Anonymous
Post 02/11/2016 09:09     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
update?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 14:31     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
OP, I think you are getting something out of this "stalking." Maybe it was more than flirting, maybe not, but the fact that you have not told your DH, and that you're still reading messages from this guy, tells me you're still, at some level, involved, and that you like the attention from this man. It flatters you, and you do not recognize it for what it is.

You've gotten all the advice you need. You chose what to do now. Best of luck to you.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 12:56     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
Anonymous wrote:OP, why in holy hell are you still "mapping my run"? Seriously, you've had about 50 people tell you this guy sounds unstable and you continue to provide a step by step mechanism to track your whereabouts? Cut off the social medi nonsense, tell your husband, and if I were you, I'd also reach out to your local police and get their advice. At least that ensures there is some official record of his harassment.



OP here---I'm not. He sent it from mapmyrun to my email address, the same one he emailed me at a few weeks ago (a gmail address.) For what it's worth, I registered with mapmyrun several years ago when I was using a different email address through my internet service provider--so any emails that come from mapmyrun regarding my account go to that ISP email address (which I still have access to, but I'm trying to switch over other, current contacts to the gmail address.)
The thing he sent me through mapmyrun, he would have had to specficially put in my gmail address as an "invitation" to join him.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 11:28     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
^^forgot to say, another reason to keep your current "he's harmless" narrative, is that to admit to your DH this situation is to admit that you liked the attention, and flirted a little. It's embarrassing to admit that you liked the attention and may have egged it on. At first, it feels like flattery. And all throughout, there is a surface flattery-aspect; the problem is the undercurrent of crazy-possessive-won't-let-go that accompanies it.

Stalkers are betting that your ego will keep you quiet about this. That you liked the flattery, that you may have had a part in encouraging it, and that you were secretive about it to your DH. The stalker drives the wedge between you and your DH, isolating you.

You gain power by facing your fears and telling your DH, and (yes, after maybe an argument or ten) moving together as a unit against the stalker.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 11:19     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
OP, I'm the PP who did the law school paper on stalking. At one point I met with Gavin de Becker. (who is a fascinating, self-made success in Los Angeles, specializing with celebrity stalking way before branching out to domestic stalkers and writing his books).

OP, as I've also mentioned, I've had a situation like this. The real thing for you to get over is the idea that you've got it under control, that it's harmless, that it won't escalate. You have great incentive to keep your current narrative because it means you don't have to tell your DH, or call police, or get serious about it, or be afraid.

You must divest yourself of this calming view, and instead of taking the best case scenario, you must take the worst case scenario. And tell your DH, or you will end up getting blackmailed because you haven't.

And 100 or 1,000 miles is not a reason for him to not come around.

One thing to think about--I have not thought about this before so not sure how to implement--is your potential resource: his local police department. Maybe other DCUM people will have advice as to if and how to make that helpful.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:50     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
OP, why in holy hell are you still "mapping my run"? Seriously, you've had about 50 people tell you this guy sounds unstable and you continue to provide a step by step mechanism to track your whereabouts? Cut off the social medi nonsense, tell your husband, and if I were you, I'd also reach out to your local police and get their advice. At least that ensures there is some official record of his harassment.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 09:43     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
You are digging yourself a deeper hole for everyday you keep this from your husband. It will blow up in your face eventually. The guy already knows pretty much everything about you, your kids and your husband. He probably even knows what your bedroom looks like if your home photos are still out there on real estate websites!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 08:56     Subject: Re:Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband. I don't understand why you haven't told him yet. It's been 5 months, and this guy is still trying to contact you. Tell your husband and work out together what you will do.


She probably fucked the guy
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2016 04:19     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.


I thought you said 100 miles. Not that it changes my response in any way.


No, 1000 miles. I did a mapquest search and my zipcode to his zipcode is 980 miles.

People have asked about the extent of the flirting. Mostly things like he would tell me I'm hot and that he wished we could be together, etc. I would encourage the discussion more by saying things like "Really? What would happen if we were together?" and encourage him to continue on...not to the point of "sexting" or anything even close to that--he seemed to almost write in romance novel style with "passionate kisses" and "look deep into your eyes so I can see your soul" and the like. That's not really my "thing" and I find it creepy. I'm honestly not sure why I encouraged it for a few weeks.
A more honest, less "flirty" response would have been to shut it down immediately with "Thanks, but I'm married" and change the subject.


Another vote to tell your DH. The problem is he'll likely want to see the texts between you two and the ones you listed above will be very upsetting to him so much so that he may be dismissive at first but I think he'll eventually come around, especially if he realizes it's a safety issue.

Good luck, OP. This guy sounds unstable.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2016 21:20     Subject: Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?
Please do not engage him again. It essentially is telling him "you just need to (insert stalker behavior) and then I will respond" it encourages the behaviors and lets him know "hey if I just keep at it I will get a response." Not only does he not go away, he will amp up and persist in the behaviors to ensure a response.