Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

OP here- I think that's a really dangerous and backwards attitude to have. It trivializes the economic value of what stay-at-home parents do on a daily basis. He's not "supporting" me. What I do daily sims has unrecognized economic value.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

LOL. So you only have a voice if you have a job?

Who are you backwards people?!

The house stuff including dinner IS her job. Her husband is bringing home the money to support her. That's his job. Not the way I would run my family, but if they're running theirs that way then she needs to do her part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

LOL. So you only have a voice if you have a job?

Who are you backwards people?!

When I was a SAHM I cooked dinner every day because there was nothing else to do. DH was gone 12 hours a day, and even after going to the gym, cleaning, strolling around the city with the baby at musems, everything, I still had a ton of downtime. In fact I probably spent 2 hours a day on food prep because WTF else was I going to do.

I'm still having a hard time believing that OP thinks Diet Coke and a baked potato is a dinner. Sad.

This definitely seems to be more of a dysfunctional family dynamic issue than a dinner prep issue. As PP mentioned, on the surface it doesn't seem like you guys function as a cohesive family but more of a you and your DC + plus your DH who seems more like a roommate.

I agree with you that cooking/planning/shopping is a tedious chore. That said, it's necessary, so we've found ways to work it into our schedule so that it's not so challenging.

Sunday afternoon during nap time, we go through the pantry/fridge and throw out any old leftovers/expired things. Then we come up with 3 meals for the week, and make a list of ingredients needed. I also put anything for lunches, household things, etc on there.

When DS wakes up from his nap, we alternate weeks of who takes him to the grocery store and knocks out the list. The other one does some other errand at home (or enjoys an hour of quiet!) The next weekend we switch who goes. DS loves the grocery store, and it's nice to have routine.

During the week, it's so much easier to prep stuff if there is a plan and you don't have to think. I don't usually start dinner prep until DH comes home, because one of us needs to watch DS, but then we'll "barter" for the job. "If I cook, will you watch DS and do dishes?" "If I do dishes and bath time, will you cook?"

Sounds like there's just a huge mismatch of expectations here. TALK. Figure out a solution that works for both of you. There is a huge range between "1950s housewife" and "fend for yourself".

... and your DH is calling you out on it.

Enjoy your divorce!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

See, that's interesting to me pp. I think my job is to care for our child and his needs during the week, and running the household is our shared responsibility, as is taking care of our child on the weekends. To the other pp, I'm not a shitty mom, I'm actually an amazing mom! I agree it's not "hard"- my office job wasn't "hard" either...I was good at it and enjoyed it. I'm good at taking care of our son and enjoy that too! It's not "hard" work, but it is time consuming work that requires a lot of my energy and attention. (I have to be honest, I spent the day yesterday with a mom of two kids under three and that seems like HARD work!)

Good grief! Spoiling your child rotten sounds like what you are doing. Our nanny did the laundry and cooked for the kids also. What do you do with your 12 month old all day? Stare into his eyes and ask him what he wants?

I don't spoil him at all! We have a pretty solid routine down, and our days are filled with enriching and engaging activities. Your nanny didn't plan and cook your dinner, so I don't really get the point of your post except to be nasty!

You have a pretty good routine of spending waaaay too much time on that baby and cleaning the house.

Anonymous wrote:I predict a really unhappy relationship with your DH based on what you've posted here and I wouldn't be surprised to see y'all divorcing in a couple of years. You just don't seem to have any desire to nurture your relationship with him, from your posts you see him as nothing more than a means for you to have a baby and quit your job. How will you feel if in a couple of years he's moved on to greener pastures and you have to (gasp) work and get dinner for yourself and take care of DC?

I agree. He's supporting you. Make some freaking food. If you want an equal division of household work, get a job and then you have an argument.

Are you not even doing the grocery shopping, OP? Or when you go, do you only big food for yourself and your child, not your husband?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What's your damage, Heather?" Yes, most stay at home moms cook dinner for the family. I don't say this to be rude, but if you ate healthier than a diet Coke and baked potato you might have more energy.

Why not eat your cheese and crackers for lunch but then make a balanced, nutritious meal for yourself and your husband so you can reconnect after being apart all day? It's really shitty that after being "on" at work all day he turned around and had to go to the grocery store.

This. If I were your husband, I'd flip out. If you don't like sahm, go back to work & get a nanny who does meal prep.

This. I am a husband, with a SAHW/M, and it pisses me off when there is no dinner when I get home. It takes what, 30 minutes to prepare a basic dinner? I've made dinner of the kids and me plenty of times when my wife is travelling and it isn't that big a deal to throw something together. I bet you spend more time than that each day on DCUM. Carry your weight. I would have much more sympathy if you had three school-aged kids and you spent your afternoon driving around MoCo taking kids to different school events, or something similar, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I get the sense you are using dinner as a proxy to fight other battles and address other issues in your relationship.

Thanks for the perspective-(btw it is the middle of the night where I am so DS is asleep hence why I'm replying to a lot of posts). Anyway my question to you would be-if it is so easy to prepare dinner, why don't you do it? I'm not trying to be rude- just seems like people are posting that it is no big thing to make dinner, but I actually think it is a lot of work to meal plan, shop, cook, and clean. So that, in addition to all the stuff that has to happen to raise kids, seems to me like it should be on both parents, not just the SAH parent. So if it is really easy to do, how come you are so upset and why don't you just do it?

Because I get home from work around 7:30pm - 8pm. The kids should eat around 8:30pm then? That's bedtime.

Wow - that's late. Do you even see your kids during the week?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What's your damage, Heather?" Yes, most stay at home moms cook dinner for the family. I don't say this to be rude, but if you ate healthier than a diet Coke and baked potato you might have more energy.

Why not eat your cheese and crackers for lunch but then make a balanced, nutritious meal for yourself and your husband so you can reconnect after being apart all day? It's really shitty that after being "on" at work all day he turned around and had to go to the grocery store.

This. If I were your husband, I'd flip out. If you don't like sahm, go back to work & get a nanny who does meal prep.

This. I am a husband, with a SAHW/M, and it pisses me off when there is no dinner when I get home. It takes what, 30 minutes to prepare a basic dinner? I've made dinner of the kids and me plenty of times when my wife is travelling and it isn't that big a deal to throw something together. I bet you spend more time than that each day on DCUM. Carry your weight. I would have much more sympathy if you had three school-aged kids and you spent your afternoon driving around MoCo taking kids to different school events, or something similar, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I get the sense you are using dinner as a proxy to fight other battles and address other issues in your relationship.

Thanks for the perspective-(btw it is the middle of the night where I am so DS is asleep hence why I'm replying to a lot of posts). Anyway my question to you would be-if it is so easy to prepare dinner, why don't you do it? I'm not trying to be rude- just seems like people are posting that it is no big thing to make dinner, but I actually think it is a lot of work to meal plan, shop, cook, and clean. So that, in addition to all the stuff that has to happen to raise kids, seems to me like it should be on both parents, not just the SAH parent. So if it is really easy to do, how come you are so upset and why don't you just do it?

Because I get home from work around 7:30pm - 8pm. The kids should eat around 8:30pm then? That's bedtime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

Doesn't dad do lawn work, bathe kids, put kids to bed half the time? Cook dinner on weekends, breakfast on weekends?

All that you posted about a well oiled household seems normal.

Nope-town house so no lawn to speak of, I do baby bath right after dinner (food in hair and all that), rarely puts DS to bed bc he is just getting home when DS goes to sleep - he never offers to do so, and I don't want to thrust baby in his arms when he walks in door. We alternate caring for DS on weekend mornings, so we do breakfast on our own, and weekend meals we usually go out or take out.

If I were you, I would shift your whole schedule by an hour. Dinner with everyone just as DH is getting home, then send dad up to do bath and story while you listen to music and tidy up.