Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it. Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it. And if this friend knows about it - other people do to. The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:who would NOT tell their own friend

It's not a friend its an OW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

You are putting yourself in the middle of a marriage. Even though originally it was unknowingly, not it is intentionally. You now need to step away and accept the consequences even if that means a bunch of women are talking behind your back. She is a random stranger, the only reason she is not a stranger (in your mind) is because you slept with her husband and he told you a bunch of lies about her.

You are too close to this situation to make rational decisions. You need to step away from this for at least 6 months.

If you said, I want to send a note to the wife that say, i had no idea Joe was married period, nothing else, that is one thing... but you are determined to make sure the wife knows her husband is a terrible human being. That is not your job or your place.

No ... it does not make her feel better that you are hurt too. She does not know you, she does not care about you. Mostly she only cares about her kids.

All APs lie. All men lie to the OW, the wife already knows you were used and tossed like a piece of trash, she knows her H is capable of that. Welcome to affairs.

You were used. That sucks. Deal with it within your own support group. Get out of this triad.

So in your view, the wife already knows that her marriage is crap and that her husband is capable of this sort of thing. But she prefers to keep up appearances for the children's sake. O.k. I can see that might be the case for some women. Not all marriages are good marriages.

Maybe. Or she realizes her husband is crap and is getting her ducks in a row before she takes him to the cleaners. Or she realizes her husband has issues and she will stick it out to see if he can get counseling and resolve his issues. or she was abused as a child and this type of treatment is normal to her and she needs counseling.

You don't know her. I don't know her. This is something she needs to deal with herself. The OW needs to deal with her betrayal herself. It's as simple as that.

I am old. I know about multiple friends that have been cheated on or cheated on their spouse. I have been friends with the cheater, the cheated on and the OW. I love them all .. no matter how damaged they have been at different stages of their life.

I don't think the OW sucks, she was a victim (in this case), but she does need to go away and take care of herself.
I don't think the cheater is the most horrible person in the world but he needs to get some help and change his ways, or he needs to exit stage left and let his wife heal (and leave the OW alone).
I don't think the wife is a just staying for the children and saving face, I suspect she is just trying to get by one day at a time and seeing if she can salvage something. (Generally, wives are told not to make any major decisions the 1st 8 weeks.)

Anonymous wrote:who would NOT tell their own friend

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

Anonymous wrote:You're not getting it. Some people do not want the truth. It's not your place to decide that for them. If they want it, they can seek it out for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:I read the whole post and one thing I don't understand is why OP (the OW) cares whether strangers think she is a stalker or not. This guy lied to her and to his wife and presumably will continue to lie to make himself look better.

OP shouldn't care what strangers think of her. However, if OP knows these women and is upset they think she is a crazy stalker -- then OP should have also known that this guy was married. Something doesn't add up here.

OP, you can tell the wife or not. She may or may not believe you -- that is her choice. If you do tell her, simply present the information to her. She can choose to corroborate it or not. She can choose to stay or leave. But don't do it with malice. You are angry at this man who lied to you, not his wife.

You should also look at yourself and ask if there were signs that he was married that you had ignored. If you look within yourself, you will see that perhaps you didn't want to really know the truth about him either.

It's a difficult situation. I was the wife who was cheated on (by a man who had a separate condo and girlfriend without my knowledge). I really didn't know. Eventually he came clean and told me. Looking back on it -- there were some signs. I was glad to know the truth. I left and am happier now. However, I don't know whether I would have wanted someone else to tell me any earlier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Create an anonymous email or facebook account and tell the wife. Give her enough clues to figure it out herself (your husband was here on this night with another woman) and then move on.

+1 this.