Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Hey, don't bring politics into this. The family I know that think they should get their parents' money all vote Republican. On the other hand, I'm as liberal as they come and usually democrat and I think OP, and others on this thread, have some nerve feeling so entitled to their parents' money.

Another liberal here who doesn't expect to get a dime of her parents' money. If I do, great. But it's not mine to dispense, I don't need it to pay bills or sustain my lifestyle, and I will be perfectly content it if goes to others who do need it.

OP, it is totally unfair. My H's parents do this as well and it sucks. But life is unfair and I would rather be in your (and my) position than in the position of your sister or my H's brothers. The only time we have ever come close to saying anything about it is to express that we hope H's brothers use the money to get their feet on solid ground because H and I will not be helping them financially if the time ever comes.

Haven't read all the responses but there are 4 of us kids in the family. My parents have all supported us to the best of their ability according to our needs. For my middle brother and I, that has meant college (in-state for me, athletic scholarship at a private for him) and for my older brother and younger sister, that has meant multiple college situations and continuing to help them get on their feet through their early adulthood. Me and middle bro recognize that we will likely be the ones supporting our parents financially in their retirement, as we are the more able ones. It literally never occurred to me to question this dynamic until I read this post. Let it go OP. Your sister needs them and they are able to help. Good luck figuring out your own (substantial) finances.

My parents do not provide the same financial help to all of their children. Yes, it is sometimes frustrating to feel like being responsible has meant less material help. I reframe it as my parents trust that I am capable of taking care of myself, which can not be said about all of my siblings. It helps that I have an adult relationship with my parents, whereas my neediest sibling definitely still has a more parent-child relationship.

Perhaps you can do a similar reframing so you're not stuck on your parents spending more on your sibling than they do on you.

OP, no I would not be upset if my life were as great as yours and a sibling had gone through hard times.

In fact, I live a pretty life especially in contrast to my brothers. My parents don't have much but a house and small amount of savings. But when they are gone I don't expect or want to inheret anything except a few momentos - my brothers need it more than I do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

Some two lawyer couples graduate with more than 400,000 in student loan debt. It's very difficult to get out from under that.

Then they chose unwisely as well. Picked big name schools at full freight rather than a less prestigious school that offered merit aid. Selected a less lucrative specialty in law. Opted for a market like DC saturated with JDs.

Is this in the DC area? Because honestly at your sister's HHI it's probably hard to come up with a DP and it seems like they're looking at moderately priced (for this area) houses. If we are talking the Midwest or something then yeah they should find something cheaper. Presumably you're trying to buy a Mc Mansion. Or maybe you aren't, but I would be embarassed to have a HHI of 400K and even consider taking money from someone. You don't have the get exactly the same thing for your parents to love you both. It sounds like you got the good end by not ending up mentally ill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom gave my brother and I the same amounts for a down payment even though I make way more (300k vs 50k). She does help him with groceries. Since she pays for his cell phone, she pays for mine too even though I keep telling her to save her money. I wouldn't have minded if my mom had given my brother more money for a down payment. I don't really need help.

She pays for your cell phone and you make 300k lol? That's hilarious.

Parents can we weird sometimes. I don't make 300k, I make like 70k and my parents pay for my cell phone. They have since I got it in 1998. I keep trying to take over since I can pay the $100 bucks a month but it causes fights. It makes them feel good to do that little thing for me still so I let them.

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahha. OP, your HHI is 400k. What in the world do you have to whine about here? It sounds like your sister had a rough start to life and has struggled to get to where she's at. You should be grateful that you're wealthy and will probably never struggle to pay for a home, unlike the vast majority of people in the world. I hope you're embarrassed.

Some two lawyer couples graduate with more than 400,000 in student loan debt. It's very difficult to get out from under that.

OP if you think you are being frugal you need to sit down with a good financial adviser and get a reality check.

My spouse and I managed to put away $150k in a couple of years on half your income (with one kid).

How about instead of wanting what your sister has, you measure your own success by your capacity to live an independent adult life without help from your parents. There is no way on god's green earth I would accept a down payment from my parents (and we have a $190k HHI) unless we had a financial setback and the only way my child could be in a decent school is if we accepted a loan.

Your sister is not so fortunate to be in my position or yours. It sounds like she actually got her shit together after an inauspicious start but that she's nowhere near our position financially. Homeownership is a smart decision financially (if you buy what you can afford) so what your mother is doing could very well be the infusion your sister needs to get on solid ground and building wealth for the future.

You. Do. Not. Need. That.

If you came on here complaining that they were infantilizing or enabling her that'd be another story.

As for the people injecting politics into it-- that's ridiculous. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool liberal married to another, who left BigLaw to do liberal politics, and I have not accepted a dime since college.

My extremely religious, Republican parents have been supporting my right-wing, homophobic, extremely Republican brother for his entire adult life so he can quit jobs and blame affirmative action for the fact that he didn't get into UVA 30 years ago or get a promotion in whatever job he quit. All while taking most of his income from them.

There are independent and hard-working people and entitled babies in every part of the political spectrum.

Completely unfair. Mom should be giving equally to both of you.

How are you so broke but are careful with your money? On that salary, you easily could have lived comfortably and banked half. If $50,000 is a big deal on that salary, there is more to the story than you are sharing.

My parents do far more for my sister. They are angry I am a SAHM. They paid far more for her education, get her gifts, take her on trips (she is not married but long term dating), etc. I gave up caring a long time ago. They rarely even get my child anything.

My parents always did their absolute best to be very even with all things growing up between my brother and me. I have to say, I appreciated that. I never felt a sense of sibling rivalry with my brother and he never felt it with me.

That said, one hiccup emerged more recently.

My parents paid for my college and some of my grad school, but they made my brother take out student loans for his 2nd try at college (he flunked out the first time on their dime).

He ended up taking out minimal student loans because he went to a state school, and to date on net my parents have spent a lot more on me.

My brother and both have pretty good jobs now, although I make a bit more.

My brother is pissed about the fact that he has some small student loans when I do not. I think my parents will at some point pay them off, to be honest, but they want to make sure he understands he has to be responsible first.

So, in our family, the less responsible person got less help! And it did turn him around, I have to say. He was really messing up for a while.

Food for thought.

Anonymous wrote:You have described the situation in DH's family. DH and one of his siblings went to college and married, worked hard and have done well. Another sibling (Sib A) has more community college/associate degrees/certifications than I can count (all paid for by parents), yet still barely makes more than minimum wage, is on her 3rd marriage at age 42- all deadbeats (there was also a live-in boyfriend between those), had one close call with the police regarding illegally written checks (she should have been prosecuted). The other sibling (Sib B) chose to pursue and acting career and had very limited success. He's now a drama teacher and with his wife, makes a middle class living.

About 15 years ago, in laws made the comment that they've spent more "trying to help" on Sib A than to the other 3 combined, including college expenses for the other 3. They have basically supported her her whole life. They also do a lot for Sib B, including paying for extracurriculars and camps for the kids. They have done nothing for us. A few years ago, DH lost his job. We spent a year living on 1/3 of our income and they didn't once did they offer to help out. We resent the hell out of them and the entire situation. DH and his other sibling who has done well on his own almost never see or speak to their in laws.

Did you ASK them for money? My 1/2 sister used to pester my dad for money all.of.the.time. He never called me to offer me money - even when both me and my DH were unemployed (at separate times). However, I am not resentful because I never ASKED him for anything.

Anonymous wrote:My mom gave my brother and I the same amounts for a down payment even though I make way more (300k vs 50k). She does help him with groceries. Since she pays for his cell phone, she pays for mine too even though I keep telling her to save her money. I wouldn't have minded if my mom had given my brother more money for a down payment. I don't really need help.

She pays for your cell phone and you make 300k lol? That's hilarious.