other week. Then I called in my parents but they were also driving me nuts so their help cancelled out any help they gave me. I ended up getting our old nanny to come around 10-15 hrs per week. She came like one evening during the week, one weekend day all day. She couldn't substitute DH but at least she could watch the kids while I got a small break, ran errands, cook for us, do our laundry, etc.

I would recommend getting a mother's helper even for 5 hours per week.

Anonymous wrote:This is getting insane.

DC is in daycare full time. I'm not sure why everyone's accusing me of working from home and watching her. That would be impossible.

DH is deployed. He steps up at home, when he is home. That should also explain why we can't just move.

I work for a consulting company, hence the telework, degree required.

I want to be able to buy groceries during the week, and go to the doctor (I realize this is my micromanaging boss's fault) and have my hair cut and not spend every waking moment picking up. Maybe that last is a two year old thing, I don't know.

OP, is there a reason you don't want to get groceries delivered? Seems like that is an obvious solution to the errands stress (that a lot of people have suggested). Also, maybe I missed this, but do you not have sick leave you can use to go to the doctor? As for picking up, just don't stress about it during the week and leave it for the weekend. If dh is deployed, no one will know except you anyway

Your husband is deployed which sucks. Your mom is a shitty asshole which sucks. You sound overwhelmed and depressed from your life circumstances.

I wonder if your depression doesn't stem more from your childhood growing up with a mom who is a complete and utter bitch. Maybe you should see a therapist to work through some of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my mom calls to complain I am not working. (of course, she forgets to mention that she'll rarely help out so it makes it impossible for me to work).

No matter what you do or choose, it will never be good enough for her. Accept it and move on. If working makes you happy, continue. You being happy will make you a far better mom. My mom never could have stayed at home. We all would have been in the looney bin.

You could hire someone if you wanted to work. You don't want to, or you'd find a way to do it. It's convenient to blame it on your mom, though.

I was thinking the same thing. My mom comes a few times a year and it is great but I don't believe she is obligated to help out.

Deployments are really rough, op. Your problem isn't your employment, it's the deployment. My military spouse isn't deployed, but he's out of state for the next few months, and it's awful. Mine are a little older (6 and 3) and its a struggle.

One thing that helps is that I have a high school girl who watches them most Saturday mornings for me. That gives me a good chance to get errands done, alone . I think I'd go insane without her help.

It sounds like your own family isn't supportive. My sister helps out a little when I'm stuck, but she's just not a very practical person, so it only goes so far. Don't let your mother get you down, and look for a babysitter to help you on the weekends.

Hang in there, OP - it will get better. I get where you're coming from. I have been in your shoes a few times - 100% telework, DH deployed, and with a toddler. It is really, really hard, even with full-time childcare and working from home. Don't get down on yourself - you are doing everything you can and I'm sure you're doing a great job.

There are a few things that saved me when DH was gone for long periods of time. First, the cleaning service...don't get rid of it if you don't have to. It helped keep me sane. Second, get a sitter for 4 hours or so either Saturday or Sunday so you can have time to yourself and run errands. I did this during my DH's last deployment and it was a life-saver. Third, I agree with the suggestion to find a different daycare if you can (saw you're on waiting lists). The one my DC went to was open until 6, which meant I could run to the store, fit in a 30 min workout, etc after 5.

Also, if you haven't already, start making friends with local parents. They will be an important support system for you the next time your DH is away.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up. It will get better!

Anonymous wrote:
As for spending every waking moment picking up -- my advice is to lower your standards. True confession: I declared to the kids one summer that nobody was going to wear socks, because matching the socks after they got washed was just one damn thing too many.

Lol if it's above 55 in this house we wear sandles and I don't match socks in the winter... if it matters that much to the kids they can do it.

Anonymous wrote:This is getting insane.

DC is in daycare full time. I'm not sure why everyone's accusing me of working from home and watching her. That would be impossible.

DH is deployed. He steps up at home, when he is home. That should also explain why we can't just move.

I work for a consulting company, hence the telework, degree required.

I want to be able to buy groceries during the week, and go to the doctor (I realize this is my micromanaging boss's fault) and have my hair cut and not spend every waking moment picking up. Maybe that last is a two year old thing, I don't know.

OP, that's what I figured, from your description. I don't know why such a situation would be hard for people to imagine.

Could you go grocery shopping on the way back from daycare pick-up? Or is your daughter already too tired?

As for spending every waking moment picking up -- my advice is to lower your standards. True confession: I declared to the kids one summer that nobody was going to wear socks, because matching the socks after they got washed was just one damn thing too many.

This is getting insane.

DC is in daycare full time. I'm not sure why everyone's accusing me of working from home and watching her. That would be impossible.

DH is deployed. He steps up at home, when he is home. That should also explain why we can't just move.

I work for a consulting company, hence the telework, degree required.

I want to be able to buy groceries during the week, and go to the doctor (I realize this is my micromanaging boss's fault) and have my hair cut and not spend every waking moment picking up. Maybe that last is a two year old thing, I don't know.

Anonymous wrote:DCUMers now want to know what your job is, OP, that is so totally non flexible (according to you), no sick days (or do you not choose to use them?), you can tele commute, you need a degree for, and no other jobs are availble from whereverwr youre posting from except at Starbucks (your words).

if your dh is out of town all the time, why don't you move to a place with more jobs opportunities for you. He's away so what diffetence does it make to him where the house is.

This. I am someone who has read this entire thread (and posted earlier about depression), and I'm utterly confused. This sounds like a VERY strange situation, and it is hard for anyone here to help you because a) you seem defensive (or possibly depressed and not realizing it- there is nothing wrong with that) and unwil ling to accept most suggestions and b) you have provided very little information about what it is you or your DH does that results in this situation. Is your DH unavailable because of his job? Or is he sick and in treatment for something? The answer matters, because if it is his job, move somewhere else as PP suggested. What is your degree? How is it this is the ONLY company you can work for by telework? The whole thread started asking if you should SAH, yet that doesn't even seem financially possible for you. I REALLY think you should take a sick day and seek some professional help. This will not be healthy for your kid in the long term if they sense you are so unhappy and overwhelmed, and I really mean this as someone trying to help.