opinionated poster, here.

Goal: get over the initial hurdle of getting back into regular sex - my only fear is that it's more complicated than this, but maybe it's not.

Goal: a minimum amount of sex so that HL spouse doesn't cheat and this frequency somewhat equals the maximum amount of sex LL spouse can tolerate/enjoy (without feeling resentful, used, overtouched, etc).

okay: masturbation in private is fine

would be good if HL spouse could connect romantically, intimately with LLS to make him/her feel loved, feel connected (with no expectation of sex)

would be good if HLS could accept "pity" sex (taken for the team to show love, desire to meet HLS in the middle). I feel like this is key, especially in OP's case where the sex is offered and it doesn't feel like it's resentfully (just not stemming from organic desire/passion). I feel like this is the crux. This, the acceptance of this type of sex is key and is within the OP's control. Maybe he could see a therapist. It's not ideal, it's not sexy, it's depressing, etc. But, with a different frame of mind, it's loving in its own fucked up way.

would be good if LLS could fake a little, itsy bitsy amount of enthusiasm (or neutrality) to get over the initial hurdle. But, OP doesn't have control over this. Even after reading all the posts from LL spouses, I still can't figure out why this isn't doable. At least a smile as an expression of love, happiness that the HL spouse is feeling a connection and isn't cheating. Or even a bit of humor or a high five that they are on the same page-ish.

I just wish couples could sit with each other with a bottle of wine, try to add some humor, talk about how awesome the kids/family is, reminisce about good times, take some deep breaths, make some good eye contact, and reconnect while they talk about problem solving the initial hurdle. There's so much pessimism.

I don't feel like the "mature non-gaming people" poster was trying to be a douche bag. And the other poster suggesting that it's "figuring out what your partner needs" is important. These aren't mutually exclusive.

one last idea: If money is a constraint, do this for one month. If money isn't a constraint. Do this every Friday, or Saturday night. One vacation night a week. Hire a babysitter to spend the night/day at home. Dinner out, massages or whatever non-sexual stuff at night, mom/LLS sleeps in, breakfast in bed or smoothie from room service, then sex. Maybe start with a whole weekend out of town with no sex, just reconnecting? Cheaper than divorce/marriage counseling.

I'm tempted to say hugs not drugs or take a chill pill folks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with immediate PP. This is why HL people have contempt for the naivete and wishful thinking of LL spouses.

Which will so very much help them get more and better sex from those LL spouses ...

Oh shush it with your childish sarcasm - the point PPs are making, and I know you understand it, is that all this massage and wine-n-dine BS feels like a "pay to play" set up. That's Gaming 101. After years of begging and pleading for more attention, the last thing I would think they'd want to do is go massage the sex out of a LL spouse!

I know you people what to be bitter and hateful. But if you read the PP's suggestion, it is just to get over the initial hurdle of getting back into regular sex. She's not looking for massages for nothing all the time.

I know in our case, my husband has been paid back and more for the efforts he put in. Once we got back into regular sex, I initiate as much as he does and he gets plenty of things just for him. We have an awesome sex life because he is not so tit for tat like you guys.

I am starting to see why your spouses don't want to have sex with you.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with immediate PP. This is why HL people have contempt for the naivete and wishful thinking of LL spouses.

Which will so very much help them get more and better sex from those LL spouses ...

I agree with immediate PP. This is why HL people have contempt for the naivete and wishful thinking of LL spouses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is soooo stupid!
You only want sex if your H can pretend he doesn't want sex?
Because if he DOES want sex, then you WON'T want sex?

Why not just let him go out and get laid with a normal woman who prefers having sex with a guy who also wants sex?

This is kind of a good point. If your husband didn't want to have sex with you, you would be hurt. If he does, you are turned off. The answer is him pretending not to want sex well enough that you can suspend your belief that he wants sex enough for you to actually want sex?

Excellent, well-stated point!

Also, it kills me to hear all of these LL spouses wanting to be oiled up and massaged to nirvana, with no strings attached! Seems like the HL spouse is being manipulated - intimacy in a relationship should be expected; not bargained for.

Anonymous wrote:DW here with low libido DH. OP, you want what you can't have, which is your wife wanting to have sex with you because she wants it. I am sorry to say but that is not your responsibility. This is what it is. You can't change her, you can't make her want you. You could do infinite amounts of laundry; you could hold her hand every day...but in the end, it is her and her libido on one side and you and your libido on the other. If you are staying in the marriage and don't want to cheat, then your only real option is to take her up on uninspired sex when you are horny and she is offering, and accept that she is trying to meet you halfway.

Believe me, I have been around the block with this BS. And this is essentially what it comes down to over the long haul.

Cold, but facts.

I echo the advice to find a woman who really craves sex. I'm 50, have been high drive all my life except for the first few weeks postpartum. Life is too short be exclusively partnered with someone who needs to relax to want sex. Life is busy and harried; sex is a natural stress reliever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is excellent advice.

Another low libido partner here and I want to +100 the above as well. For me, part of the problem is a lack of overall physical intimacy and affection, so anytime my partner touches me it's because he wants to have sex. There's no more playful kissing or hugging or making out, etc. I'm supposed to just be "on" like he is. The foreplay before actual sex is fine but for me, that foreplay needs to be scattered throughout our lives in a way, if that makes sense.

Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.

OP here - what is the best way to communicate that I am ok with physical intimacy and affection that doesn't lead to sex? I really am ok with it. I am not sure she would believe me. And if I give her a massage or a foot rub and she offers me something in return, I should decline?

I swear I am not this clueless in the seduction department. This stuff came much easier to me when I was single and dating, but then again, so did the ripping each other's clothes off post-date which is sadly gone from my life likely forever.

I am your twin brother. I'm convinced. Mom never told us.

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting plenty of sex. See my wife doesn't make me play games like pretending I don't want sex in order that she wants sex. Because we've talked about our sexlife and we both have a pretty clear understanding of how much sex I'd like (I'm "normal desire" ND) versus how often she can really be up for it (she's low desire LD). And since we are mature non-gaming people, we've struck a compromise and each knows our target frequency goal. And since we respect each other's good faith effort to sustain this mutually agreeable sex life together, she is highly available (or even initiates) sex when our moment arrives, and I don't pressure her in between those times, even though I actually DO want sex pretty much 24x7. You should try communicating and being good faith partners instead of game playing.

It's not game playing. It's figuring out what your partner needs. My husband and I have an awesome sexual relationship so buzz off. You have no experience or tips for OP. You just came here to be an ass.

Some women get turned on by their guy being excited to have sex with them. They think the guy's passion is sexy. You should find one of those women.

I'm getting plenty of sex. See my wife doesn't make me play games like pretending I don't want sex in order that she wants sex. Because we've talked about our sexlife and we both have a pretty clear understanding of how much sex I'd like (I'm "normal desire" ND) versus how often she can really be up for it (she's low desire LD). And since we are mature non-gaming people, we've struck a compromise and each knows our target frequency goal. And since we respect each other's good faith effort to sustain this mutually agreeable sex life together, she is highly available (or even initiates) sex when our moment arrives, and I don't pressure her in between those times, even though I actually DO want sex pretty much 24x7. You should try communicating and being good faith partners instead of game playing.

Anonymous wrote:If you want to have sex, you have to convince her that you don't want to have sex so you can have sex.

Sounds legit.

It's about taking the pressure off so she can relax, which then let's her get in the mood. You can say it's stupid all you want but my husband is getting sex twice a week. As I said, you just have to get over the initial hurdle. The more sex you have the more she will actually want it.

Or you can go on complaining and not getting sex.

If you want to have sex, you have to convince her that you don't want to have sex so you can have sex.

Sounds legit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is soooo stupid!
You only want sex if your H can pretend he doesn't want sex?
Because if he DOES want sex, then you WON'T want sex?

Why not just let him go out and get laid with a normal woman who prefers having sex with a guy who also wants sex?

I am not a woman, but I think what she is saying is that (some, many) women need to feel loved and appreciated for who they are to be willing to have sex. Which is normal.

Although, from the male perspective, its both hard to understand and really depressing that the best you are ever going to do in the married sex department is to have your wife willing to have sex with you. Especially when you can fondly remember the days when your wife was actually really wanting to have sex.

Sigh.